a guest post by Emily Freeman
When I was in high school, this kind of blog would have scared and intimidated me. Deeper Story? Your deeper stories might be scandalous, heartbreaking, dark and brooding. I couldn’t relate with them, didn’t understand them, and generally wanted to pretend they didn’t exist. Back then, your deeper stories highlighted the fact that I didn’t think I had one.
My stories were never very deep. At least, that’s what I used to think. I longed for shiny and happy, for Bible study conversation and movie nights and safe fun. When I went off to Bible college, that’s what I expected to find. Instead, I ended up with a roommate who bled deep stories. And I watched as hurting women all over campus seemed to flock to her to share their own.
People were drawn to her brokenness. Strength is made perfect in weakness. Relationship is more compelling than is admiration. We are all party hosts running out of wine, but some of us won’t admit it. Blessed are those who bring their small cups of water to Jesus. He does miracle things with the offering.
Here is my deeper story.
I have spent a lot of my life thinking it is not okay for me to have a deeper story. I thought I had to be whole, to be right, to hold myself together in order to be loved. I never thought that for you. Your story of loss, heartbreak, scandal and homelessness may have intimidated me, but I knew it was okay for you to have them. But not me. If my story sounded like your story, I would not be okay. And I spent a lot of life making sure my story never sounded like your story.
I followed the rules.
I colored in the lines.
I waited on the bench.
I played it safe.
But not really. True safety only comes from a life hidden in the safe place of Christ. Even though I was a true believer, I lived hiding behind the shaky curtain of performance. It was an exhausting place to live.
I didn’t mean to do it. I just didn’t know the mystery. I didn’t understand that grace doesn’t have corners. I didn’t know how to experience the limitlessness of love. Over the past ten years, I’ve been swimming around in the waters of acceptance, finding the grace God gives to the good girl who can never be quite good enough, the girl who knows she should be better, the girl who fears her deeper story.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?
Emily Freeman is a writer, speaker, and listener. She is the author of the book Grace for the Good Girl and the blog, Chatting at the Sky. She is also a monthly contributor for (in)courage and has travelled as a blogger for Compassion International. Emily and her husband live in North Carolina with their three young children.
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In honor of the release of Emily’s fantastic new book, Deeper Story is giving away three copies to three lucky readers! Simply answer Emily’s question at the bottom of her post, right here in the comments. One entry per person, please. Winner will be selected on Friday night at 5pm PST and notified by email.
{ 109 comments… read them below or add one }
“Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?”
YES! And Yes. And yes.
I love it, Emily. What’s funny is that I’ve said I don’t relate because I learned grace after being the bad girl.
But I look back to junior high, when I was working so hard to be good, and this story really is my own. I chose to be rebellious because I wanted a deeper story, and I almost lost my life because of it.
Obviously rebellion isn’t the answer. Community with God in truth about our low-down position is. I can’t wait to read your book.
Amber, yes! I too was a good girl and Emily, yes! It was an “exhausting place to live.” I chose quiet, desperate rebellion in an attempt to disappear. Breath. Without the weight of the world…that I had constructed. Perfection and goodness at every turn. I looked to everyone for approving glances and then couldn’t stand up under the weight of them.
You are so right…hidden in Christ is the only safe place to be. I have been a good girl desperate for a story and a bad girl embarrassed to share. And I think perhaps I have found a home in these grace arms of Jesus…
Emily, your words…thank you.
Amber, “community with God in truth…” yes.
Amber, I think my grown daughter also was rebellious (by my good girl standards) because she wanted “a deeper story”. She complained to me after she was grown that she had such a boring life–”I never even broke a bone!”, she said. I thought Are you crazy? I worked my butt off trying to provide a safe, healthy, and peaceful environment and you are complaining! I grew up craving peace, safety, and security. And my child wants to break bones. Lord have mercy.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? invisible ? often…
Do you long to explore the deep waters of grace? living to dive more deeply!
I need to get my hands on a copy of Emily’s book! I can totally relate to your post! I do feel invisible some times…struggling to be perfect and at times feeling like people don’t give me the “credit” I deserve…but I must remember that I should seek after God’s acceptance and stop trying so darn hard to please people of the world…because when I do I can see myself as worthy.
Thanks for the chance to win!!
