I’m a woman in my thirties, and sometimes I feel invisible. When I go to the mall, with the baby perched in her stroller, diaper bag on my arm, and the preschooler clinging to my hand, and the kindergartner walking two steps in front of us while I loudly call for her to wait up please, no one is looking at me, I’m background. When I dash out to get groceries by myself (which is a great moment of the week), no one tries to flirt with me anymore. When I push the backs of swings back and forth at the playground, I’m passed by packs of girls, pairs of young women, and I feel frumpy in my yoga pants, even in my I’m-trying-today-jeans, but pretty sure that I can’t wear those cute little outfits anymore without looking like I’m trying too hard, without needing serious shapewear, just another woman in her 30s that wants to be a teenager again. I feel like I am just one of the crowd now, standing here on the edges of feminine middle-age and, really, who desires me?
Because what does “just another mum” have to offer? To a church that can be afraid of women and women’s bodies and women’s experiences? to government? to pastors and ministry leaders? to intellectuals? to world leaders? to academics? to writers? to our body-snarking celebrity and physical appearance obsessed culture? I can feel easily dismissed because of my gender, my choices, my appearance, my beliefs, my weight, my language, my nationality, my clothing, my age, even my faith.
The eyes of the world (and the Church, sometimes) just slide right over and past me, just another tired mother, clearly not much to offer, nothing to desire here.
In a radical act of hope, I’ve started attending a Bible study with a few other women at church. The “radical act of hope” part has more to do with my own baggage about Bible studies and groups of Christian women but I’ve been so disarmed, so welcomed, that I find myself sitting down to a meal of humble pie masquerading as a cuppa tea with real true women of God, I’m even spending a bit of my time every day in this “lady Bible study” and I’m being, I don’t know, challenged. (Who knew, right?) Anyway, we were talking recently about two of the words used in the Bible to define God’s love: chesed and ahab.
Most of us, when we think of God’s love, we think of the chesed – the love that is “firmly rooted in God’s character. It involves loyalty, steadfastness, and covenant commitment as well as kindness, tenderness and mercy.” Its the love that is covenant, the love that doesn’t care if you don’t love back, the love that is never-ending and constant, beyond the responses of the receiver of that love.
This is the love that is faithful.
Source: janefarr.blogspot.com via Sarah on Pinterest
And that love has mattered in my life, it’s been the earth I walk upon, when everything else has moved – and it has – that chesed type of love, by its very nature, faithful and unending, held me above water. Because it’s the love that is never ending, it’s been my foundation, my rock. It’s the love that remains faithful when I am unfaithful. God loves because God is love and God will always love and God’s response is to love, and lovelovelovelove is the air we breathe.
But after a while, its hard not to become settled in that because of its very nature. Well, then, of course, God loves me, he has to love me, he has no choice, that’s God’s job, right? And we all know that few of us enjoy our have-to-do stuff. By its very constancy, it’s easy to let our eyes glaze over the profound nature of loving-kindness, a love so deep that it’s the bedrock of it all.
And that is why I love another word for the Love of God, often also used in the Old Testament: ahab, the love that is “to desire, to breath after, to be inclined toward, to delight in.”
This is why, as I am getting older, as I am finding my worth in places other than the opinions or desires or attentions of others, I am drawn more and more to the truth that God loves with desire, that he breathes after me, that he is inclined towards me, that he, oh, my heart, delights in me.
It’s the difference between staying married because you don’t believe in divorce, and staying married because you’re wildly in love with each other, your inside jokes still make you laugh, and that man can kiss you weak, right to the grass under your feet.
Ahab is the love of relationship, of specifics, its the love of delight and details. The love of family and romance, and its intensity is deeply connected to the covenant faithfulness of chesed, and they are carrying me all the way home these days. If chesed is the rock and foundation, ahab is the breath and the perfume, the cool water. They’re both for real life.
The chesed love of God has been my lifelong rock, but now, I need to know God’s ahab love for me, too. I need to feel known. I need to know that the covenant and the desire are kissing each other, and I am loved, not because God has to love me, not because it’s required, not because its just his job or his beautiful character to love me, no, I am loved by choice and with desire and it feels like abundance.
(The study that sparked this is “Knowing God by Name” by Mary A. Kassian. The quotes above are from that book.)
Ahab- …to delight in. My whole life, every time I saw my Grandpa, until he passed away six years ago, his eyes would light up and he would begin dancing. This is the image I’m going to think of now when I think of God. Him dancing at the thought of me. Thanks for giving me this new vocabulary for my Father’s love.
This post is just another drawing in a long line of conversations I feel God has been pushing my direction in the last week. His desire for intimacy with me…to love me…to see me…Who doesn’t want a relationship like that? But the answer is apparently me. I run from it instead of to it. But I’m praying He will continue to draw my heart. Hopefully this is just the beginning of the conversation.
Thanks Sarah, I needed that reinforced this morning, I’ve actually read that exact same part of that study. I just found out that a friend of mine actually from when I did that bible study is about to lose her second child….I want to light and candle, I want to lament, I want to pray but all I can do is cry and pour milk on cheerios and drive kids to preschool through my tears. Even reading this is going to make me late but I’m glad I did. Thank you!
So sorry for what your friend (and you) are going through. Know that the crying and pouring milk on the cheerios and carrying on with the day-to-day with tears in your eyes is a form of prayer, too.
You made me cry just reading your comment.
Peace and grace to you.
um, Sarah? thank you. You have put my heart into words here. I have always been sure of the deep love. love of God. and my call to love others…but I find myself on this dripping with passion path of loving people, nature, and divinity with an almost embarrassing amount of fever…now I know it has a name, Ahab. Oh, how I wish to be known, to know, to love. This speaks it with such clarity. I am on a quest for Ahab.
Understanding that God delights in me was huge in my journey to self-acceptance. HUGE. Love your insights here today, friend.
One of the most painful parts of singleness is the feeling that we’re not worthy of pursuit. So, while I don’t fully walk in your shoes, I do understand the beauty of discovering “ahab.” Thanks for that reminder today!!! XO
Yes!! So happy for you.
I am glad I got to stop by and read your post today. Your words have encouraged me here today! Thank you!!
BTW, I have a kindergartener, preschooler, and toddler, so I understand a little of your journey.
I love the word picture a commenter gave to this wonderful essay-grandfather lighting up like a candle and breaking into a jig at the sight of the granddaughter he delighted in. YES. May we hold onto that picture, especially when we feel invisible, unloved, unloveable. Thanks for this, Sarah. And HOORAY for a Bible study that’s real and inviting.
Oh Sarah. Thank you for these words.
“The chesed love of God has been my lifelong rock, but now, I need to know God’s ahab love for me, too. I need to feel known. I need to know that the covenant and the desire are kissing each other, and I am loved, not because God has to love me, not because it’s required, not because its just his job or his beautiful character to love me, no, I am loved by choice and with desire and it feels like abundance.”
Yes. Yes. Yes.
As a fellow woman in my thirties, feeling tired and unlovely, wondering my place in this world, I need to remember this ahab love today.
Beautifully written, friend. Worthy of sharing among my 40-something circles as well. Thank you for putting this into such heartfelt, eloquent words.
I agree! Words that are needed at any age. Because after you’ve been married umpteen years, after you’ve been walking with the Lord even longer, an Ahab reminder is like bringing back the honeymoon years. We so need both. Thank you friend for a beautiful post.
~Kristin
And even more so in your 50 somethings. Thank you.
To be inclined towards … we have this ache to be pursued. It explains Twilight and Downton Abbey and everything that appeals to women of any age … that being desired thing.
Gorgeous and POWERFUL words as always, friend. You know my heart.
BAAAHHHHHH….So with you. 34. Yuck. If feels like another dial has been turned up on my humility microwave. Trying to find my feet…without the markers and identity defining past…trying to plant those feet firmly on HIS TRUTH. Great thoughts!
“I am drawn more and more to the truth that God loves with desire, that he breathes after me, that he is inclined towards me, that he, oh, my heart, delights in me.”
yes to this! it has taken years for me to accept that he loves me, truly loves me. growing up in a church that often portrayed god as a mighty figure (and he is) that is ready and waiting to punish my inevitable sin made me have a disdain for him. thanks to the help of a loving, deeply loving husband (a gift from god) i have come to realize that god loves me more like my husband. he cares for me, and all the things you said above. he is good. truly good. and he loves, truly loves.
These words, the post and comments, are like water to my soul. Thank you for sharing. The realness of chesed and ahab tend to terrify me … But I’m always blessed when I do receive them. Praying for my unbelief.
This is beautiful to read, and your description of chesed and ahab love is poetry. I have that feeling too where I wonder if I’m seen and I know God’s love has been showing me in many ways recently that I am seen that I am visible, so this resonates deeply. Thank you for offering this radical hope in your words here, Sarah!
sarah . . i swear you were in my brain this last week. . thank you for reminding me where i need to look for affirmation . . love you
As much as I enjoyed working on Mary Kassian’s beautiful study, I enjoyed this post just as much. What a way to put it. I’m almost 30, two kids, and need the shapewear, although I usually eschew it. More and more each day I’m learning about the true character of God. Thank you for your lovely writing. Keep meeting with the girls!
This left me out of breath. Thank you so much.