Mary folded herself fetal,
seeking rest between flannel
relieved to be alone with her thoughts
She and he mirrored each other,
chasm between their backs
Too many thoughts
Her mind spun like a dervish
God I am miserable
This isn’t what it’s supposed to be
We don’t even know what it’s supposed to be
What should love look like?
What should it feel like?
She remembered the fever of their early years,
frantic kissing,
ravenous embraces
fire ready to blaze at his look, touch, whisper
She loved Josh then
Or did she?
They hadn’t yet faced the broken-down car
the ridiculously-expensive vacuum cleaner salesman
the lay-off
the devastating family news
the endless debts
the midnight confessions ripping, burning, scarring each other’s hearts
It was easy to love and make love when life baggage was light
She shifted, rolled, stretched, curled
Her body craved sleep, but her mind rebelled
I was tired.
God, I’m not sleepy now. At all.
What time is it?
Dammit. 12:30 and I have to get up in 5 hours.
Oh God. I shouldn’t have cursed.
I’m an idiot.
What am I thinking, swearing in a prayer?
I guess it’s praying when I’m talking to you, right?
You should strike me down with lightning right now.
I’m such a wretch.
Maybe a glass of wine would settle me down.
I can sip wine and talk to you, right?
Oh right.
You made wine.
She slid her feet into slippers and arms into bathrobe sleeves
twisted the knob without a sound
cold light spilled from food to floor
jars of pickles and garlic shifted to free the Merlot
cupboard squeaked and glasses chinked
she leaned into the counter’s arms, sipping and praying
We are companions, he and I
roommates
siblings
Not lovers
We have fun when we’re not struggling for control
digging for respect
fixing each other
We’re ok
Is this all there is?
We don’t hate each other
Maybe it’s ok for fires to grow cold
But
I don’t think so
I don’t think I love him right
God, what is this marriage thing you made?
What is sex?
How are Josh and I supposed to be?
I don’t even know how far off we are
I do know we’re not there
We shouldn’t be ambivalent
I shouldn’t think I could be happy living the rest of my life celibate
Wine glass empty on the counter
she sank to the floor
fetal position again
pressed tears and despair into her sleeve
If marriage is supposed to be more than this,
please change me
Change us
Help me love him right
Make it happen
I can’t do it myself
Sobs stilled
mind and soul quieted
body chilled
Mary slipped back into their room
burrowed under the flannel
and curled herself around Josh
baby steps
***
{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }
this is beautiful, Joy
Oh. So much pain & beauty here.
Love, love, love this.
Oh, I know this. I’ve been there. And you nailed it. Beautiful!
Beautiful. Everyone who is married for any extended period of time experiences this. I am currently separated after almost 12 years of marriage. It was not my choice. My husband got to the point you described and instead of a talk with God, he had a talk with himself. I wish he would stumble upon this post. My prayer every day is that God will open his eyes to His truth about marriage.
Thank you for sharing this. I believe everyone who is married should read this. There are a lot of ups and downs, a lot of circumstances that aren’t what we planned or what we wanted. We don’t always “feel” in love with our spouse. We just don’t. But, feelings are fleeting. We can’t trust our feelings. We can’t trust anything that comes from us really. We made a committment before God and He would not let us make a promise to Him and then not equip us to be able to keep it.
PL, Thank you so much for your insight and thoughts in addition to Joy’s. The last line you wrote is what I have been needing to hear for months. Wow! My heart and prayers go out to you for the trial you are going through. *Hugs*
Rachel, I’m glad that what I said resonated with you. And, thank you for the prayers. They are much appreciated. *Hugs to you too*
PL, I’m so sorry. I prayed for you and your husband tonight as I read your comment.
Thank you so much Joy. I say often that sometimes the most loving thing we can do for another is pray for them. *hug*
OH. This. Is. Good!
Fantastic word pictures. It ebbs and flows, marriage. Good job.
Thank you, Ken.
So beautiful. Marriage has so many of those really hard moments, but I’m startng to appreciate how they can bring us closer if I just don’t let my pride get in the way too much.
Pride is such poison to a relationship, isn’t it?
I know all too well the ripping skin of midnight confessions. I have been where this woman is. I celebrated a victory yesterday. My victory came in the form of not crying. There is nothing wrong with tears until you begin to drown in them. I was drowning. I never stopped struggling for air tho. Never did I allow my body to go limp causing my head to be completely submerged. No one would blamed me if I had. You are correct when you say “baby steps.” Baby steps in a safe place. You must create a safe place without fear. It is there that you become free. Not without pain along the way but where freedom can be felt in the midst. My blog is filled with my marriage journey. Not many can understand my words unless they have sank into the fetal realm as you so beautifully penned above.
Jennifer, those safe places are so important. It is such a scary thing to make a baby step, not knowing how it will be received.
Love.
Love.
Love.
Beautifully written, my sweet friend. Heartbreakingly beautiful.
Oh, so real. So true. Baby steps – amen. Baby steps. If we keep talking to God through all of it, if we keep asking God to change us as well as that stranger in the bed, if we seek honesty and we seek connection – it will all cycle round again. Like anything real and worthwhile in life, marriage has its seasons. The one Mary is in is a tough one – exhaustion, real life, financial concerns, wondering what love really looks like – it.is.a.season. And it has to be moved through, acknowledged, and yes, even savored, for what it is. A time of stretching and growth. If we just keep stretching toward each other rather than away – God will work in the gaps.
