Dear Kristen:
When my husband and I got married, we had very similar beliefs. As the years have gone by, due to a combination of thoughtful doubt and broken relationships within the Church, as well as our own personal sorrows and losses within our family, my husband has decided he no longer believes any of it. He doesn’t want to go to church. He doesn’t know if he believes in God anymore. He seems angry and hurt to me, but it’s been months and I don’t see any end in sight. I’m scared. I’m scared for him, I’m scared for our marriage, I’m scared for our kids. I don’t know how to be married to someone who doesn’t believe the same things as me, let alone someone who doesn’t believe at all anymore. I feel like he’s changed our very foundation of our family, and this is not being fair to me or to our children. I love my husband and I have no desire to hurt him but I’m also hurt and angry and confused. What would you recommend I do to help him right now? And if he remains in this place for a long time, how do we relearn how to “be married” when the foundation has shifted?
Anonymous
First of all, I want to acknowledge how difficult this must be for you. It’s obviously a huge adjustment, and no doubt profoundly disappointing for you as you consider the likelihood of being married to someone who doesn’t share your spiritual beliefs. You had planned your future with your husband under the assumption that you would share the same faith. It’s the death of a dream . . . one that you both shared at the onset of your marriage, and one that you had no hand in changing. As such, it’s reasonable that you feel grieved, and that you need to take some time and space for yourself as you mourn for the marriage you thought you would have. Anger, sadness, frustration – it’s okay to feel those feelings. Give yourself permission to process your own emotions about it with your trusted friends, and maybe even a therapist. This is big. Surround yourself with people who will support you as you grieve the marriage you thought you would have.
The next step, though, will be the most crucial part of the grieving process (and one of the keys to any long-term marriage): acceptance. You will need to accept your husband for who he is, including his doubts and unbelief. As you mentioned, you don’t yet know how to be married to someone with different beliefs . . . but learning how to do that will be your next task. Fortunately this isn’t a road you have to walk alone. Chances are that you already have friends in your circle with a spouse who doesn’t share the same faith. If not, finding people who share similar struggles is one of the beautiful aspects of the internet, and no doubt you could find a safe spot online to fellowship with other women in your situation. Find a support group, especially with women who have walked this road and can share their wisdom and experience with you.
The good news in all of this is that is IS possible to have a happy marriage with someone who shares different beliefs . . . even as big as this. One of the concepts many couples counselors stress with their clients is the idea of differentiation. Murray Bowen, a pioneer in the field of family work, describes differentiation as “being able to have different opinions and values than your family members, but being able to stay emotionally connected to them.” This is an essential skill for anyone in a long-term marriage because inevitably, when two human beings come together, they are bound to find area in which they aren’t in agreement. My husband and I share very different political views, for example, but we don’t need to be in agreement in order to have a close, intimate marriage. I don’t want to minimize how big a difference of faith is – but it IS possible for you to have intimacy with your husband while being on different pages spiritually. An emotionally connected marriage requires that you are sharing yourselves: your hopes, fears, dreams, and thoughts. It DOESN”T require that they are all in agreement. In fact, emotionally connected couples who are really vulnerable with on another often don’t agree on all things, because it requires trust and vulnerability to say, “I love you, but my thoughts on this are different”. You will need to offer this kind of unconditional love to your husband going forward. Can you continue to be his wife, his best friend, his confidante and co-parent even if he is not a believer? I think that you can, and I truly believe the biggest threat to your marriage over this issue will be overcoming this hurdle in your own mind. If you have a good marriage, please don’t let this drive it into the ground.
Of course you are probably reeling from this news, but eventually I hope you can begin to have empathy for your husband in this, too. It took guts for him to be honest about this, which is good. It must be difficult for him, too. Think about all he is losing . . . his own faith. That’s huge. He may lose friends. He might be scared to death that this confession means he loses his family, too. Try to be willing to enter into this with him, and support him even in the midst of your own disappointment. I bet he is disappointed and hurting, too. You can show him God’s love in this by being steadfast and accepting, even if he doesn’t receive it as such.
