And so here I am.
Again.
Fingernails scratching at the dirt, clawing it up, a blend of tears and fury blinding me as I dig. It’s not hard work, actually, for the soil is loose in the way that dirt that has been freshly dug tends to be.
Knees in dirt.
Tears in eyes.
I plunge my hands in and tug hard several times to pull her up from the earthy grave.
Like an American Doll favors the little girl to whom it is given, she reflects my own likeness back to me. Traces of the good Creator are somewhere deep inside, lost long ago.
I’m angry or furious or sad or hurt and the Creature fills my ears with all that I long to hear. Her lips hiss one long string of profanity, and dirt falls from her eyelashes as her face grows more and more contorted. She speaks words bitter and adulterous and selfish and spiteful. The throbbing pain my chest ceases and her familiar voice pushes out the pain.
And I’m sitting there, grateful for the numbness that holding her brings, when my Father puts His hand on my back. It startles me. He sits down beside me and I flinch knowing He’s dirtying Himself in my mess.
Again.
In His hand, He holds a mirror but I don’t want to look, knowing how gnarly dirt-stained stringy-haired wrecked I must be. But I can’t resist a peek, and what I see there is lovely, restored, redeemed Me.
Me, speaking of gospel truth.
Me, shining bright the glory of Christ.
Me, dressed in robes of fresh white snow.
Me, as my Father sees me.
With a voice thick with compassion, He reminds me that this – THIS – is me. Old things passed away, His eyes cut to the Creature in my lap. All things become new.
A new creation.
Together, we put the Old Creature back in the ground.
Again.
We kick dirt over her face and stomp down the grave. He leads me gently away, arm over shoulder, matching my limping pace footstep by footstep.
* * * * *
Wouldn’t it be neat if I wrote in old-school Hollywood script: The End and the credits rolled past right now? Wouldn’t it be tidy to end with a final shot of that grave covered in grass and flowers, the dirt never to be disturbed again?
But that’s not the end because oh. Oh, how many times has that scene played out? When I’m hurting, when I’m angry, when I’m desperate, why do I keep trying to resurrect my old self instead of living into the Resurrection Life of the believer?
I think it’s because deep, deep down, I love her. I love my old self Creature.
And I hate that.
I hate the way her words justify my sin. I hate the way it feels like second skin when I press her close to my heart. I hate how comforting, how familiar she is. I hate that part of me can’t just leave her in the ground because there is that lingering love for her.
* * * * *
It’s been nearly thirty years – almost three decades, y’all – since I walked the aisle and prayed the prayer and asked Jesus to come and live in my heart. Almost thirty years since the baptism waters rushed over me, cool and real, and my pastor spoke these words: Buried with Him in baptism, raised to walk in newness of life.
A new year.
A new creature.
Newness of life.
May it be for me this year, Lord.
photo by Abulic Monkey
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Such an eloquent cry for release from the “old man.” This really woke me up and focused my eyes on God today. Thanks for that!
Release from the old man. Exactly. It’s my prayer for the year to come. Thanks for hearing my heart this morning, Renee!
i like you writing here, megan. this is good and hard and lovely and all too familiar. we are that Easter people. when i pray to live into resurrection truth, i’ll lift you up, too. xo
Your prayers, they mean so much. I need them so desperately. Thank you, sweet friend.
i can relate so much.
i have a thought. i’ve been meditating on some miracle words that just might minister to you, too. in the land of the darkness of death, a light has shined, shining all the way into the heart of a little girl who “was not dead, only sleeping.” and God took her by the hand and said, “little girl, arise.” i wrote those words on my blog yesterday. and the key, i think, is to arise and be transformed {by the renewing of our mind / work of the Spirit}. so maybe, instead of endlessly stuffing her back into the grave, let her arise and become renewed.
Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into friend.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
and it is love who can transform the old creature.
Oh! SUCH TRUTH! Thank you so much for speaking this truth back to me this morning. Incredible, powerful insight. Thank you, thank you.
Hi, this speaks to me in several ways and I thank you for the reminder that I can let the junk go! It’s gone now….forgotten, forgiven and free… Thank You!!! Happy New Year. Don’t let the devil win the battle in your head!
