I have practiced cynicism, like a pianist practices scales, over and over. I have practiced being defensive – about my choices and my mothering, my theology and my politics – until I was on the offense. I performed, with repetition, outrage and anger, the victim of someone else’s god, I jumped, Pavlovian, to right every wrong and defend every truth, refute every blog post, pontificate to every question. I called it critical thinking to hide my bitter and critical heart, and I wondered why I had no real joy.
It didn’t take long for my proficiency in cynicism to become obvious to others. My aptitude didn’t take a lot of work, I’ll be honest, it seemed to come rather naturally to me, maybe I was a prodigy. I practiced poking holes, deflating arguments, identifying the pill in all of the jam. My response to it all was, “yeah, but…” and I set up my piano on the border between Funny and Mean, playing sarcastic scales in the name of wit, you might be surprised by how much snark you can fit into 140 characters. And over and over and over again, I practiced and practiced, but no one liked to hear me play.
Give me just a moment here, follow me outside. I’m done with this grand piano, with this glossy stage. I’m done with the concert proficiency at Being Right, I’m ready to be Beloved instead. Here, now, let’s head for the Canadian wilderness together, I’ve got just the spot in mind, and wouldn’t you know it, out here, in the sunshine, there’s a battered old thrift store piano, just for me.
Look at me, clumsy, and learning to practice goodness and truth, like scales all over again, it’s like I’m born again. I want to practice gentleness and beauty, over and over again, until my fingers find the keys without thought. I am performing the bare basics, once more and then one more time and then again, boldness, discipline, silence, prayer, community, again and again.
I want to practice faithfulness, and practice kindness, I want to fill my ears with the repetitions of wide-eyes and open hands, and innocent fun, holy laughter. I want to practice, with intention, joy. I won’t desecrate beauty with cynicism any more, I won’t confuse critical thinking with a critical spirit, and I will practice, painfully, over and over, patience and peace until my gentle answers turn away even my own wrath. I will check the notes, ask for help, and I’ll relax my shoulders, straighten my spine, and breathe fresh air while I learn, all over again, the gift of grace freely given and wisdom honoured, and healing, and when my fingers fumble, when I sound flat or sharp, I’ll simply try again.
I’ll practice the ways of Jesus, over and over, until the scales fall from my eyes, and my ears begin to hear, and soon, my fingers will be flying over the keys, in old hymns and new songs, and on that day, when I look up, I bet there will be a field full of people dancing, beside the water, whirling, stomping their feet and laughing, and babies will be bouncing, and I’ll be singing and singing and singing the song I was always and ever meant to sing, the rocks will be crying out, and the trees will be clapping their hands, and the banquet table will be groaning with the weight of apples and wine and bread, and we’ll sing until the stars come down.
Thank you. I feel like this was just for me.
My heart is singing with you..
” I won’t desecrate beauty with cynicism any more, I won’t confuse critical thinking with a critical spirit”
This hit me today as conviction from the Holy Spirit. Ouch – and thank you!
I feel it, often, still, too.
truth and beauty here, as always. what a glory-filled way to start my monday!
Pierces my heart.
Thank you for your words. The way you see the world helps me re-see my own.
Beautiful prose, Sarah!
So good! Thanks for the post. I appreciate your honest approach. Two days ago, I read this in Brian McLaren’s new book on faith dialogue:
“If we judge, shame and reject….whether on the left or right or somewhere in between, if we paint them as the enemy and develop an identity in opposition to or hostile toward them, we lock them in a defensive posture. And we lock ourselves into mirroring the very behavior we condemn. I’m convinced that the only viable response to religious hostility is love, empathy, compassion, understanding—not more hostility.”
I have found myself on many occasions being frustrated with my own hostility toward those I perceived to be hostile. Thanks for the reminder to look inward and be willing to make changes!
“we lock them in a defensive posture. And we lock ourselves into mirroring the very behavior we condemn”
Mike, I’ve found this to be true, as well. On the up-side, we can choose to create an environment of beauty and grace, and in the process free ourselves.
I am taking that less travelled road too. Thank you for some accompanying music to inspire me as I go.
Sarah, this sentence: “I won’t desecrate beauty with cynicism any more, I won’t confuse critical thinking with a critical spirit, and I will practice, painfully, over and over, patience and peace until my gentle answers turn away even my own wrath.” THIS is profound. Beautiful.
