Fists clenched tight, I beat them against His chest. I don’t want to be thankful. I want to be angry. I want to pound my fists and scream until my voice is gone. I don’t want to find joy in this suffering. I want to be joyful because the suffering has ended. I don’t want to hope in the midst of loss. I want to hope because I am surrounded by abundance. I want to see my hopes already fulfilled.
Shall I accept good from God, and not trouble? Job’s words echo in ears that burn red hot. My eyes sting as tears well up, and my anger is replaced by need. Knees buckle and I choke out the same sentence over and over between my sobs.
“I need You.”
“I need You.”
“I need You.”
No amount of anger can negate this need. No amount of frustration can rid me of it. Each moment of suffering makes me more aware of my inability to make it through loss without Him. With each admission of my neediness, I feel His arms pull me closer.
Exhausted, I unclench my fists. They drop to my sides and finally, finally there is nothing keeping me from Him, nothing between us. I have dropped my guard, let down my feeble defenses. He pulls me closer still, my head on His chest, tears soaking His white garment, as I cry tears of loss, pain, and fear.
This is what I have been longing for: to be wrapped in His arms. Broken, yes, but safe. Angry, yes, but not with Him. He is not my enemy. He is my light, my stronghold, and my salvation.
I wipe my nose on the back of my hand, eyes downcast, and mumble, “I trust You, Father,” not wholly convinced. “I trust You, Father,” I say again. “And I don’t trust You.” The words are clearer, louder as the truth comes out. “Change those places. Take them captive, and replace doubt with trust. I don’t want to just accept Your good. I want to accept trouble too. But I cannot do it without You.”
His words of truth wash over me as I acknowledge who He is. He is my strength and my shield. He is my rock of refuge, a strong fortress to save me.
This trouble is not punishment. This trouble is another chance to taste and see that He is good. This trouble is His strength made perfect in my weakness. This trouble is another chance to be refined, to become more like Him.
I look up, finally meeting His eyes that I know have been watching me, unblinkingly. Tears of joy replace tears shed in loss, pain and fear. Still lost in the love of His gaze, I am confident that, especially in the midst of trouble, His promises are true.
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
A powerful reminder to trust in God through adversity. Thank you.
If my tears, my thoughts, and my struggle had hit the paper tonight, this is exactly what they would have said. Thank you for saying it for me.
Beautiful! And, I love all the truths you quoted. Thanks for sharing this.
lovely! heart aching and honest and true. what i’ve experienced too and it’s in that surrender and acceptance that we can fall into Him if we let ourselves…i just don’t always like accepting the hard. i’d rather get mad
sigh…learning patience to see all things work out for good.
I love that, falling into Him. It’s so true. He is ready and waiting with open arms to catch us.
Thank you so much for this comment. I was up unable to sleep when I received this via email. It was the exact message at the exact moment that I needed to hear. Thank you so much.
You are welcome, I am so glad that you were encouraged. May you continue to be encouraged, knowing that the Lord is good and that He IS at work, right now, in the midst of your suffering.
He sees the beauty in the messes… I love that about Him… As we draw close to Him, He gives us His vision… His comfort… He helps us trust Him. Thanks for your raw honesty here.
amen.
such sweet communion with christ-when suffering empties me of myself, i’m drawn closer to him.
thanks for writing! xo
so so hard. to trust in terrible times. i’m reminded that god refines us with fire. burning off the dross that we might shine. i lov this post – full of hope.
He certainly does refine us with fire. Painful, but worth it. Thank you, Kendal.
I needed this reminder & I needed to know I’m not the only one who throws a tantrum before finally giving in to the pain and trusting Him in the midst of it.
No way, I am an expert tantrum thrower! I am learning to throw them in His presence, because He is not the enemy, He is not the source of the pain. He is our healer, our ever present help in times of trouble.
“Shall I accept good from God, but not trouble?” – Love this reminder. Thank you for the honest words.