Forgiven, forgotten, free. Amen.
I think this is something I struggle with constantly. For me, it goes back to my not “taking my thoughts captive” like 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 talks about. It’s easier to believe the lies and that the old me is still hanging on. It takes work to take your thoughts captive…and sometimes I’m lazy.
It really is easier to believe the lies, and when I am in a place where I’m feeling exhausted with defeat or hurt or something else that has me worn thin, it’s so easy to go into default mode. Thanks for the reminder from Paul and taking thoughts captive. Powerful response to the allure of the old self!
This is one of the best posts I’ve read recently. Maybe it’s because I relate deep down in the reality of myself, well my reality not Papa’s. You expressed it having been 3 decades since you prayed the prayer. Well, it was 3 decades for me to spend in the world, shunning all that looked, tasted, or smelled like Christianity after praying the prayer as a little girl and then realizing, in all the legalistic, fundamental, dysfunctional yuck that was around me, that I didn’t, wouldn’t, nor could I ever meet His expectations. On top of it all, He was going to leave me anyway, so I might as well leave Him first. So, I did. Late 2007 the crisis of all crisies hit my heart and I laid it all out on Him and He’s been faithful, true and abundant in mercy and grace towards me ever since.
And yet…..the new creation still has misconceptions and lies and ugliness that I don’t understand. My heart and mind goes right back to the law and harshness of disappointment. That’s all I’ll ever be you know…..a real disappointment. Me, the stubborn, rebellious, no followin’ girl who walks to the beat of a different drummer.
And yet….Jesus comes to me, and like you, rests His Hand on my shoulder and tells me that all those things about me can be redeemed for His purpose, for His glory. That He has something to tell the world that only I could do in the uniqueness of the way He created me and I sigh…….ahhh! Feeling refreshed and comforted and loved wholly, even in my quirks and flaws. Jesus is just so stinkin’ AWESOME.
And yet….I wonder if I’m getting it all wrong because I am defiant and rebel and have been told those things so many times in my life I couldn’t possibly get His voice correctly. The thought of turning into a leagalistic, harsh, hard and critical woman of God makes me want to turn and run, much like I did 30 years ago. The thought of being redeemed wholly for His purposes and His glory makes me giddy and full of a new energy I can’t desribe in words.
It’s my cycle. And this morning, as I read your words Megan, I was glad it’s not JUST my cycle, but others struggle with it too.
Thank you!
Be blessed my friend <3
And this… dear friend… is why I love you SO much!
What a powerful, honest response, sister. Thanks for helping me to know I’m not alone in the cycle and I am certainly not alone in receiving His mercy and grace. Blessed be He.
This is absolutely beautiful and it feels like you’ve been hearing my thoughts exactly these past few weeks! LOVED reading this!
Thanks for your gracious response, Tara.
Oh, my. Yes.
(Also? Dang, girl.)
Back at ya on the dang, girl. XO
“this is a new year, this is a new day to rise, shine, lift up your eyes…and point the way to God’s great life…”
charlie hall’s lyrics have been running through my head since yesterday. reading this today has been such an encouragement to rise out of the funk i fallen into from constantly returning to the same negative thoughts.
thank you for your vulnerability, megan. love you!
Love that. Feeling so thankful for mercies new every morning and for the persistent offering of a fresh start from our Father.
Great, awesome reminder of His redeeming Love. And the age-old, life-long struggle between our flesh and His spirit. Thank you for sharing.
It is age-old, the struggle. I wish it weren’t life-long, although it certainly forces me to stay tethered to the One who creates and re-creates daily!
Oh, how I’m right there with you on this! Thank you for putting together the words.
Thank you for being with me in this, Brianne. Thank you for helping shape a safe place to speak this struggle!
this is pretty much exactly what i needed to read today. thx. lately i’ve been in a gross vicious cycle of sin that i feel like i can’t even control sometimes. making changes. hope they stick. it’s just good to read that other people go through it too again and again, even when they think they’ve got it right this time. thank the Lawd for grace.
Grace, grace, God’s grace. I know the cycle is out of my control … I need more of Him and so much less of me!