Of course, the acceptance I’m talking about will need to be mutual. You will need to respect your husband’s beliefs and he will need to do the same for you. You might need help with how to navigate this, so don’t be afraid to seek counseling if you get stuck. You will need to negotiate how you will raise the kids, and hopefully you will be able to continue to share your faith with them, even if he doesn’t.
One last word: as you move forward, please be mindful that viewing your husband as a “project” could create resentment for both of you. You cannot control this situation. You cannot take on the ongoing, never-ending burden of figuring out how to convert your husband. Surrender it and pray. You will need to love him without condition or expectation.
Prayers to you for strength and comfort as you move forward in your relationship with your husband.
Submit your own question to Kristen by emailing us at adeeperstory@gmail.com
My heart goes out to this woman and her struggle. I have a friend that confided in me about experiencing this with her husband, and I must say I wish I would have read Kristen’s response prior. I may forward this on to her, as I think it would probably offer more than what I did. I have tried to invite my friend to church with me several times, but she can’t seem to reconcile going to church without her husband, so she isn’t going at all. Maybe eventually she will, and I think she is probably grieving what she thought her marriage would be, and maybe hoping he’d eventually come around. I appreciate the heart of the woman who wrote this letter, and will be praying that God will comfort her as she figures out how to navigate her marriage in this new context, as well as any marriage that find themselves navigating this.
To Anonymous–I am going through this right now too. Kirsten’s description of it as the death of a dream is right on the money. I felt very lost and alone, and one night I finally broke and wailed at God asking why He was giving this to me, why He was taking away the picture I had painted for our family. And after that, I felt able to share with my small group, confidentially, what was going on, and also with a close friend. Just saying the words out loud and hearing love and acceptance from people lifted a huge weight off my chest. You are not alone. I am not alone.
To the writers of A Deeper Story, thank you for posting this. I would be interested to see a space for us created on the Internet, as you said, a place to talk and share and grieve and eventually grow.
I just have to say: wow. Kristin’s advice is so solid. I’m thinking this column is going to be a great resource for the pastoral counseling I do in the church I serve. Thank you!
Agreed! I’m not even married and I was like “This. This is so great.” Kristin – I so look forward to more of this column with your ability to handle an intense scary situation with grace and validation of the struggle. Definitely keeping this on hand for situations where I (as a single) can’t even begin to relate. Thanks!
Thank you for sharing. The response is one that can translate to many struggles in marriage & I will be reading and re-reading to take this advice to heart.
What a great response. This is very helpful, even to me, who dated and married someone who I knew to be an unbeliever from the start. You put into words, all the thoughts that went through my mind as I was processing. I know some people have a hard time understanding why I got into “this situation”, in the first place, but it’s an unexpected blessing (the name of my blog). There are certainly days where I am challenged and even angry, but I agree with the idea of not making this “your project”, because that alone, will cause anger, sadness and frustration. My prayers are with you ‘anonymous poster’ and thanks to you Kristin for providing encouragement to her and to those of us who are in these marriages for the long haul.
In response for a safe place. Someone passed this on to me when I got engaged and it has been an encouragement. Please check out: http://www.spirituallyunequalmarriage.com.
Oh, this is good. I can’t think of a thing to add here.
This has happened to me but the other way round. We have been married for nearly 19 eyars and it is me who has nearly lsot my faith and I feel very hostile towards Christianity and all the unnecessary pain, turmoil, conflict, disappointment and heartache it has caused. Unbelievers are better of in many way. So I have rejected a lot of my faith – am just hanging in there, but my husband is still a strong believer and it is painful for him to see me give up my faith.
However what I would say is let your husband have some space and take time out from religion – I believe God is OK with this, and so as his wife you can be OK with it too. When your faith goes there is just no way back – I have stopped going to church as I feel a hypocrite singing those songs and “pretending” – putting on a mask, so I have jacked it all in and am taking a break from spiritual issues to find myself again, and hopefully seek God’s face again and find true spirituality as opposed to reeligion.
