Today, we are honored to welcome to A Deeper Family Justin & Trisha Davis, authors of Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Enough:
When I was 8 years old, I got caught playing in a mud puddle when my dad came home from work. He had told me repeatedly not to play in the mud puddle, but this time he didn’t say anything. He just took off his belt and whacked me with that belt all the way up the driveway. It was the last time I ever played in a mud puddle.
That is my first memory of behavior modification. I didn’t stop playing in mud puddles because I didn’t like mud puddles…I never wanted to be spanked like that again.
Over the next 20 years I would become and expert at modifying behavior. I acted a certain way at home; a certain way at church; a certain way on dates; a certain way around friends.
When I got married I quickly learned what Trisha liked and what she didn’t like. I learned how to alter my behavior to avoid conflict. I learned what would cause an argument and what would keep the peace.
We are great at editing our behavior aren’t we? It’s why some of us walk on eggshells when we get home from work, hoping we won’t upset our husband. It’s why some of us are dreading this weekend, because we know we won’t be able to get through it without our wife nagging at us for something we’ve done or forgotten to do.
A lot of marriage resources focus on behavior modification. Communication. Anger management. Work/Life balance. Money management. Improving your sex life. It isn’t that these aren’t important issues (especially improving your sex life) but most of the behaviors we struggle with are tied to a broken part of our heart.
We work really, really hard to improve our marriage by improving our behavior and it lasts for a few weeks or a few months, then we are right back in the same rut. Even worse, we try really, really hard to improve our marriage by trying to force our spouse to improve their behavior, and we end up frustrated and exhausted; and our spouse feels like they never do anything right.
You can behave your way into an improved marriage, but you can’t behave your way into a different marriage.
God doesn’t want to improve your marriage. He wants you to have a different marriage. God doesn’t want to modify your behavior. Wants to change your heart. Different comes when you as a husband or you as wife invite God to change you.
It is a dangerous prayer to pray: “God change me.” You know why it is dangerous? Because this is a prayer God will always answer. God longs to change you. As much as you want to change your spouse; as much as you try to modify your behavior; God wants to change your heart. This prayer is where lasting change starts.
The question is will you pray this prayer? Will you stop trying to behave your way into a better marriage and surrender to a God that longs to change you? Will you stop trying to change your spouse and trust a God that can transform them without your assistance?
God doesn’t promise improved, God promises new.
JUSTIN & TRISHA DAVIS KNOW ALL TOO WELL the dangers of settling for an ordinary marriage. Their own failure to recognize the warning signs almost resulted in the end of their marriage, their family, and their ministry.
Justin and Trisha are bloggers, authors, speakers and founders of RefineUs Ministries. Sharing their story of pain, loss and redemption, RefineUs is igniting a movement to build healthy marriages and families.
They are the co-authors of their first book, Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn’t Good Enough, published by Tyndale House Publishers. View the book trailer here, and follow them on Twitter: https://twitter.com/justindavis33 and https://twitter.com/trishadavis23
The Davises are bloggers and teachers who make their home in Nashville, TN with their three boys.
We are grateful to be able to send a copy of Beyond Ordinary to reader of A Deeper Family. To enter to win one copy of the book, please leave a comment below telling about an area of your own life that you would like to see become more than just ordinary. Giveaway open to readers in the United States and Canada only. Giveaway ends January 18th.
This book sounds great. I am sixteen years into my marriage, but caring for four young kids does take its toll. I’d love a little less ordinary and a little more extraordinary.
Love this story of redemption…I am walking with my niece whose husband walked out on her…3 small children …one only 9wks old…would love to share this with her as she stand for her covenant . Thanks and blessings
Love to improve my sex life with my husband.
I’d like to see the communication in my marriage go from ordinary to extraordinary.
I’d love to see my marriage go from ordinary to extraordinary. Hubs and I talk about how we don’t want to just “survive” in marriage, we want to THRIVE and bring glory to God. Great post. I’d love to hear more of their story.
I would love a copy of this book! I would like our quality time as a family to go from ordinary to extraordinary.
My husband and I have engravings on our wedding bands that refer to a thought from Jean Vanier (and Mother Theresa too, I believe): To do ordinary things with extraordinary love, rather than extraordinary things with ordinary love.
So, it is my hope to be less ordinary in my relationships with neighbours, especially because I live in the heart of a city with many marginalized people.