Me too. I am a recovering good girl. A girl who thought her story was too boring, too clean. A rule-follower who read the Scriptures and couldn’t find her face there. I was blind, but in the past couple of years, I have begun to see. To see the sin below the surface that makes me, too, in such desperate need of grace. His grace is for me, and every “good” decision I have ever made, every blessing I have ever received, is all Him. All His grace. I did not do this on my own. And it’s such a relief to swim in these waters, to know that my story is worthy, that it is more than okay to draw the curtain back and to retell it again and again and again. I don’t want to be invisible, don’t want my story to go untold because of my own fears and insecurities and hang-ups. I want to live my story — every up and down, every passion and frustration, every moment of redemption and joy — not because I am the greatest story-teller, but because He is, and His grace is for the recovering good girl as much as it is for anybody else.
My struggle with being a good girl is the rejection I’ve experienced from others. The more open my heart is to accepting others the more doors that seem to close. What makes it even harder is watching my neice experience the same response from her peers. What I eventually explained to her was that people are mirrors and some people do not like their own reflection when they see good in others it highlights the negatives they feel about themselves.
Being a hospice nurse I told my husband shortly after we married that on my tombstone, I would like it to be written “Here lies Melody and she was enough!” I am excited to experience His grace, dig deeper and embrace my own reflection.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? I used to feel invisible, but that’s only because I wasn’t being true to myself. I was too scared that my dreams and personality were too out there for people to swallow. So I held them in. I am new to this “being true to myself,” but invisible no longer.
Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace? I live daily under this grace “without corners.” Living any other way leads me to far off the path.
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=tenth+avenue+north+youtube&mid=10B01DECC8DC26BAD88410B01DECC8DC26BAD884&view=detail&FORM=VIRE4
I’m longing to give grace out. I feel all my years as a ‘good girl’ were really years of putting myself above others. I’m continuously learning how much grace I didn’t give anyone, myself included.
“Do you feel invisible, living your surface story?”
I was the girl that bled deep stories. I left a trail of disaster everywhere I ventured. But God has given me new life. He has changed my name and made me whole. I just can’t keep quiet about Him! He is so good!!
Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?
Yes! Even though Christ has changed my life in just 2.5 short years so far, I pray continually that He will search me and make it known to me the areas in which my heart is out of line with His. I find when I unpack the mess and peel back the layers, He is so close. Though it is scary, just feeling that “deep grace” makes it all worth it.
Yesterday I wrote a post about a period of life as a violent teen on drugs.
http://www.hesearchesme.com/2011/09/undeniable-day.html
Yep, sometimes I do feel invisible. But, honestly through life circumstances as an adult I’ve been “forced” out of the safe, good girl, circle and experienced that grace that I thought was only “the other type ppl” needed.
“We are all party hosts running out of wine, but some of us won’t admit it.”
What a compelling line! I have a deeper story but for the first couple of decades of my life I overlooked the goodness and depth and unconditional nature of God’s grace. It was easy to put on a smile and recite Scripture without letting the truth settle in. Until I screwed up big time and had to get over myself and my own pride before I experienced His forgiveness and understood salvation in a completely new light.
I truly want to understand what grace means to me. I can believe it for others but don’t seem to get it when it comes to myself. I feel I am never good enough.
Do I feel invisible? Often. At first I feel like I’m noticed because of my warm smile and what everyone keeps referring to as my “cherry Pollyanna personality” (..yuck) but then I’m placed into a box and put away. Because no one thinks that I could have any depth or deeper story. Well I DO have a deeper story. It’s has chapters of pain, and chapters of struggles. It also has many chapters of strength and perseverance; and many ones of grace and love. But I am seen as a Good Girl…. with a story that others have created for me in their own minds. I AM NOT a Pollyanna. I do not always put on a smile and giggle my cares away. I have feelings… deep and authentic feelings .So I have struggled to be the person everyone wants me to be and be SEEN as the person I am. I want to live and explore the deep waters of grace. Seen as the wonderfully, deep and creative soul he has made me.
My story is extremely deep. Far deeper than I like to admit. I’m pretty transparent but there are parts of my deep story I keep quiet, for fear it might be too deep for other’s to accept and understand. That somehow it will make people see me as dirty, tarnished, broken beyond repair. I’m not those things, yet I fear being called those things.
