I hesitated to post this here. After all, it is considered heretical in many circles. But more than anything else, this is my deeper story. It is how I fell into grace as a parent, and my whole life was forever changed.
I grew up in the the fishbowl that comes with being the daughter, granddaughter and daughter in law of pastors. I was steeped in the teachings of Elisabeth Elliot, Charles Finney, Bill Gothard and others who focus on holiness (legalism?), and with my own personality all of this meshed into perfectionism. Romans 6 was carved into my heart. Romans 8? Maybe not quite as much. I believed in grace, of course, but a secret, unacknowledged part of me saw it as Jesus buying time for me to work on myself instead of a true transformation. This affected all of my relationships, and it is no surprise that it affected my outlook as a parent, too.
I wanted to Get It Right. So I spent much of my first pregnancy consumed with all kinds of parenting material trying to learn all I could. After reading an article about discipline, I made an offhand comment to my husband about spanking. He immediately replied that he would never spank our kids. I looked at him in consternation. “What?! Are you trying to make me the bad guy? Oh, no. Discipline is something that both of us need to do.” He steadily answered that discipline and spanking were not the same thing.
Huh? He was the most dedicated Christian I had ever met. Hadn’t he read Proverbs? How could he say he wouldn’t spank? The Bible commanded it!
The Holy Spirit began to stir in my heart. Like Jacob and the angel, I couldn’t let go of this topic. I wrestled and wrestled until I received a blessing that I could never have anticipated. I searched the Bible, starting with those Proverbs passages that seemed so obvious. To my shock, the Hebrew reads very differently. The word for son or child used there is na’ar, which refers to a young man who is in the process of shaking off childhood and entering adulthood. According to Hebrew, spanking probably would not even begin until the teens! There were other differences, as well. Rather than referring to spanking, the Hebrew version of Proverbs simply showed the image of a rod/scepter as the importance of parental authority as a constant presence in a child’s life.
As I looked for all the standard Christian guidelines, I was stunned at what I did and didn’t find. Things like the Christian Spanking Prime Directive “don’t spank in anger”. It isn’t anywhere in Proverbs or the rest of the Bible. In fact, Proverbs insists that you discipline promptly rather than taking a moment to cool off. It turns out that the whole “spanking in love, not in anger” idea seems to have originated from the Spencer Spanking Plan–a guide for erotic spankings in marriage! (For that matter, the line “spare the rod and spoil the child” also comes from a reference to adult erotic spankings in Hudibras, by Samuel Butler). That was certainly not a healthy basis for a relationship with my children!
Discovering that the Bible does not actually command spankings meant that I needed to rethink this whole idea of discipline. I pondered how God disciplines me. It broke my heart in the very best way as I reviewed my life and saw that over and over God has disciplined me with kindness and grace. He isn’t a Greek or Roman god, blasting me (spanking me) with lightning bolts when I displease Him. He disciplines us just as Jesus disciplined His disciples. It was never about punishment, but about showing who He really is–teaching so patiently, washing our feet, forgiving us and covering us with mercy and grace. It is His kindness that leads us to repentance, not His punishment. Even when my stubbornness resulted in unpleasant consequences, it was kind of like gravity: jumping off a roof may result in a broken leg, but it isn’t God breaking my leg to make me feel bad. In His discipline, He never adds pain to make me feel worse.
The whole history of the law shows that punishment is powerless to change our hearts. God makes it clear so many times in the Bible that He cares about relationship and our hearts, not just the outward actions. Isn’t that the main issue with the Pharisees? Spanking may teach our children to have acceptable outward behavior to avoid pain and humiliation, but it does nothing to motivate love and genuine care for others–just self-centeredness. It shifts the focus from how our actions affect others to what we can get away with.