…sorry for all the typos, wrote it quick and passionately!
Think about rewording that YOU are giving up on your faith. You still may have “faith” but maybe you are not believing the same way as others at your church right now. Thats okay! But do not give up. As a woman you still have faith in lots of things! Keep positive that you are just trying to understand your beliefs right now. Keep looking for the light!
thank you for this Kristen! my sister and brother-in-law walked away from God a few years ago and it’s been really challenging for me and my family to know how to respond without making them our “project” (which only pushes them away more). I needed to read your words about surrender and praying and loving without condition or expectation. thank you for your words and advice!
Amazing response Kristin!! I went through this very same thing 2 years into our marriage. My husband dropped the “I’m not a Christian, and I don’t believe in God” bombshell on me shortly after we adopted our first child. I was devastated and went through a season of grieving. Kristin is so right about resentment and the largest battle being in my own mind. I realized that my husband loved and respected me and I needed to do the same for him. After trying to change his mind for months he looked at me and said,” I love you but I can’t be married to someone who wants to change me.” It hit me like a ton of bricks.. God was calling me to love this man not to change him. Of course I want my husband to know the God that I know but he has never wavered in his love and devotion to me and our children. It took some laying down of my own pride to face my church and bible college friends. What they though of me and my marriage to a (gasp) “unbeliever” unfortunately meant more to me than I would like to admit. Every marriage has struggles..and I still believe that God has and continues to bless my marriage. It’s never easy to have your foundation rocked but my foundation is still firmly rooted in my relationship with Jesus. My marriage is rooted in love and respect and I have never loved my husband more. I promise it will get better..and I promise it doesn’t have to be the end. It can be a new beginning of your own personal faith as well as learning to love your husband even if you can never change him.
Thank you so much for this additional encouragement. This whole post and comment thread is building me up.
Thank you so much for answering this one, Kristen. I wanted to send in an identical question when I saw this feature starting up last week, but I never got around to it.
I needed this so much today. So thank you from the bottom of my heart, soul, and mind.
To Anonymous – I have been going through this for almost 3 years. My husband lost his faith after 2 years of being married. It has been such a difficult road, and many days I want to give up. I would love to get connected with you some how, if possible. As Kristen suggested needing to be connected with people who share in your struggle, I can say that’s where I’ve had problems. I really need to find other women who are going through this, so that I can have a safe place to be encouraged and realize I’m not alone. Sadly, I’ve come across a lot of judgment, misunderstanding, and shame from Christian circles of women about my husband losing his faith. Some of them even go as far as to try to say it’s my fault.
Hugs and prayers for you, sweet friend.
Great response, Kristen!
I want to add that Alise Wright writes very thoughtfully about her interfaith marriage, for those looking for solidarity and insights: http://www.alise-write.com/
To the asker, I have some encouragement to lend.
I grew up in a family who exemplified the exact same thing as Kristen has encouraged in her response. I’ve never asked for the full back story, but my grandpa never went to church when I was growing up, or when my mom was growing up. My grandma ALWAYS went to church, took the kids to bible class, and lived a Christian life. Grandpa hung out at home, napped on the recliner, and met them for lunch after Sunday service every week. But, somewhere around their 40 year anniversary, something changed. I don’t know what he saw then that he didn’t see before, but he decided to accept Christ and join the church. In all these years, my grandma never pushed her faith, she just lived it.
I’m not saying it should take 40 years, though. My aunt and uncle (mom’s sister, raised by the grandparents discussed above) went through the exact same thing in a much shorter time. In fact, the change happened within a year of my grandpa joining the church. After seeing my aunt live out her faith and show it to their kids, my uncle decided to accept Christ.
What I really want to say here is that I’ve seen women live out this example. They never gave up on their husbands, they respected their husbands’ choices and continued to live as Christ asked of them, and their life choices have played a HUGE part in making our extended family as happy and healthy as we are today. God gave them the faith to make this happen, and I know He’ll give it to you also.