This was me for so much of my life. I avoid my brokeness and think of myself as the ‘good girl with the boring testimony,’ but in the end, I shoot myself in the foot. Faux-unbroken people have a hard time genuinely extending grace to broken people; it’s hard enough to give it to myself when I have to look put-together.
Living the surface story looks so much prettier than the messy, real corners of my life. It often seems easier to let others draw conclusions, than to be vulnerable enough to let them see past that veneer. God has done great things in my life and yet it is life on this flawed earth and sometimes is just is not pretty. I need his grace to embrace the messy corners and weakness as opportunities for his strength to shine!
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Do you long to explore the deep waters of grace?
Even though I was always the good kid, I grew up in a family of dark secrets and was very aware of how broken I was when I first picked up a Bible and encountered Jesus. I knew that I was angry and violated ashamed and needed that same grace I saw Jesus show the Gaderine demoniac and the woman at the well. He saw who they really were, reached into their pain and their shame and transformed them. I was so aware that even though I wasn’t participating in a bunch of outwardly bad behavior, the core of who I was had been broken and wounded. From the beginning I had to dive into the deep end of the pool of grace just to survive. I think that’s maybe one of the reasons why still all these years later every day I still get choked up at God’s mercy for me, and it’s easy to extend that kind of mercy to the people in my life. My world is full of other broken people who are traveling companions with me toward healing and redemption. Even though I’ve always been the “good” girl behavior wise, my friends know that they will always find grace and mercy when they are with me regardless of what they’ve done or what they are doing, because we all come to Jesus with that same common need.
I lived among my friends ashamed for being the “good girl” and yet I knew that’s how I was *supposed to* live among my family. And so I stepped out and navigated the play as bad girl–timidly. Still, though, I struggled to find my place–expected to be the good girl, but longing to take risks. And so I floundered for years–even while married and as a mother. I didn’t know how I was *supposed to* act. As a good girl, I stumbled, and for some people I still wasn’t good enough. And as a bad girl, I stumbled, and wasn’t good enough for many. Good/Bad–I was never enough. And so became my search for acceptance and belonging, and my fall into the belief that it’s true–He really DOES accept me as I am, and there’s purpose for me just as I am. I’ve been learning about Grace and most especially the Freedom to bathe in it. And so now I write about this living freedom in a grace-full life, and how it’s our worship. I’ve enjoyed following Emily’s process of this book writing and I can’t wait to read the finished piece that will truly transform lives!
I like how you describe “never enough” in both categories. Well put.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Do you long to explore the deep waters of grace?
I used to, but not so much anymore. I still struggle with looking at my performance as how accepted I am with Christ.
Yes, I long to explore the deep waters of grace. Do I have to trade in my water wings and nose plug and goggles? Skinny dipping in the dark sounds more inticing, but dangerous.
This line resonates: “Blessed are those who bring their small cups of water to Jesus.” That image is going to stick with me.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Often. I don’t feel I have a vibrant, pasionate drive and am scared to take the risks to get there.
Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace? Yes! I am slowly becoming more aware.
Yes, I am tired of hiding and being afraid of the real me.
Uh… Yes, unfortunatly. I would love to let go though and go deeper. It’s scary though.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Yes, and I think most of us probably feel the same way.
Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace? Yes, wholeheartedly yes.
I have gone through most of my life feeling invisible and I thought it was because I came from a fairly large family. I have done a couple of things in my life that made me look really successful for a moment, but they were really limited. They were real, but I would always come back to the fact that the next time I would have to do even more. A really horrible experience led me to a feeling of greater hopelessness than ever. And I still try to be good enough to sort it out and fix it. I am starting to explore the deep waters of grace, and the more I do, the more I long to.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?
-I think we all feel invisble in different ways. Grace is scary. It knows no bounds. It doesn’t answer to reason. Sometimes I fear the unknown and wonder where is grace to cover me and how to extend it to myself for the sins committed agaisnt me and those I’ve chosen myself.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Yes, as you so accurately described it, it can be exhausting.
Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace? Yes, yes, and yes!
Oh, Emily! The deeper story is always so important. I have to say I probably identify with your roommate a little more. Sometimes I can feel like a total freak because I love to share my deeper stories and others’ deeper stories. I love to wallow in them and swim in them and just sit a while. I truly find God in the struggles of life, because that’s where His love and grace and beauty are so obvious!