Over and over, I saw that what the Bible really teaches about parenting is a picture of grace, love, peace and self-control. “Parents, do not provoke your children to anger.” “You who are spiritual, correct gently.” “Love is patient, love is kind.” “Do not repay evil for evil, but blessing instead.” “Whatever you do to the smallest of these, you have done to Me.” “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.” “See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven. “ “Be slow to anger.” Above all, treat others (including children!) the way you would wish to be treated. God desires mercy, not sacrifice.
I said at the beginning that this was my deeper story. Deciding not to spank was just the beginning, but not really the most important part. The important part was how it changed me. This is a tough process. How do we show grace and mercy to the people that live everyday life with us, who know exactly how to push our buttons, who always see the ugly spots and rough edges, who are intimately acquainted with our anger, impatience, pride and weakness?
“Love always hopes, always trusts.” I started by looking for the best in my children and assuming that they were doing their best to have their needs met, not acting out of malice or evil intent. Most of the time, I was right! This even began to spill over to how I saw my husband’s actions. Believing that we are on the same team instead of seeing my children as opponents to be conquered changes everything! Jesus taught us that authority is about the power to serve and protect, not to selfishly demand compliance from those under us.
This is still discipline, not passivity or permissiveness. Far more than any other experience in my life, this has pushed me to develop healthy boundaries, and I am still learning in practical terms what this laying down of my life looks like. Thankfully, God has brought me some wise and gentle parents who are teaching me so much, such as Sarah Bessey’s Practices of Mothering, Jessica Bowman’s Parenting Wild Things, Megan Tietz’s Spirit Filled Parenting as well as the Gentle Christian Mothers website.
Seeking to parent with grace has forced me to dig deeper and deeper into God, to cling to Him when my own strength isn’t enough. The truth of the parable of the unmerciful servant drives straight into my heart whenever I am tempted to exact vengeance and punishment on these tiny little offenders, despite all that God has forgiven me. This is disciplining me, in the truest sense. Like Hebrews mentions, it is not always pleasant to confront my own issues. Honestly, it’s hard. Some days, I don’t want to disciple them. I’d rather just use the threat of a spanking to force compliance so that I don’t have to take the time to teach instead.
My own brokenness sends me crying out to my gentle Abba for wisdom and patience and love, because I am only nine years old as a mom and I need to be parented in this, too. But gradually His grace is helping me to find my own, and to be able to pour it out on others the way He lavishes it on me.
Ultimately, gentle discipline is transforming me. It has changed all of my relationships, with God, with my husband and the people around me. I began to blink away some of the judgement that clouded my vision, both of others and myself. Little glimmers of mercy and grace started flashing everywhere, at first just in the corner of my eye, then shining until I was blinded with the glory. Slowly my eyes are opening to see just how much love and patience, tenderness and delight my Heavenly Papi has for me. And if He has so much for me, then maybe I can love other people like that, too, including my own kidlets. Instead of looking suspiciously for darkness, I am waking up to the light of His compassions that never fail. They are new every morning. For me and for my children.
Image credit: Tampa Band Photos on Flickr
Thank you so much for this! This has been on my heart a lot lately. We don’t spank and it is so sad to me that many Christians think so poorly of that choice. And it is so hard for me when people say “Well it’s Biblical so that’s what we do.” It really isn’t Biblically commanded or even recommended.
I know what some of the pushback on this issue can look like and I’m so glad you’re speaking life and truth into such a contentious and personal issue.
Alissa, thank you so much! Your beautiful encouragement brought me a breath of peace this morning.
What a great message! I read this at the perfect time. Thank you for posting!
Thanks so much, Christian! I love it when God brings things and people together at just the right moment.
Thank you for this. I appreciate the spanking illustration of this post but appreciate even more deeply your struggle with perfectionism and “graceless” living (am I being too harsh there? If so, sorry…but it fits me, even if not you). I don’t think I was traumatized by my dad spanking me…I think the last one was probably as a 10 to 12 year old and so I was able to process my own wrongdoing to a greater degree than I could have before. But the attempt to “get it right” is something that I didn’t even see in me until a few years ago…I could/can see it in my wife! My goodness! Talk about making sure that she did everything she could for our kids, proper nutrition pre-natally to all of the child-proofing and care and concern for every detail…and yes, she has been on my case too so that I was more “present” for them.