I have a quote from Beth Moore that sits on my desk, “I love the mysterious side of God. I love that we can’t figure Him out. I love that He honors us by choosing us and humbles us by not even needing us. I love that He is wholly beyond formulas and manipulations, because goodness knows I’m not. I love Him.” It reminds me when I go through times of trouble my place in the story. He is beyond formulas and manipulations!
It is comforting to know that I am not the only one who needs the reminder. And yes, I am SO thankful that He is beyond my formulas and manipulations. I don’t just want to serve a God who is bigger than me, I NEED to serve a God bigger than me.
And since we’re sharing quotes, I have one from Shane Hipps, a pastor and author, that says, “Very often God will decide, instead of delivering you from, I will enter in, and you will see that what you are wanting to be delivered from is not so bad when I’m with you.” God’s presence doesn’t negate the pain or suffering, but it certainly changes my experience of it.
What a beautiful quote! Thank you for sharing this!
You’re welcome! It’s from a sermon he gave last year. I’m pretty sure I wanted to transcribe the entire thing in my journal.
Yeah, His presence doesn’t negate the pain or suffering (although sometimes it can relieve it), but knowing HE is so much bigger than what my little mind can create is the saving grace in all this.
Thanks for the great discussion and encouragement to keep pressing forward in His steps.
I will also say, I just found this blog a couple weeks ago and I am so impressed with the hearts being shared!
Very true and difficult. Speaking from recent experience–my wife and I have recently had a miscarriage–I know that I hold places of doubt with God. I didn’t know this until the pain exposed them, and allowed me to confess them.
He really is “bigger than the battle has ever been,” like 1000 Generations says.
Matt, I’m so sorry for your loss. You are right, He most certainly IS bigger than the battle has EVER been or ever will be. There is nothing our God cannot do.
It’s just that the doing doesn’t always look like we hope, and that is where we do have to press into Him, cry out to Him, and ultimately ask ourselves: do I believe that God is who He says He is? My answer, by His grace, continues to be yes.
I pray that you and your wife would continue to find the goodness of the Lord in every nook and cranny of this loss, and that His redemption would be more beautiful than you imagine.
Your words echo my heart. Thank you.
I am so thankful they spoke to you, you are MORE than welcome.
I can so relate to this, and I am so thankful for the beautiful, powerful, rawness of your words. Love the image of Him pressing us closer still. Thank you.
This is so true…thank you for your words!
Wow wow wow. Now I know why you liked my tweet this morning. We are on the same wave length. And I am in the process of writing Psalm 34 in my own words and was just working on the “oh taste and see” portion an hour ago. Love to you – can’t wait to chat today.
Thank you, Joy.
Cannot wait!
Haley, I love you.
This is incredibly beautiful. I think of you every day and wish I was there to hug you and sit with you. So proud to call you a sister of mine and a friend. You are so loved. You challenge me and encourage me and dare me to go to Him above all else. Thank you for that.
xoxo
“This trouble is not punishment. This trouble is another chance to taste and see that He is good.” Good. Good. Good. His Good.
This is so beautiful, I needed this!
I just found your site today via a new blogger friend’s blog. Wow, what a post to stumble upon. I have no idea what your sorrow is/was, Haley, but I could have written this same story. I call these moments (I’ve had many in the crisis from which God is raising me) my scream cries to God. It’s where I found Him real. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you *so much* for this today, Haley!
thank you for talking about being real with God. I went through a long season where I thought I couldn’t be and that He didn’t want it. Thank you for the validation you gave me and that I know you’re giving other people too.
Oh my goodness…you are so welcome. It is so important to be honest with God, He wants it from us, He wants to know each and every part of our heart, mind and spirit. I think it is important to be honest with one another that it is NOT always easy to be laid bare before the Lord. We need the encouragement, and I am so thankful that you were encouraged. Your God loves your heart, even the parts that aren’t clean and tidy.