Being honest (admitting to imperfections) can be hard, but I’m learning to allow myself to stumble, to see the grace in every moment. And you know what I’ve found? As I do these things, I’ve begun to make true friends, to find real joy, and a wonderful sense of peace.
My deeper story is basically a novel in the making…..although I won’t be writing it because I am definitely not a writer. I do want to move past all of the junk that holds me back. I do have ambitions but I continue to let my lack of self confidence hinder me from breaking free and doing the thing!
I’d love to win a copy of this book!
This year is one where with God’s help (nudge, or is that shove?), I am learning to tear off the mask, to let the deeper me come out. I know the incredible refreshment and renewal that is available through God’s grace but must learn to keep my eyes on Jesus in order to live that way.
I totally get this!
Love this-”Even though I was a true believer, I lived hiding behind the shaky curtain of performance. It was an exhausting place to live.”
I have lived following the rules, coloring inside the lines, and all the proper colors mind you, playing it safe, keeping everything inside the box. It is exhausting, working with a friend to try to stop, and just be me, once I figure out who that is….
I always feel invisible.
Grace scares me. Shouldn’t I have to earn it?
I lived behind the shaky curtain of my own performance until circumstances changed so dramatically in my life that I was helpless to put the pieces back together myself. It was only then that I got a glimpse of God’s incredible grace and a small taste of the difficulties that others face in our world everyday. I’m not sure what my deeper story was before, but I sure have one now. Do I feel invisible? On one hand, I feel completely exposed and would prefer the anonymity of a “normal” life, the way things were before. But on the other hand, I do feel invisible – as if the rest of the world continues on as normal even though my life has been forever changed.
I used to feel the same way for SUCH a long time.
Yes. The past, almost 2, years have been a journey in a deeper understanding of His grace for “one like me”.
Yes. When I can find time and energy and the baby starts sleeping through the night . ..
Strength is made perfect in weakness, but yet I struggle so with appearing weak in front of other people for fear that it will reflect bad on HIM. Does that make sense to you?
Relating to this perfectly, have felt it all, but never realised.
Thankyou for helping me express my feelings better, through your sharing
Susan
“Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?”
Without a doubt. As long as they are waters of grace, and truth.
I have always like deep — in conversations, books, etc. — but after reading your words I realize that part of being a good girl is trying to help fix other people’s deeper stories, to comfort them. It’s easier and safer to do that than look at our own deeper story. I must read this book!
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?
When I think about my past, I knew that there was brokenness but I convinced myself that I couldn’t let anyone else know there was brokenness in my life. I had to at least give off the appearance that I had it all under control. Sometimes that took the form of meanness, sometimes apathy, sometimes I just kept people at a difference until people stopped trying to get close. My real self was not invisible, instead I had painted over it. I am just getting to a point in my life where I realize that the deep waters of grace even exist. At the same time that I want to swim in them, I’m still afraid to, as well.
My whole thinking has changed, become more comfortable as a result of first finding One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and then through that finding your book Grace for the Good Girl and through that finding (in)courage. I’m finding a whole world of kindred spirits. Today I wrote something for my blog that I am not sure if I can publish yet. I want to dialogue on lonliness. I am okay with deep stories, but I am not okay with my constant neediness. My good girl says that if I only plug into Christ in the right way, I will not be lonely…He is enough, right? Ahhhh, there is so much to explore and I am seeing that being lonely isn’t bad. Where did I ever get all this thinking… I am so hard on myself with shoulds.
I used to fake it. Until people started saying, “Oh, her? She has it all together.” I didn’t like that girl. I wanted to be real with people, and have them be real with me. I’m still working on it, the revealing of myself through faith & courage.
Oh wow. Thank you. That’s been me. Also a recovering good girl.
I grew up hearing about grace and all. I tried to live by the rules, be a good girl, although it wasn’t that easy. I faltered, too, but all in all, I thought I had it all together. And then something happened that made me question all the things I was taught and believed in. I still believe in the God of grace…I’m just not sure I understand completely the depth and width of what He offers. For now, I am standing on the sideline. With all the deep stories I have, I am unsure if I can be that bold to approach His throne of grace. But I’m getting tired of putting up a facade for everyone to see that I still have it together. I long to be free of all the pretense and just bask in the glory of His good grace.