Tyler, thank you for sharing. This is a great example. Our spirituality takes YEARS to form. I myself didn’t feel comfortable in my beliefs until my twenties. And my husband is a non-believer from the beginning of our relationship. it hasn’t hurt our relationship because we can respect each others choices in that area. I don’t need him to believe to solidify my beliefs. I have faith enough for both of us.
Kristen’s answer was perfect for this situation.
This is wonderful advice! I hope it helps her. I loved the last paragraph: “your husband is not a project”. Absolutely. I wish more people would understand that we cannot change our spouses but have to accept them for who they are!
What a great response, Kristen! I am in a similar situation- 1.5 years ago (2 years into our marriage) my husband told me he is an atheist. It wasn’t a complete surprise; when we met he said that although he grew up in the church, he wasn’t sure what he believed. Still, all through dating and our first 2 years of marriage, we attended bible study and church together. I had already started the process of seeing that we would never be on exactly the same page spiritually (and in reality very few, if any, couple are), but when he made this announcement, all of a sudden we were reading different books. I spent the first few months constantly on my knees, wondering how we’d make it and mourning my dreams for our marriage. It is mourning! I felt condemned because I sort of knew this was an issue but made the choice to marry him anyway etc, etc. I had a hard time telling friends and many still don’t know. But I have learned SO much in the last year! People weren’t nearly as judgmental as I thought they’d be (even in the bible belt town where I live), many told me not to consider his conversion my project and have prayed with me on the dark days of going to church alone. And that was just in the first few months. Since then I’ve gotten counseling which helped me in dealing both with my husband and with our friends and family. I’ve read a bunch of blog posts- Alise Writes was also very helpful to me- and I’m currently reading Stages of Faith by James Fowler. It has helped me to see that all of us are on a faith journey (even atheists) and the step my husband has taken is actually very bold. It steps away from spoon fed traditions, questions the literalism that most of us are accustomed to, and looks for truth. Some people can do this and retain faith (I’d argue that most if not all Deeper Story writers are in this stage or beyond), but some need to pursue rationalism 100%. But this is just one step along the journey. My husband and I will each move along the path but he may or may not return to faith in God. Of course I hope he does but I no longer am waiting for or expecting it. I’ve made peace. While I still have plenty of questions about how this looks in real life and with children, his conversion is not even on my radar- both of us are exactly where we need to be for now. Anyway, I know this was a long comment but thanks to this community as well as good counseling, I am in a much better spot. I am thankful for that and am quite willing and interested to talk with others in similar interfaith relationships.
Excellent advice – especially about not making the husband a spiritual project.
I’ve been married to an atheist for 9 years and I’ve come to think of “belief” in God as a gift that can be gained and lost, much like our physical health. As such, I am ever the more grateful for my own innate gift of belief, which has its ups and downs, like most people. When I decided to marry my husband I did pause and consider the difficulties that may arise from our different beliefs but couldn’t help shake the feeling that God had chosen this man for me and me for him, in spite of his lacking the gift of belief. And not for his conversion, either. Any efforts on that track would be a first-class ticket to divorce court in my relationship.
I’m not trying to equate my story with the person’s here, since it is clearly extremely disappointing and much more difficult to try to negotiate this difference when you entered marriage with certain understandings and expectations about faith. However, I would suggest that just because your husband has lost his belief in God does not mean that God has left your marriage. Best wishes.
Thank you so much for this, Kristen. I’ve been living in an interfaith marriage for 3 1/2 years (after 13 years of marriage) and while it can be unnerving at first, it’s important to remember all of the other things that you love about your spouse. I love my husband’s sense of humor, his intellect, his passion, his honesty. These things didn’t change when he lost his faith, and it was (and is) important for me to remember that.
I 100% agree with Kristen’s advice to find those with whom you can share about your struggles. I also encourage you to get to know some folks in your husband’s community. I feel like I understand my husband much more because of the relationships that I have formed with other atheists. Be blessed!