But it was your comments here that really deeply impacted me.
You said: It is His kindness that leads us to repentance, not His punishment. Even when my stubbornness resulted in unpleasant consequences, it was kind of like gravity: jumping off a roof may result in a broken leg, but it isn’t God breaking my leg to make me feel bad. In His discipline, He never adds pain to make me feel worse. He knows the potential consequences of our ways and warns us ahead of time (if we will listen) but still it is his KINDNESS that leads to repentence. Truth. Thanks again.
Don, thank you so much for sharing your story! I think we all know from our own experience that hurting people don’t act right, and yet sometimes we still seem to think that making someone feel worse will improve things! I am so thankful for the freedom of grace and the healing that it brings.
Thank you for sharing your story! We have the ability to change things for the next generation (hey, you used prime directive,) IF we share our stories!
A lot of times I think parents just need exposure to gentle discipline and the reasons for it. And always the explanation of the Bible passages. (Always. Don’t even try to explain without them. Sigh.)
For me, I just had known no other way than to spank until 6.5 years ago a kind, gentle and loving mother shared her story with me and everything started to make sense.
It took me into my thirties to stop living in the fear of punishment or wrongfully assigning a negative life event to being punished. I’d like to tell that to people who say “I was spanked and I turned out alright.” I am grateful for loving parents; I know they did what was right and best according to what they knew. And I do believe that God honors that. But I’m not willing to settle for “tradition” when I know it can cause brokenness.
Sharing our stories gives caregivers an option that may not have been considered up until now. And I can’t think of anything more “biblical” than the way of patience, gentleness, peace and love. (Though I’m still learning to be gentle.)
So thank you, thank you, thank you!
Jamie, thank you so much! I agree completely with what you wrote, and this especially stood out to me: “It took me into my thirties to stop living in the fear of punishment or wrongfully assigning a negative life event to being punished. I’d like to tell that to people who say “I was spanked and I turned out alright.” I am grateful for loving parents; I know they did what was right and best according to what they knew. And I do believe that God honors that. But I’m not willing to settle for “tradition” when I know it can cause brokenness.” Oh, that is so true!
You mentioned the importance of explaining those passages–I am so with you on that! The parents that I know who spank because of the Bible sincerely believe that they are being obedient to God. Two of my favorite resources are the book “Biblical Parenting” by http://www.crystallutton.com and Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me by Sam Martin. Sam’s ebook is actually available for free, and is one of the best examinations of Scripture I know.
a hearty amen. thanks, dulce.
Thank you so much!
Pleasantly surprised to find the shout out! <3
Thank YOU for your voice for authenticity and harmony in family relationships. I appreciate you so much, lovely!
So beautifully said as always.
Thanks Dulce
Samuel Martin
Jerusalem Israel
Thank you so much, Sam! And in case anyone reading missed my earlier comment, if you really want to dig into the Scriptures regarding corporal punishment, please check out Samuel Martin’s book, Thy Rod and Thy Staff, They Comfort Me: Christians and the Spanking Controversy at samuelmartin.blogspot.com.
The best article on gentle discipline that I have EVER read. (And I’m part of GCM too, though on very sporadically). Thank-you so much for this – it has been a complete gift to read.
Especially loved this:
“The whole history of the law shows that punishment is powerless to change our hearts. God makes it clear so many times in the Bible that He cares about relationship and our hearts, not just the outward actions. Isn’t that the main issue with the Pharisees? Spanking may teach our children to have acceptable outward behavior to avoid the pain and humiliation, but it does nothing to motivate love and genuine care for others–just self-centeredness. It shifts the focus from how our actions affect others to what we can get away with.”
I’ve had a half-finished post in my drafts for ages now on why I don’t use punishment, and if I ever finish it I will definitely link to this. Thanks for explaining it so tenderly and eloquently.