This was truly beautiful. I can relate to this post more than I want to admit. Thank you so much for sharing.
Sarah, I’ve been following your blog for some time, now, and have been amazed at your writing. This stuns. Yes,yes,yes. Must share. xo
Oh, I have known these scales, too. And how they blind.
Thank you for practicing truth, here. A sword that pierces my own heart, never swinging it at others, lest it cut off the grace that saves.
So good! Thank you for sharing (; I’ve started teaching my kids how to have theory own alone time with God. I’ve been using the word practice with them alot….trying to grant them permission to make mistakes and move on. But for me….i guess i feel like i should have it all together…but i don’t yet. Im still learning new things…how to be gentle with my kids even when im frustrated, how to love the church again, how to let people into my life instead of keeping my guard up all the time…how not to be cynical amore; Thank you for the reminder that there is grace for me to learn new things too…to practice, freedom to make a mistake and strength to keep going! Id love to join you in the field dancing and singing …thanks for making music!
*deep sigh*
Standing and applauding over here! I have had to quiet my twitter feed of all the loud and shouty and disagreeing, and like you I long for a battered piano and just that old hymn of Amazing Grace.
The mirror created by your words showed my own reflection.
Perfectly said …me too.
This sounds so freeing to my soul…..
The other day, when I read the scripture about practicing righteousness, (1 John 2:29) I circled the word practice and knew there was a sermon in that.
I heard it today.
Thank you.
I’ll practice and sing with you, friend.
Gorgeous!
THIS is beautiful. Lovely. Feminine. Christ-centered. I love it.
Loved this, Sarah. Cynicism dies hard, and does indeed require practice putting it off…and renewing our mind. Thank you for this reminder.
I used to surround myself with “nobut” and “yabut” people. Heck, I used to be (and still catch myself being) one of them. I felt torn down and torn apart. It drained me both to listen and to pontificate with that as a preamble to a paragraph of thought.
“YES!! … And” people build us up and nourish our strengths. Their words bring smiles.
Thank you for being one of the rare “YES!! … and” voices in the blogosphere, Sarah. The energy we used to waste defending and trying to build up what was torn down (or to tear down what others held dearly) can now be used to sing and to dance instead.
Together.
Yes!! You make us smile. And images you so skillfully paint with words fill us with joy.
I think the hardest part about learning new scales is how our mind and body have so memorized the others, that we easily slip back into the old music. Prayers that we can all create new muscle memory.
“I won’t confuse critical thinking with a critical spirit, and I will practice, painfully, over and over, patience and peace until my gentle answers turn away even my own wrath.”
I love this line because we need critical thinking. So many people give it up in the name of kindness or peacekeeping. But you my friend, know the value of critical thinking, of using our intellect, but to marry it with patience and peace – what a dialogue that will be.
This is beautiful, timely, convicting, perfect. Thank you, Sarah.
Oh, please, YES. This is what is needed in the world today – glorious-up-and-down-the-keyboard practicing of the gifts of the Spirit, the fruit of abiding, the beauty of Jesus. Can I sing with you, out there in the wilderness, until the stars come down and dance with us? Pretty please?
Quit writing posts about me!
Your words are divine Sarah. I want to practice the ways of Jesus too, until the scales fall off and I’m playing by ear to the tune of my heart that beats for Him.
Ouch…and a contrite, “amen.”
The heart of it all: “ while I learn, all over again, the gift of grace freely given.” Thanks, Sarah, for insight and courage to be shaped by God and His Word.
Thanking God for you and your beautiful words today. I also want to practice this simple song of Grace with you! And not despair when I fail, which I often do, but simply go back to the instrument and begin practicing again. I’m going to print this out so I can read it again and again.
Sarah, This is beautiful. I was a prodigy, too, but now I’m learning to play all over again like a child.
I absolutely need to practice grace over self-righteousness more. Amen.
The choosing to practice beauty is discipline in place of cynicism. Beauty in gentleness doesn’t always get the bigger scene…at first. I want to be marked by humility, self-control, joy, love spilling off the tree of life.
oh, sarah, this is a cup of cool water. thank you.