I was speaking to my husband about this the other week. I feel as if my life is just blah and so ordinary. I want something different and extraordinary. So when asked that question, I can’t pinpoint just one part of my life I would like to go from extraordinary…I want my whole life to be extraordinary.
I would like to improve all areas of my marriage with my husband who has fallen away from his faith and is now agnostic. I want to see hope for our marriage among the brokenness. I want to believe it can still work, for better or extreme worse.
Sounds like a book full of redemption and grace. I like books like that.
Oh. My. Goodness. How many times does the church, how many times do I, need to be reminded that the gospel is not behavior modification? This sounds amazing. And important. Thank you for having the courage to write from your wounded places.
This book sounds wonderful. My husband and I are working now to repair ten years of unresolved pain that resulted after a traumatic event that took place in the first few months of our marriage. God has been faithful, as we have been faithful. It has been a difficult road, but we are beginning to see healing take place. Thank you for the opportunity to win this book. ~jana
Hi, this post is the only piece I’ve read by this author (or co-authors), so I want to be generous and give you the benefit of the doubt. But this post left me a bit confused. You say, “God doesn’t want to improve your marriage. He wants you to have a different marriage.” I’m very confused by that. Surely God DOES want your marriage to improve. “Different” doesn’t mean “better,” or “good.” Change for the sake of change sounds a bit relativistic to me. Surely “improvement” is “different,” but it’s different in a good direction. I think you’re right to say that God changes us, and God makes our hearts new, but the underlying assumption is that the change is an improvement, and that our hearts are better, right? If I’m being too heavy-handed, then please forgive me, but this advice (is it advice?) seems confusing to me. I’m not sure what we mean when we say, “the gospel isn’t about behavior modification.” You’re right, it’s hard to pinpoint the gospel onto a single “about” map. But surely the gospel *entails modification? And a marriage that “thrives” and is “extraordinary” is surely one where the spouses’ behavior is improved toward one another, not simply different. If you could clear that up for me, I’d appreciate it. Thanks
Hey Paul, thank you so much for your note. I totally get where you are coming from, and I think we are on the same page, just saying it in different ways. The heart of the post is based around the fact that the divorce rate for Christians is the exact same as the divorce rate for those that don’t go to church. So people whose marriage end are going to church…they are singing the songs, praying the prayers, but for some reason their life and marriage isn’t being transformed.
Scripture says that those that are in Christ are “new” creations. They aren’t improved versions of the old self, they are brand new. So, that statement in the blog post is basically a paraphrasing of that scripture.
I hope that helps clear it up. My point is there are not 7 happy hops to a great relationship with God or a great marriage. It is a daily decision to allow Jesus to transform us. I’m sorry I didn’t say it more clearly in the post.
Thanks, appreciate it. Thanks for yalls work.
I would love to see real communication in our marriage – not just about the to-do lists or children, but about goals, God and so much more.
Would love a copy of the book. My husband and I are trying to improve our marriage right now.
Marriage. I’d love to be able to write a story like this for our marriage (we already have the hardship, now we need the change…)
Would love to read this and be encouraged.
I listened to your podcast on Family Life. I would love to read the book!
Married 32 years and we need healing.
Wow, wow, wow! Isn’t that the truth — the most exciting and scary prayer to pray. I would love to see my relationships become EXTRAordinary, starting with my family and spilling over out of an abundance of my relationship with the One who can change me for the better.
Would like my hubby and I’s marriage to be one that people WANT to emulate. We mentor married couples at our church who are going through tough marriage things, and not only do I think this book would be a great tool for mentoring, but I think it would strengthen my own marriage. We all too often are in a rut of “trying to change for the other person” and it lasts all too short a time. It would be nice to get a perspective of an alternate method!
God never told us or showed us a life or marriage of extraordinary measures. No one wants an unhappy sad marriage but if we pursue the idol of an extraordinary then where is God in this? All through scripture I se how Christ modeled a life of laying down our lives for each other. Of running the race set before us and running well. Paul suffered many hardships but he kept running hard after God. The bible isn’t a handbook to an extraordinary life. In fact it tells us and calls us to much suffering. However in that suffering we are called to suffer well for the gospel and to put Christ on display inour lives and that means our marriages as well. The ordinary, every day life of marriage is hard, sticky and sometimes hurtful. God is in the redemption business but not to make our lives easy or happy for the sake of happiness, but for his glory to be magnified.