I a, so glad that people have begun using the word “interfaith” to describe your marriage. It is such a positive, non-judge mental term. Kristen’s advice is perfect but let me add that many of us see our interfaith relationships as very positive thing. I am a better Christian because of my husband’s Judaism and he is a better Jewish guy because of my faith. I am so sorry that you couldn’t choose this dynamic for your relationship and your life but if you want to work toward this viewpoint, I think you’ll find a lot of joy.
I love Susan Katz miller’s blog on interfaith (she is very inclusive of atheists being a “faith” too). http://Www.onbeingboth.com
Also, there are a whole lot of Christians out there exploring different definitions of “faith” that don’t involve belief. In other words, they have begun to get the feeling that acceding to the same intellectual ideas about God as other people is too small for their actual experience with God. They are trying to answer the question, “how do I follow Jesus/worship God even when I can’t believe everything that I’ve been taught?” Seeking out folks like this (search post-modem or emergent Christianity) might help give you a model for how to be in relationship with your husband without needing to change him. Nadia bolz-weber, brian mclaran, nt wright, rob bell, anne lamotte, and Nanette sawyer are good thinkers to start with.
You are so good at this advice stuff!
Hi Kristen,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and love it, so I followed the link here and was really moved by what I read. What a painful situation – and I appreciate your thoughtful answer, which I think is wise to take into account the difficulties that both wife and husband are facing.
I’d just like to offer another perspective. I married my husband knowing that he was an atheist – he’d never seriously identified as anything else. I, meanwhile, was in a masters program in religion and a lifelong Christian. Somewhere along the way—through a combination of the serious historical and theological studies I was undertaking, and conversations with my husband (who never tried to convert me!)—I lost my faith too. And it was scary! It’s scary to realize that things you once believed, that were so central to your identity, are now things you can no longer honestly hold to be true. When I took a hard look at my faith, the evidence just wasn’t there. I try to always keep an open mind, but it is hard to imagine that faith ever being restored.
But the thing is…it’s okay. It was scary at first, and confusing. Yet now I feel at peace with calling myself an agnostic some days, and an atheist on others. I say all of this not because I hope that the writer will lose her faith—I still love the church, and know how much it means to so many people. But I urge her to continue to spend time having some deep conversations with her husband about why he now believes what he believes. Maybe her faith will emerge stronger for being reexamined, or maybe she will find that, on reflection, her husband’s thoughts and feelings about faith actually resonate with her – and either of those is fine. She and her husband need to be gentle with one another in this tough time, absolutely – and I wish them the best in figuring things out.
I’m with Jenna above–not married and still thinking how great this response was. Because I’m the one who has lost faith (mabye? Or maybe it’s just fractured in a million tiny pieces…I don’t even know yet). But I do know that unconditional love and acceptance is just exactly what I hope for from others in the face of it–*especially* from those whose faith is still a nice, shiny little box. In my experience…it’s rare.
This post also reminded me of the fantastic An Open Letter to the Church: How to Love the Cynics by Addie Zierman: http://howtotalkevangelical.addiezierman.com/?p=1594. While it might be written more about those who want to come back to faith, as opposed to those who have left and aren’t coming back…I think the ideal response would be essentially the same.
Missing is a discussion about how the spouse may return to faith in time. Faith is a journey. I am glad I don’t have the same name it-claim it faith I had as a college student when we married. Life pounded my wimpy faith out of me. We both took a break from church. We “lost” our faith for a while and gave each other the space to find firm footing again. One cannot assume faith will stay the same. It’s like a lot of other adjustments a married couple endures in the long term. We have been together 25 yrs.
This shift in the marriage may cause the believing spouse to doubt or at least question. That is ok, Elton Trueblood says “an unexamined faith is not worth having”.
Well written and thoughtful response. My husband and I are of different religions and make it work by respecting our differences and appreciating the similar values we both share that stem from our religions. Great response Kristin.
I know we will be praying for you as you move forward — and I would encourage you to invite others, in your real life and online, to pray over the situation as well. Not for your will, but God’s.