“why do I keep trying to resurrect my old self instead of living into the Resurrection Life of the believer? I think it’s because deep, deep down, I love her. I love my old self Creature. And I hate that.”
This, right there. I wish I didn’t relate to this so well! It is far too easy to fall in to old patterns. I realized a few years back that I was more comfortable expecting the worse than hoping for the best. I’ve been fighting it ever since. And yet, I don’t fight it alone, thanks be to God.
That’s the thing I hate so much, too, is that I just keep choosing the comfortable. Oh, how I wish choosing to embody my new self was the comfortable choice. Oh, Lord! May it be ever more comfortable for us both!
You have beautifully articulated a wide-spread wrestling, Megan. And as we all wrestle together? There is Illumination as we share our processes. Here’s mine, friend. http://www.the-lifeartist.com/2011/09/13/life-lately-3/ Thank-you for yours.
Love,
Erika
P.S. Just the top half of that post.
Oh. OH! Erika. SUCH piercing beauty. I feel more alive and more known having read your words. And that passage from Manning’s book “In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve.” Such kindred to our wrestling. Thank you, dear sister, for sharing the vulnerable with me. Such a tender gift.
Beautiful, and far too relatable!
It is such grace to have some gather around and say that their knees are mud-stained, too. Thank you for being one, Cathy.
How inspiring. Thank you for writing and sharing what God has obviously sweetly spoken to you.
So humbling to be received with such warmth. Thank you, Elena.
Amen! I don’t know the number of times I lay my cares at the foot of the cross then snatch them back as if I were God. But God always comforts me, even when I fall….
Praise His Name! Thankful every day for His comforts and His long-suffering. The extent of His love … may we never lose the wonder of it all.
Metanoia – turning – repentance – conversion – it’s not a once and forever thing, is it? It’s a continual turning, and re-turning toward the light. And I don’t think it’s supposed to be easy – it’s supposed to be good. And most good things take time and attention and commitment. But, oh, sometimes it’s so dang tough! Thanks for these beautiful reflections, Megan, and for your vulnerability in them.
It’s continual. It’s process, not product. It’s in the re-turning that we catch fresh glimpses of Him, know His mercies new again. Even so, I long for the final restoration when we will be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. Thank you, Diana, for lifting me with your reminder today!
You’ve done it again, Megan. Such a skillfully-wrought message, and one I needed to read today. Thank you!
You are too kind. It’s hard to share such struggle. Thank you for making it a bit easier with your gracious response.
Megan, this is beautiful. And that picture is grossly captivating.
Isn’t that picture so creepy? And also, far too perfectly capturing the struggle?
beautiful. simply beautiful.
Thank you so much, April.
Wow! Your post is hauntingly captivating, Megan. It spoke volumes to me and likely all of us.
The most comforting thing in sharing this is hearing so many say they can relate. May it be newness of life for ALL of us in the year to come. (and the year after and the year after and the year after)
Wow! Your picture captured and horrified me and I was bound to read your post to understand why you used that photo! Words just don’t seem to come clearly right now to express what I am thinking . . . what am I thinking? Somehow my sleep deprived brain can not quite find my thoughts clearly in the fog.
Thank you for the reminder that as I struggle against the flesh in my growth in Christ, that I am not the only one who struggles, or maybe even wishes not to grow at times. The moments when I surrender to my sinful self and let the wickedness of my sin come out are such shameful times. Then I feel God’s pull back to Himself and run for forgiveness and know the calmness of his love and grace. Praise the Lord we are new creatures in Him, may we leave the old creatures buried.
Looking forward to the day when we shall never dig our old selves out of the dirt for we will be holy new in Christ in Glory!
My eyes are pouring. I stumbled here, read this piece and am now soaking in the confirmation of grace that Jesus showers me (us) with…but that I keep forgetting about. Thank you.
it breaks my heart to read this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been lifted out of the quagmire only to seek it out again and again and again.
And from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace. John 1:16
Grace upon grace upon grace upon grace.
Lift up your eyes and see. See His image, His likeness mirrored back. May it be all the more evident as the days go by.
grace upon grace.
Grace upon grace.