Yes, I am living a surface story…afraid to let anyone past that surface…hiding behind a mask. I long for the depths that can be found in God’s grace, yet am afraid to dive in.
yes, and yes.
I am so glad I stopped in to read this post. I love this quote: “I didn’t know how to experience the limitlessness of love.” That is so true for all of us and answers your question of how we all want to be shine brightly beneath our surface story─and for His love to become transparent through us.
Just beautiful.
Ginger
I need to experience the deep waters of grace! In my case, I often run from the brokeness in my life and the shame it has brought me. Shame causes you to hide and that is what I often do, even from my self. I don’t face it. I distract myself with things and busy-ness. I know I would be free if I would take the dare and face some of my imperfect places. I would really enjoy your book and think that it would help me do just that!!
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?
YES and YES!!!!!!!!!!
“Do you feel invisible, living your surface story?” – When I read Captivating for the first time, that whole concept of feeling unseen hit so close to home! I think feeling invisible, or living your surface story is just another way of saying you feel unseen – or that you’re afraid to be seen. Because if I lived my deeper story, I WOULD be seen – good bad and ugly. And that can be scary…at least with out grace it is.
“Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?” – Yes! ‘Nuff said
Can’t wait to read this book!
I am just starting to explore the deeper waters of grace as a new mama and recovering “good girl”. dying to read your book because I resound deeply with the thoughts you have shared.
Oh yes! No matter how much I do, it is never enough…yet coming to understand that the Lord was, is, and always will be enough, and that is all I need. Would love to read the book, a message to absorb, and then to share. Thank you.
I know exactly what you mean, Emily, because I have often felt the same. Like our stories, as good girls, are somehow less shallow or less meaningful.
I heard once that we ought to look at our stories as good girls differently, and so I try to see mine now as a story of preservation, that what is surrendered to God will be treated with care and kept safe in His impenetrable and omnipotent hands.
Love this. Beautifully written and captivating <3
Yes, I've so felt invisible–who hasn't? And I so long to get lost in those deep waters more and more. I had a dramatic first meeting with Christ that changed the course of my life…but since then, though I was the one who bled brokenness, like your roommate, I've spent years trying to be good enough. I had that exact same sense of it being ok for everybody around me to have messes in their lives, but not for me. It's as though I could accept that first free gift, but thought I now have this standard of perfection to live up to. I'm learning otherwise, becoming more comfortable with honesty in my mess.
Thank you for this.
I’m more real than ever at this age, but I’d still answer yes to both your ?’s. Sounds like I need to read your book!
“We are all party hosts running out of wine, but some of us won’t admit it. Blessed are those who bring their small cups of water to Jesus. He does miracle things with the offering.” I love how God can make something big out of something so small. He can turn our “small” lives into Glorious lives.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? For so long I wanted people to think I always had it together. Now, I want people to know the “real” me that God so loving made.
Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace? yes, yes & yes…
Yes. Because a lot of times I don’t think I really know what God’s grace really means.
A thousand times, yes … I’m a “good girl” who in spite of all my efforts to be careful and be good, was disfellowshipped from a church by slanderous leaders and charged with all measure of false accusations including blasphemy. After a year and a half, I can say it’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I sit now with the marginalized, the abused, the unheard, and the unseen, reminding one another of the holy love of Christ … and it’s so far superior to my life as a “church lady” that they bear no resemblance. Their stories and their attentive ears have shown me that I have a story after all, and that my story and theirs bear beauty that is worth hearing.
I love your statement of “your deeper stories highlighted the fact that I didn’t think I had one.” That is my story. My “simple” lifetime bullying left no bruises. The lack of intervention by my parents wasn’t visible neglect. I was fed and housed, so I couldn’t be abused, could I? The sexual abuse didn’t go as far or persist as long as it does for others. When I was no longer in the bullying environmnet of my home, I took over for the abuser from there, repeating the shame daily in my own head and minimizing my own story and its value to be heard.
I’m ordering your book today Emily and if I happen to win the copy, I will pass it on to a fellow “good girl” who needs to hear ….
My story is very much like yours, so I answer yes to your questions. Beautifully written post!