Beth, thank you so, so much for your encouragement! That means so much to me. I can’t wait to read your post! Will you please share it on my blog or FB page so that I can pass it on? I am always giddy with delight to meet other Christians who do not punish their kids. <2
Wonderful, Dulce. Thanks for sharing this here. So many Christians have never even been exposed to the idea of gentle, non-punitive parenting; it’s so important to be talking about these things. You’ve been invaluable in my own journey towards gentle mothering, I want everyone to have the chance to learn from you!
Huge hugs to you, lovely mama! I am so thankful for you and for all that I am learning from you and so many other gentle parents. I used to feel so alone, and it is wonderful to discover how many of us there really are.
I decided not to spank because I did not want to raise my son the way I was raised. I lived in fear of my father and my mother was an instigator of most of the whippings I got. I struggle not to hate them but, in all honesty I am bitter and I do hate them. The very people who I trusted to protect and love me continuously hurt me. Now, I was conflicted about what the Bible says about spankings as well and I did some research. I found out that Hebrew for “the rod” means “tounge”. “A rod” means an actual stick. I applied this using tounge and stick in every passage I found and it made sense. “Spare “THE ROD”(the tounge, talking, instructing”, spoil the child” is what I see.
Melissa, I am so sorry for the ways your were hurt as a child. It is heartbreaking to know that in so many families, something that should bring life and healing became twisted into punishment and pain and cruelty. I admire you for raising your son without fear.
Beautifully crafted, Dulce. Thank you.
Thank you so very much, lovely! I am more grateful than I can say for all the wise women like you who speak into my life to help me love my family more. <3
thank you for this! more than anything as parents – and as people in general for that matter – our aim should be to provide as clear an image of who God is to our children and to the world around us. grace is an attribute i feel is often ignored in displaying this image, which is most unfortunate as God demonstrates grace beyond measure.
beautiful, honest, and thought provoking.
Thank you so very much! <3 You expressed that so beautifully ~ "our aim should be to provide as clear an image of who God is". That is really all that matters, isn't it? So often I fall short, but I am thankful that grace is for mamas, too.
I understand your walk toward grace and appreciate it. God has taught me so much about it in the last 10 years. I love that God’s kindness leads us to repentance. Because without his drawing, I couldn’t repent at all. It is His work with in me and my kids. It is His work that creates holiness in me.
Jesus even warned that those that don’t have relationship will go to legalism or liberalism. GCM goes that way -liberalism – it is heresy. I was on that site many years ago when I was struggling with a daughter that I didn’t realize had autism at the time. It was their unBiblical teachings that turned me away. They don’t believe the scripture, but man’s opinion/feelings over scripture. They say that Psalms isn’t scripture… but interestingly it is the most quoted book in the New Testament and quoted as scripture not nice poetry. They held Hebrew teachers above the Bible. All things written by Hebrews is not truth. The Bible is! That is just a little of the doctrine I struggled with on there. Also found on there, that women that preach gentleness were very hypocritical in the way they treated others. They would bash anyone on the board or elsewhere that didn’t agree with them. Justify calling people names, seek out small community boards and disrupt them, in general act very ungodlike. God cares about doctrine. He wrote a whole book on it.
BTW, Spencer Spanking Plan is a hoax. It isn’t in the library of congress, exists only on the internet…. Interestingly enough, only quoted by very twisted people and those against spanking. (and I am not putting those groups together in the same category)
God does practice gentleness and His patience is long suffering. However, He CAUSES pain. He took David’s sons from him because of his sin. It was not natural causes for his sons to die because of it. It was ordained by God. He smited Mariam with leprosy for her complaints against Moses, God was patient with Israel but came down on them hard for disobedience. Paul writes in his letter that some are sick or dead because of their sin in taking the Lord’s supper in vain or basically living ungodly lives. The difference in Godly discipline is His motivation. He doesn’t punish us. Jesus’ death covered that. He does what is best for us out of LOVE for us. Sometimes it is harsh because His love and kindness is great and the sin in our life can be very damaging.
