As a single, Christian woman it would be false to say I do not spend time thinking about marriage, both the overarching concept of the sacred union and the specifics of daily life marked by private rituals that would go unnoticed by anyone but the husband and wife. And as that same single, Christian woman, it would be false to say that I do not spend time thinking about adultery.
Not committing it, but about its prevalence. About how it doesn’t discriminate. About how it. is. everywhere. Stories shared by women on blogs I read. Conversations across small tables in coffee shops and living rooms. And once in a tattoo parlor while my skin bled with words of do not worry, her skin bled the name of another woman’s husband.
Most recently it was a seven page article about a social media site specifically designed for people who WANT to have affairs. The website actually GUARANTEES that if you sign up, you will have an affair. It says so multiple times on the homepage.
I want to be incredulous. I want to be furious. I want to scream words of anger and righteous judgment. I want to shake with body wracking sobs at the flippant way we have come to view marriage. I want to cry out for protection, begging God for the armor that only He can provide, pleading with Him to protect the marriages of friends, family, and for the marriage I hope to one day have.
It is easy to be self-righteous. It is easy to distance myself from “those people” who have affairs. But I am an unfaithful bride. It is in my nature to stray. And it is because it is in my nature to stray that I try so hard to distance myself from “those people.” Because I see myself in them. I see myself in their lies and the loneliness and dissatisfaction that leads them into the arms of someone they did not commit themselves to before friends, family and God.
I want an answer. I want a solution. I want something to counter this slap in the face I receive when I think about the way people so quickly devalue something I long for so deeply. I want a silver bullet that ends the laziness, the selfishness, the anger, the lies and the deceit that leads us into the arms of another. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it.
And in that simple admission of my own inability to be faithful, I find what I long for: a love that is perfect, a love that is wrapped up in grace and redemption. A love that is strong enough to defeat not just infidelity but death itself. It feels simple, trite even, but it is true. And He is our only hope.
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“And He is our only hope.” Amen and amen!
Wonderful post.
As much as want to condemn “these people”, as much I want to make the woman who stole my husband’s heart for a few months, a cold, calculating, marriage-destroying monster, deep- down in my heart I know that she is just like me, broken. Lost. Searching for the perfect love in the wrong places.
And instead of righteous anger, I feel sadness and compassion for her. And, though it’s the hardest thing, against my very nature, I pray for her. I pray that she would find her love and healing in Jesus.
Inna, I am so sad for your heartache, and so blown away by your grace. I pray that you would continue to love her and see her need for Jesus, and I pray that He would be faithful to bind up your wounds. His word promises that He does, and He is faithful to keep His promises to us.
Much love.
Inna, you are a better woman than I am. 6 years after the betrayal and I can barely eek out a prayer for that woman and if I do it sounds something like “God help her find what she needs in you as long as its really far from me”. I harbor hope that she still thinks that the facade that my husband presented to her was real and she sees a man who doesn’t exist as her great lost love….as if those who would live by the sword of destructive ‘romance’ would die by the sword of destructive romance. Admittedly, not my best moment.
Amen and amen. I suspect the true purpose of marriage isn’t to make us complete or to give us a partner in life, as wonderful as those things are. I suspect God means for it to humble us to the point where we see our own wandering, faithless hearts for what they are. I am so grateful God loved me even when. My marriage, more than anything else in my life, has shown me the pricelessness of God’s grace.
i just love your words kelly. i couldn’t have said it better myself. “the pricelessness of God’s grace.” man alive, it’s something.
I love your words describing marriage: “I suspect God means for it to humble us to the point where we see our own wandering, faithless hearts for what they are.” Lovely, true words, that make me appreciate God’s faithfulness even more.
Nothing has shown me more how selfish I can be than marriage (and then parenting). I definitely feel like God had me get married because I needed to learn some lessons.
these are beautiful words haley and as someone that is in a similar position as you, they’re very true. you hit the nail on the head. thanks for that.
Haley,
I know so many in your position, and many in the other. This was an achingly powerful post that took my breath away, sobered my heart and drew me to a prayerful place, and I thank you for that. Write on Girl!
Apryl, thank you so much. I feel the same way, the only thing I can think to do, the only thing that can DO anything about this is prayer.