Yes! I want to learn to let go of what I need to let go of- and not let it bother me.
Invisible… ironically, yes. i’m a pretty “up front” person in my place of service, so if folks knew i said yes to this question, they’d probably laugh… but it’s amazing how unseen you can feel (and actually be) in a crowded room.
Exploring grace… please. i grew up in a conversation where grace was small, and i was the squeaky, shiny good girl you describe early on in your post. but shiny seemed empty, and i tried to get a little grungy. it didn’t wear well on me; i felt like i’d gone from pew-parker to park bench covered with newspapers and i was ashamed. nothing super scandalous, but just enough rebellion to cause my conservative peers to tsk-tsk their way thru conversation with me. i have always believed God’s umbrella of grace is wide and full… i’d like to go swimming in those waters… even when it rains!
I have not been a “Good Girl” always, but I have had a performance based faith. I am truly in love with God for the first time in my life. I praise him for the blogging community and the bareness and vulnerability shared there! Praise our great and perfect Heavenly Father!
Grace…only the kind that comes from HIM…gets me through every day. I long to REALLY know and believe grace. I think it’s a day by day process of trusting and believing that what HE promises is true. CANNOT WAIT to read this book. Thank you Emily for saying what so many of us feel.
This post is so completely me. I cover up my deeper story with a surface story, thinking as a Christian, that I have to look squeaky clean in order for other people to recognize that I love Jesus. My past is more recently coming up and I’m having to deal with it, but I do know now that I have to be real about it, no sugarcoating, no film. It wasn’t always a happy past, but I don’t have to hide it, either.
And, oh how I long to explore the deep waters of grace!
I’ve always envied the “good girls.” I’ve been forgiven much and therefore am one who loves much, and still I wrestle with the question of how much of the deeper story is to share and how much is to leave, covered entirely by the innocent blood of Christ? How much is able to be held up, powerless over me but powerful in testimony to others of the incredible grace that flows down from the Cross? I’m glad you shared this post today, because I’ve been really hashing these ideas out with myself over the past year, and it’s encouraging to hear so much truth shared so transparently.
I followed the rules.
I colored in the lines.
I waited on the bench.
I played it safe.
That’s MY story!! YES and YES to your questions.
What’s so crazy about the deeper story, is that I am one of those girls that has a deep and cutting to the bone story of survival. I am one of those girls that in college didn’t wait on the bench, or follow the rules. I was a bad girl. I always envied those girls who didn’t have a scarred past, and didn’t have darkness in their story. I felt lost and alone. But when it all comes down to it….don’t we all feel that way, whether our story is riddled with hurt and shame and guilt, or spent staying in the lines. I feel like I could sit with you, talk about life, babies, loves, marriages, friends, and not realize that 3 hours just went by.
I don’t know why this one brought tears to my eyes. I guess my heart was hearing your heart. Like complimentary notes on the piano, that quietly chime in when the primary key is struck. My heart quietly chimes in with you. So, when did you live at my house and see all of this? (laughing)
You are writing so much, do you ever get to read? I’d love to send you a copy of my book, if you have time to work it in.
I feel like I just read about me……
I can’t tell you the times the tears have welled and I don’t even know why. It’s a deep need, a wound of the soul–this desire to live in deep waters of grace. This story needs told–the way we skim the surface. A big thank you to Emily for telling it. I already have a copy of the book, so don’t worry about entering me in the drawing. I’m still thinking about my deeper story.
Yes, in all the crashing waves of responsibility…transporting my oldest to college, homeschooling my younger two, teaching at our local co-op, keeping our home running, supporting my hubby, helping my cancer-fighting momma, leading at church and trying to be a friend to all..I feel some days like I am invisible-that in all the service I have lost touch with my intimacy with Christ. So, no wonder I am running out of “me”! Yes, I need to do a belly-smacker into the ocean of grace…!!! Someone give me a push..and then may I invite everyone around me into that same vastness of His grace! Blessings
I am definitely another that is prone to hiding behind performance. I wouldn’t say that I feel invisible, but I DO feel like I’m going to crumble from the pressure time and time again! I fear that if I’m myself, and all of my messy details are revealed, then people will judge me, reject me, and think less of me. I want to fear the Lord more than I fear man! I so badly desire to know my deep identity in Christ – I definitely DO long to explore the the deep waters of grace – to know that being His daughter is enough and to feel His freedom to be myself!