I must have missed the scripture that states you must punish immediately as in that second and not wait until you cool down. Since we are commanded to deal with our own sin before dealing with the sin of others and unrighteous anger is sin. We are also told to pray before approaching another about their sin. Both of those verses support cooling down.
I believe in parenting as God parents and I do spank my kids. It is the least used tool in my training. I believe in gentle relational training; wish I used it more with my older kids.
I pray God continues your journey with Him and parenting. He walks us down many roads. I was at where you are now many years ago, but no longer believe that way. I have taken things from both sides and found a middle ground.
BTW, Spencer Spanking Plan is a hoax. It isn’t in the library of congress, exists only on the internet.
Kristin, thank you for sharing your story!
I have been on GCM many years and in my posting there and in my relationships with the admins and moderators I have not seen any of what you describe. Of course, it is a large board with many posters of different backgrounds and beliefs, but the official Statement of Beliefs is very clear about the authority of the Bible and it is enforced very consistently.
Proverbs 13:24 says that we are to discipline promptly in some translations, and I have witnessed parents praying before a spanking and still seething with anger that they never acknowledged to themselves. Particularly when the parents are struggling with depression and other issues, they may not be fully aware of their own motives or emotions. However, regardless of the parents’ anger or calmness, hitting hurts. Many even believe it is far more devastating to be hit coolly and calmly.
As for the Spencer Spanking Plan, a website devoted to that practice has a pretty good explanation of the history. http://www.spencerplanspanking.com/planhistory.html
I think that you hit (no pun intended) on a very crucial thing, though. All of the people I know who defend spanking are quick to talk about how God causes pain, and that that justifies us causing pain to our children. I interpret those passages very differently from you, and I see my relationship with Him and my kids in a very different light. There are many ways to teach that do not cause pain, and if a child cannot learn without pain, then I suspect that we are teaching the wrong lesson.
The only place the Spencer Spanking plan is mentioned from is that pornographic site you just listed. Every single reference he gives in the “history” of the Spencer Spanking plan does NOT exist. None of the books are listed in library of congress…even the books “quoting” the Spencer book. A book that would have “sold out” 50,000 copies years ago would definitely made it in the LOC. That link has pornographic pictures of spanking – I would be hesitant to be sending people there.
The discussions I had were with moderators and quotes from Crystal’s?? books? You can bring up a child comes from the womb speaking lies and see if they throw it out as not scripture or it isn’t translated right… we have a better translation that doesn’t match up with Strongs or any other dictionary or the Hebrew/Greek. But we are right and everyone else now & for centuries is wrong.
I bring up that discipline from God hurts because GCM is quick to point out “We parent as God’s parents”. No … they don’t. As I pointed out in scripture, God’s discipline hurts, AND he is gentle, kind and loving. They go hand in hand. It isn’t either or. We cannot strip God of the character qualities we don’t like.
Hebrews 12:7-10
Pro 23:13 Do not hold back discipline from the child, Although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. Whether GCM likes it or not, it is there with many others. I do tend to agree that the rod was probably used on older children/teens and hardheartedness. I believe discipline is usually just relational training in a close relationship. But would never call say spanking is never justified -that is to contradict scripture.
GCM brings out the abusive parents and say it doesn’t work or if parents that happened to use spanking and their kids turned out great… well, it was a fluke. It was in spite of and not because of their parenting. I saw this first hand. “All parents that don’t believe in spanking raise horrible, undisciplined kids you don’t want to be around. & I have seen that first hand.” But that would be ridiculous stereotyping!! So I just recommend being careful thinking GCM philosophy is necessarily “holier” than others.
You seem like a great parent being transformed by God and I love your blog. I agree with you. Grace and mercy is incredibly transforming and the biggest change has been God’s work in me. It is amazing! I see truth and love coming together beautifully in a work that is only God’s!!