This is just beautiful, reflective writing, Joy. A step outside the usual, more rhetorical you. And I love it. LOVE it. Thank you.
“Stretching toward each other” — yes. This is so important.
I’m so glad you enjoyed the story, Diana.
wow… so full of emotions and depth.
really so true for many of us at some stage of our marriage too.
baby steps help.
a heart that is open helps too.
Wonderful writing… Love it.
This is beautiful. Thank you.
Beautiful. So beautiful. Thank you.
“Oh God. I shouldn’t have cursed.
I’m an idiot.
What am I thinking, swearing in a prayer?
I guess it’s praying when I’m talking to you, right?
You should strike me down with lightning right now.
I’m such a wretch.”
I just want to let you know, in case you ever need it,
that I only found freedom from this internal torture
when I left faith.
Now I’m flooded with peace deeper than I ever felt in those days,
and I’m learning to heal from the years of pressure, guilt, and shame.
I hope you find peace whether in or out of faith.
You wrote my life in this post, without the wine and the curling around. The day has been busy, long and we are in opposite ends of the house. Eating dinner in our separate spaces. We are friends and companions. In three years we have come together as husband and wife only 3 times, and I can’t remember when was the last time. Life challenges, trials, loss, health. We are “able” but we don’t. I am bereft, so lonely and weary of this solitary life together. This is not a separation/divorce thing. There are no plans of leaving or seeking… elsewhere. I try to mention it, carefully choosing times and words and feel lost. So much prayer and seeking God. So much waiting in the dark. I know they love me, He and he. I just need the oneness.
Jonie, I prayed for you and your marriage tonight as I read your comment. May God move in both your hearts and bring you close again.
Jonie, I too said a prayer for your marriage.
That moment when we say, “I promise…I do”… we really have no clue what we are saying. We are in love with the idea of being in love… and then life just starts happening. The two became one.. It sounds so easy, so romantic, so beautiful… yet it’s not so simple after all.
Two people, two hurt people who have been broken by sin are now to become one. No one told us how hard that would be. What does that look like anyways? In 10 days we will celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary. Joining our lives together as one has not been pretty a good bit of the time, but more often just messy and broken. We have hurt each other often. How many times have I said, “God awaken my heart, stir up the feelings yet again”. The two shall become one, it cannot be willed or performed.. Only God can take two broken hearts and weave them into a beautiful tapestry of one by His hand that heals all broken places. I testify to His touch. I am becoming one flesh, one baby step at a time by the hand that frees my heart to love.
A beautiful piece you’ve shared here….
Jewelz, thank you for sharing how often you have asked God to awaken your heart. It is encouraging to hear from someone with more years experience that this struggle is normal and that God will continue to help us become one.
Joy, here at 54 years of age…. 32 years of knowing God I am finally beginning to realize something. It is God who does it all… really. I do nothing but run to Him. I haven’t known that for many, many years. It has cost me my life. I thank Him that He is beginning to remove the veil and reveal what grace truly is…. Jesus in me the hope of glory does it all…..
Bless you!
Great post!
If I wasn’t in the midst of this moment I don’t know what I’d be thinking after reading this post…but I am; we are. Fortunately, God is nearer now–Isaiah 54 and he is my Husband. My I AM. So in these moments, after 22 years, I find myself pressing hard into God’s back as well knowing he hems me in on all sides and sees me through the silences. I press in and brace myself for the next 22 years because as Andrew Peterson says in “Dancing In the Minefields”; “It’s harder than we imagined but that’s what the promise is for.”
Thanks for digging deep here.
Lorretta, these words are beautiful “I find myself pressing hard into God’s back as well knowing he hems me in on all sides and sees me through the silences.” Thank you for sharing them with us.
Joy, your writing always touches me. Thank you. I have been here, and thank you.
You have moved me to tears Joy. Your story (and Joni’s even more so) mirror my marriage right now. I feel so lonely at times and never thought anyone else could quite understand how I felt. Thank you for the understanding, for putting everything into persepctive, and for the inspriation in knowing I am not alone.
Sharon, you are NOT alone. I’m so thankful that this story reached you and encouraged you.
Ohhh….my son is going through this – and more….his wife left 7 weeks ago….out of the blue..he can look back and see ways he could have done better…but she found solace else where and now there is a baby and we will not know who’s it is, till the child is born…..(this pain is worse than losing Leyda! – its in our daily lives. Leyda is in a better place….none of this can be described that way).
This was beautiful and poignant and achingly honest. I dearly wanted to read more, and I don’t think mine is the only heart-nerve you’ve touched. Thank you.
Joy, thank you for this reminder that I need to be taking baby steps. Praying today I know what that looks like.
I “stumbled” upon this site while doing a google search about girls and their fathers. Then I “stumbled” upon this post. I live daily with the pain of a loveless marriage. I relate to every word you’ve written. We’ve been married 28 years. My husband fell from grace when he sought sex outside of our marriage. Not with one woman but with several. The last 3 years have seen much pain and physical separation but we’re still married. He wants me to be his wife but sadly, right now he has no wife. He has a friend and a roommate. He has not returned to me physically. He never touches me. I hate it and don’t want it to be this way but the chasm between us has gotten so wide I can’t imagine ever coming together again. He’s had counseling but there’s been no break through yet. I must continue to place our situation into the hands of God.