This was me for a majority of my life. I was the quintessential good girl. I remember going on a mission trip when I was 17 and having to write my testimony. I remember thinking, I have no testimony…while being surrounded by people who had experienced so much tragedy and pain. I failed to realize that I had my deeper story…my scars and pain buried so deep below the surface I didn’t even know they were there. Well, I’m sure I knew but I didn’t want to admit it. The thing with being the good girl- we have pain, but our pain is so deep and personal and intimate. I’ve made bad choices for sure and made mistakes I regret but finding healing and restoration from those was simple compared to the deep brokenness I denied for so long. I want(ed) to have it all together, but the irony is that the harder I try to keep up the facade, the more painful it becomes to admit my deeper story. I long for it to be known and for me to still be loved. For someone to look past the hurt I’ve experienced and covered up and see who I am apart from it. But that longing only takes me so far…I have to come to a place where my deeper story isn’t a cause of shame but an opportunity for healing and for God to show His power in my weakness. It’s a process…a long, painful process and I’m only just beginning the journey.
Invisible? Yes, absolutely.
I spent my entire childhood/adolescence being mocked whenever I’d be anything other than perfect. I have huge walls.
I feel like I no longer know how to explore living in grace.
Invisible? I have been a stay at home mother for 18 years, I no longer know who I was or who I am supposed to be. I was always performing for someone or for a standard. I know GRACE exists but what in my world should it look like? Inadequacy goes hand in hand with all of this.
I have always struggled with feeling invisible and overlooked. Somehow, I have the illusion that the surface is a much safer place compared to delving into the deep, hidden places of my heart. I long to live of a life of authenticity and to really be known. Perhaps being open to receiving God’s grace is a good place to start?
“I lived hiding behind the shaky curtain of performance. It was an exhausting place to live.” Yep. It was only after I read TrueFaced that I realized that I was living to please God, not living to trust God. I have always depended on my goodness to make me acceptable, whether to God or the ones around me.
I would LOVE to win a copy of Emily’s book!
I do feel invisible most of the times. There is part of me that is okay with that, but there is another side that would love to be noticed–but only for doing good things, right things. . .
Wouldn’t it be wonderful to truly apprciate this Grace shown to us?
I am so ready to plunge deeper into the grace that I know god intends for us. In fact, I waited so long to move forward into it on my own, that I got sick from being stuck. And now, breast cancer is kicking open the door and pleading with me to plunge in… and I am ever so ready, as it truly is the only way.
Makes my heart ache to think of the shallow veneer. I want to live fully in grace. FULLY, as in whole and unafraid and bold and safe.
Here’s hoping I get picked to receive a book….
but if not, God speaks, and He pursues.
I grew up much like you Emily & spent so much time trying to be good & then trying to cover up anything that wasn’t actually good.
It gets old & tiring to hang on to something that’s not natural. Now I’m me & I love grace.
I read Emily’s story and believe it could be mine!! I’ve been the good girl who was never good enough! Here’s a bit of my story – http://titus24u.blogspot.com/2011/03/who-am-i-good-girl-whos-not-good-enough.html
Thanks for the give-away!! Jill
I never try(ed) to be perfect. I think that is what bothers me so much. I live in the mediocre. It’s embarrassing, actually. I’m not type A, I’m not a perfectionist; so I even though I’m not trying to be bad, I’m not trying to be good either. And I’ve yet to meet someone else like me–almost all “good girls” are perfectionists. Isn’t anyone else out there just plain ordinary?
And I know there is grace for the ordinary girl too.
Yes, I feel invisible. I have played it safe in the shallow waters, afraid of what I would find – and what others might not accept – in the deeper waters.
Do you long to explore the deep waters of grace?
Wanting to dive in!
I definitely can relate…yes!!!
Invisible – many days. Exploring the deeper waters of grace – feel like I am doggy paddling through the experience most days.
Invisibility and performance are so inextricably and cruelly linked. Often I still feel that someone is finally going to catch on to me. Someone is really going to expose me for the fraud that I am show the world that this tight rope balancing act that I put on is really just a sham. And then I realize that there are those people who do know me. Who do see through the smiles and the cheer to a woman who has been broken, has been hurt, but also has been embraced, accepted and comforted. And then there is He who knows it all – who knows so much more than I do. I do fiercely desire to accept his grace and to allow it to work in and through me.