Your prose makes me swoon…I so resonated with each and every work…this is my story too, and I needed to hear your perspective – I practice the piano literally as well, when I do so I will remember Jesus and faithfulness – yes, thank you!!
I’m thinking back to days when I could rise up to the entirety of my 5’11″ frame, taking a stand for the positions I held most dearly, and argue my opponents into a corner. I think I excused myself by believing I was contending for the purity of the faith which was once and for all delivered to the saints. I think it’s important to worship God as he has revealed himself to us, and not in the way I imagine him to be. But as I’ve grown older and tasted more of his grace, I’m beginning to believe that stuff he said about “If I have not love.” Clanging gong, noisy cymbal–all of that.
Faith expressing itself through love–the only thing that counts.
Thank you for being God’s agent of Grace in my life at this moment. It’s all about practice, isn’t it.
Yes and amen!!!
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I’ve had to take a break from writing to stop the cynicism, criticism, snark, outrage and anger. You’ve given me courage to start again, in a gentle, loving, joyfilled voice.
Selah.
Great post…especially in an age where practiced cynicism and the forced attempt to plug everything in the “ironic” box to sound hip seems all consuming. Quite the breath of fresh air. Nice one.
You amaze me with your writing! That last paragraph just filled me with joy and longing. Oh how I want to find the song that I was always meant to sing.
This was absolutely beautiful! I will be practicing with you.
Have you read a rather old book, but still valuable — _Christ and Culture_ by H. Richard Niebuhr — a brother to the better know Reinhold Niebuhr. HRN taught at Yale and his book can stand the test of time.
Recommend that you search out an old book _Christ and Culture_ by H. Richard Niebuhr — brother to the better known Reinhold Niebuhr. HRN taught to Yale. His book can stand the test of time.
… and that’s why I return, time and again, to read your words, to hear your heart.
There’s enough shouting, attitude problems, and strident voices out there. I say ‘no thank you’ to them. And ‘yes, please’ to more deep, thought-filled words of wise grace.
This is truly lovely… all that beauty fit so lovely in this post. Thank you for each word… It paints such a beautiful picture… weaves such a beautiful tapestry of where God wants to lead all of us.
And…” I “bet” there “will” be a field full of people dancing, beside the water, whirling, stomping their feet and laughing, and babies will be bouncing, and I’ll be singing and singing and singing the song I was always and ever meant to sing, the rocks will be crying out, and the trees will be clapping their hands, and the banquet table will be groaning with the weight of apples and wine and bread, and we’ll sing until the stars come down.
I want to be there to see it and dance it and sing it!
blessings Sarah!
always be refreshed in Him
“I won’t desecrate beauty with cynicism any more, I won’t confuse critical thinking with a critical spirit, and I will practice, painfully, over and over, patience and peace until my gentle answers turn away even my own wrath.” This is so hard and so true. So elequoent in your delivery. Looking forward to that big dance party one day!
I’m all choked up. Please keep living in my head, always. Ok? xoxo
This post is stunning!
Years ago, God spoke to me so clearly- it truly changed my life. During a time of difficulty while living with 20ish sons making foolish choices, I was “righteously” angry all the time. Then God whispered- “I didn’t call you to be right, I called you to love” It took the fight out of me and a such a change happened in all our lives.
Your post expressed this same message in such a lovely way .
and your words sat with me, stewed and marinated for these days, and prompted this response last night …
What We Battle With
http://creeksideministries.blogspot.com/2012/09/what-we-battle-with.html
Just found you at the end of a post Ann Voskamp wrote today. Your writing is beautiful and profound!
Sarah, I think this is the most profound thing – so needed – so nourishing. Just thank you.
“I won’t confuse critical thinking with a critical spirit, and I will practice, painfully, over and over, patience and peace until my gentle answers turn away even my own wrath. I will check the notes, ask for help, and I’ll relax my shoulders, straighten my spine, and breathe fresh air while I learn, all over again, the gift of grace”
Yes! Yes! I love this.
I must practice:-)
Oh my heavens. I was holding my breath the entire time and didn’t even realize it. I have said the very same thing, only a different way–how clumsy I am trying to learn this thing called grace. Girl, you can write. So honored to read you–found this over at Ann’s…
And this is me. I’m glad I’m not alone. Where does this stem from? Where? This gives me a clearer picture of who I have grown to be and that there is hope, a way out.