Great post ! Lately I’ve been reminded that our marriages need to be treated like our relationship with the Lord. They both thrive on communication and honesty. Our relationship with Christ grows when we spend time with Him and get to know Him. Marriages need to be treated with the same care! Thanks
This is a wonderful post. I’ve been there. I am there. I get angry when people complain about the thing they have that I long for. I get scared of making a commitment when I hear the stories of betrayal because what if they run away? And then I’m humbled when I realize my own betrayals.
“And in that simple admission of my own inability to be faithful, I find what I long for: a love that is perfect, a love that is wrapped up in grace and redemption. A love that is strong enough to defeat not just infidelity but death itself.”
Thank you for this.
I think it is far too easy to separate ourselves from the sins of others, but we are no different and we are just as likely to betray. The only thing we can do is turn to Christ and hope in Him.
Thank you, Julie.
As a married woman, it’s impossible NOT to think about adultery. Not from the standpoint that I don’t trust my husband…but from the standpoint that marriage doesn’t seem to have any significance to people anymore. The union, the sacred vow…just doesn’t seem to matter. I married a military man…a man who spent 8 months away from me and remained faithful…while the husband’s he was in school with didn’t. It’s hard. It’s SO hard when our society has no morals and no standards anymore. I heard about that website you mentioned and was APPALLED. It’s so, so sad.
I am so thankful that your husband remained faithful while he was away! I pray that God will continue to bind you to one another and strengthen the sacred union you’ve chosen to enter into.
I love your words and thoughts, Haley. I’m in the same position as you: I too, as a single Christian woman, long for marriage, and to see others’ destroy and devalue the precious union and sacred vows that we long for is so, so devastating. It’s heartwrenching, because the union that God creates in marriages was never meant to be broken, so when it is, it’s devastating.
But your last paragraph is so true, we have a perfect love from a perfect God that will protect us through every trial, even infidelity (God forbid). Well put
Beautifully put, as always.
Oh my gosh. Please let me be in the same room with you and then let’s hug and go for a walk along East Cliff. Love you so much, sweet friend.
Powerful and humbling to be reminded that each of us is the unfaithful bride of Christ – that though we wandered from Him and His perfect faithfulness, He gave us not what we deserved but what we did not deserve. Very precious thought for Good Friday.
I am not a “stop and smell the roses” person by nature. My husband is. When we were dating he would point out sunsets, beautiful vistas and always could tell what the bird overhead was. In our first couple of years of marriage, he also pointed out to me how blessed we were to be married. How lucky we were to have found each other, and that God had given us our marriage. At first I thought he was silly, then I realized how important it was to recognize that our relationship was special (just as every marriage is special). Pointing that out to each other is a way we have of reminding ourselves to fight for it.
I would have given a limb to have heard my husband say such words to me in the first 20 years we were married…to him, marriage was nothing but a burden to be marginally tolerated. He had to destroy everything and break my heart into unrecognizable little bits before he could ever see what we had was a blessing. Even today he jokes about marriage because it is such a habit of his even if he does treat it with more respect, but my love language is words and my heart still goes wanting most of the time.
I just recently took a Bible study that focused on three women of the Bible. One was Gomar, the prostitute and wife from the book of Hosea. It was so convicting to see that *I* am a prostitute. That as the bride of Christ, I stray from Him, giving my love and life to other things. That was tough to process. Being married, I pray from and guard over my marriage, because it is scared and precious and I don’t want anything, or anyone, coming between my husband and me. But, to see that I don’t do the same thing with Christ was so convicting. Like, wow.
my good friend and i were just discussing this issue of “straying.” some say that she & i have the right to look for something different, that we have the right to leave what we have & to move on.
she & i always remind each other that we want new husbands new marriages but with the husbands we already have. is that so much to ask? our husbands are in the same highly destructive group/cult. we have walked together hand in hand everyday through this muck.
some also say that she & i are content being victims but how can they say that when we stand strong in our faith we draw our boundaries we keep ourselves as safe as possible. how can they say that when i am going deeper and deeper into Christ Jesus. i do share his sufferings. i feel betrayed. i do feel anger and lonely. i do want out and to lead a normal safe life with a husband who treats me like a queen. but i want it to be with this man. we are one. how can i NOT want to love him along the way. my sweet sweet friend always reminds me that God is big enough that He hears He sees and He desires what we desire. these men are on a destructive path. God promises to lead us to guide us and i’m willing & i pray that these men will see the cult leader for who he is.
Glad you wrote this lady!