Yes — it’s been a long road of performance-based religion for me, with only recent realizations and a beginning understanding of unconditional love. I would love reading your book, I’m sure.
I used to be just like you, Emily, in a sense. My life hasn’t been perfect or even easy and without heartbreak. It has. But my story compared to others made me doubt I had a testimony. It took me a while to realize that by believing this lie I was dumbing down the Saving Power of JESUS CHRIST! I felt like He didn’t save me from anything because I didn’t go through anything. Now, I know THAT’S A LIE. I am a sinner. I constantly sin. I also have been saved by grace. & for a future and a hope. By Christ Jesus. I needed a savior and I hope that I delve head first into the deep waters of GRACE. =)
“Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?” Oh, yes, I do long to explore – but I don’t always feel I can do so safely. Being rejected by fellow believers recently has caused a great deal of caution and pessimism – which is why I am so glad I found Deeper Story. I stumbled upon it during a time in my life when I so needed to see there were others out there willing to ask the hard questions. Thank you for being willing to do so.
Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Yes, most days
Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace? Yes and Yes!
I’ve lived most of my life perfectly happy with my “good girl” status, looking down on others, feeling like I had been given something special spiritually to have been able to do things “right”. God in his grace has not left me there though…in the last couple years things have happened and I am being broken. The glass has been shattered and as I’m picking up the pieces I’m finding grace…and I realize that I’d never known it at all. I am undone by its beauty and am in awe that the Lord continues to give it to me…even in my pride and self sufficiency.
I do long to explore the deep waters of grace. I feel like this post was about me.
‘Do you feel invisible, living your surface story? Do you long to explore the the deep waters of grace?’
oh yes.
very invisible. very surface sometimes.
desperate to let the deep waters rush over me and sweep me into Grace’s perfect embrace.
Yes! Yes! Thanks for the opportunity!
yes, yes, yes. i feel like i always knew where i fit in and what i believed in and now i just don’t know where i fit in or what i believe. i am finding my way…i am trying and looking for answers.
Yes yes yes! I am so the same…feeling as though it is totally okay for others to have a deeper story but heaven forbid that I do because I’m the one who has it all together….such an awful place to live
I know that the contest is long over, but the question prompted something in my heart and I really didn’t know where to answer it. I am so tired of living this surface story, but sometimes when I am in the deep, I feel the water wash over me and my toes pointed barely skim the ground and I reach and I reach and I can’t find the edge and I panic. So I try to live this surface life again, but it never feels right, I want to dig deeper, to know Him more and so again I let go of the side and dealve deeper than my brain would want my heart to go and I cry more tears that I have and I wonder if it will always feel like this. This gasping. But I feel my heart swell and I know He is with me and I realize I have more tears, of joy this time. Of knowing that I am getting that much closer to him.
Absolutely! I always thought I had a boring testimony… and that it was my role in life to be the good girl. I’m just now realizing that the depth of God’s grace is for me, too.
I’ve been the good girl. Didn’t have a huge “God saved me from” story. Yet, stuff happens to good girls that they don’t have any control over. I still feel invisible, often. Like I’m not noticed for the deeper part of me though the stuff that has happened forced me to wade into the waters of Grace. And I’ll go deeper still.
Most definitely, YES! I’m currently reading your book and can’t believe how similar we are/were! I am a good girl and am struggling with coming out from the hiding of the masks. I so want to experience God’s grace, because I am a sinner, just like everyone else! Would love to read your new book!
I wanted to be visible, but at the same time I felt so afraid to just be visible. It feels safer to be invisible, to hide behind the rules and regulations and norms. safer. I long for the deeper, more intimate faith. but I’m afraid, afraid to be in deep water. Afraid of the strain, the feeling of being overwhelmed, being drowned. But recently, I have been realising the power of God’s grace. it’s like He’s whispering into my ears: It’s okay my dear girl. you don’t have to work hard to man’s acceptance because I love you. It’s been amazing, and I know, it is only through Him, in Him, with Him that I can draw deeper, come closer. it is by His grace that I can enjoy this grace and learn more about this grace. He is amazing. He is love. (: