I want my kids to know that they can have faith without having all the answers.
This sounds obvious, what believer doesn’t want that? But it seems what many Christians actually really want is to appear to have all the answers. All of them. So their faith will seem absolutely sure-footed and concrete, unquestionable and safe, to themselves and all the others. It would be easier that way. I understand.
Last time I was here I told stories about my grandparents; how different and the same their faith was from mine. My grandfather was the one who, when I asked if he’d ever doubted, said NO with no hesitation and a bit of a gasp.
I realized after writing that post that I’ve never doubted either. Not in the way I was referring to, anyway. What I realized is that I have certainly doubted Christianity–The Church and The Religion–but God? Christ? No, I really haven’t. I was kind of surprised to realize that, but it’s true.
Doubting and questioning, those are two different things.
I have questioned the existence of God, but when it comes to the end of the day, for me, He just is. I can’t shake Something/Someone who just Is. So I let the questions come and let the answers follow. They always do, if I’m open to them. There were times I was closed up in shame but even then, looking back, there He was quietly walking around my heart waiting for me to open.
I hope my kids feel that, too. And I hope their questions make their faith unique and authentic, but quiet.
The louder Christianity that comes to mind for most people is the one that wears out the path from the one’s front door to the church building, back and forth, back and forth, looking sideways at people outside the bubble, confused as to how the others could be walking through life with out knowing Jesus. It is a frustrated Christianity, loudly judging or quietly but obviously rolling its eyes.
Know Jesus. Know Peace. No Jesus. No Peace. It’s obvious, to them. How could you not want Jesus? HOW do you not see that you need him? They seem to grow quickly impatient and frustrated.
At a young age, I understood why many people didn’t Know Jesus, and I was confused as to how we could really know who knew Him and who did not. As an insecure preteen and adolescent I was mostly aware that somehow, the Evangelical Christian community I grew up in, and everyone else–the non-believers and wrong believers and the in-betweeners–existed in two different bubbles, bouncing off one another, the Christians in one bubble and the rest of the world in another bubble. That’s how it had always felt to me.
I was a kid that felt this distinct bubble effect because I sensed in my faith community this wrong versus right mentality was winning. Like maybe we talked about that more than anything else.
I guess that’s why I was embarrassed, some of the time. By the Contemporary Christian music playing in my mom’s car, setting me apart while my non-Christian friends rode along. Or, I would feel a surge of humiliated adrenaline at the Christianese spoken at the dinner table, a friend sitting as a guest, looking a little confused and uncomfortable.
I felt it during sermons and at concerts, at camp and at my small Christian college. Many messages spoken to young Christians have to do with not being ashamed of the gospel, so this was a problem for me. I thought that feeling awkward around Contemporary Christian music and Christianese meant that I was obviously ashamed of the gospel. Of course I now know that maybe I was just a normal kid, wanting to not only to fit in with everyone else, but also worrying that my friends would feel not-Christian-enough to be liked around me, which happened a lot. I think that’s a feeling born of the bubble effect, not because of me or a lot of other Christians that wish the bubbles were less….I don’t know, there.
Maybe it’s because I felt this awkward embarrassed reaction a lot, and I felt it strongly, that I came to feel that these were the ways we Christians were set apart. Our music, our language and not drinking or smoking or having sex–because every time I heard “set apart”, I heard about that sort of thing. About taking a moral high road so people will notice you’re different.
I get that and to some degree it may be true, but I want my kids to think set apart means that they will love so radically and freely that whatever moral choices their making, through all their years of figuring it out, won’t be what people are even able to focus on. Does that make sense?
You know, like Jesus. I know he didn’t screw up morally, but what I mean is that He loved so fiercely it was the most noticeable thing about Him. The people who were open to that love certainly felt it, and the Pharisees felt it too but it was threatening to them. Either way, it was undeniable, however it was defined in the end.
I hope my kids keep loving ridiculously even when people doubt their faith could be real.
It’s so hard to stand up and keep going when you live your faith differently than in the bubble. The opinions of most people in the bubble will be that you’ve “fallen away.”
I was very young when I learned to be quiet within the bubble, but I thought that maybe it was okay to figure out what you think and feel and believe, authentically. It seems so often people do all kinds of exploring and come to find that the faith within the bubble, the Thing it is if the bubble were not there, is still the most appealing option for them. It may not come packaged just so–being set apart in a non-bubble way–but maybe it bursts the bubble and lands them in the other bubble, just as sure-footed and grounded and maybe even totally okay.
It’s really hard to say, since we can actually, when the day is done, speak for no one other than ourselves.
When it comes to “Religion” I hope my kids learn to speak for no one other than themselves, in a language that most often has no words. I hope they ask the questions and stay open for the answers that always come, especially from the most unexpected, seemingly “wrong” places. The answers are found in the midst of wherever we’ve landed.
I hope they land outside the bubble. There, I said it. My kids, please, will be Christians with no other label attached. I hope.
God Is. So He will be there and I can hope a lot of things for the faith of my children and even if I ask them, Do you ever doubt and they answer Yes, quickly and with a little gasp, it’s okay. He is. Everywhere.
Yes, yes, yes!
I think I spent my entire adolescence feeling guilty because I couldn’t master the “don’t be ashamed of the gospel” line everyone was always beating like a drum.
Like you, I look back and see a normal, just-wanted-to-fit-in teenager. I also see a girl who didn’t want to make her friends uncomfortable. Not out of shame but concern.
I hope I can help my own kids live with more freedom.
Amen and amen.
Thank you for this. I don’t have kids yet, but when I do, I hope I can teach them how to be outside of the bubble, I hope I can show them that doubt is OK. It’s hard and scary – because it’s easier to follow and teach somebody else to follow a list of rules than to love and teach somebody else to love.
It’s a careful balance, though, because there ARE moral decisions to be made, and those are important, and kids especially tend to see things in black and white, and I’m not sure how to show them how to love while simultaneously teaching them that the moral choices we will encourage them to make will make them different from most of their friends.
In any case, a beautiful post. Thank you.
I love this, Heather. I wrestled with many of the same things growing up, all the more complicated due to attending a Christian grammar school. How much more in the bubble could we get? I was reading Madeleine L’Engle the other night and she touched on doubt and it’s efficacy in our lives. I’ll have to track it down and email to you later tonight because it’s spot on.
No pressure, but I’d love the L’Engle thoughts on doubt. Seriously though, if time slips away, I won’t get all mad and tweet mean stuff at you
I love this so much. It’s a tension I’m trying to balance, as we’re raising our kids in a typical church and sometimes it’s really difficult.
“When it comes to “Religion” I hope my kids learn to speak for no one other than themselves, in a language that most often has no words.”
I hope you don’t mind if I commandeer this prayer for my own little ones. So perfect.
Thanks for this, Heather.
I don’t mind, of course. Thank YOU, Luke.
All that you said was brave and authentic and leads toward a wholeness not usually present in the bubble — but this line: “So I let the questions come and let the answers follow. They always do, if I’m open to them.”
This is where I stand. I can do no other.
Beautiful piece, Heather. Beautiful and bold and puts words to what i know, even if i can’t always say it.
Doug Huffman (professor at NWC and now at Biola) stated frequently in our Sunday School class–which we no longer attend probably because he’s not there–that evangelicals of today are probably the equivalent to the pharisees of the NT.
Looking at them from where we are, of course, we see that no way do we want to look like that.
But if evangelicals are the equivalent, how do I shake up what I believe is important.
It’s not really what I believe. The truth is the truth is the truth. Right? But how do I live what I believe? How does it change me? Who am I? How do I relate to him?
Most importantly, I don’t have all the answers. Confidence in God does not mean I know everything.
Gianna, I always appreciate your thoughts.
That’s just it–you can feel confident in the truth and that can be good. Feeling confident and secure in what you believe is good, I think it all comes down to how humbly we live that out. Part of that humility is what you said, “I don’t have ALL the answers. Confidence in God does not mean I know everything.” A lot of people have a hard time seeing that.
Peace.
When I first became a Christian I prayed, “Dear Lord, please let my children have a boring testimony.” I wanted so desperately for them to know God, but for them to not suffer.
It was a pretty foolish and selfish prayer to have… for God pretty blatantly tells us that we know Him better through the trials and through the pain. For me to want to take away the part of their life that would ultimately decide whether they would draw Him close or choose their own path… well, I sorta cant help it as a mom.
But I know they have to go through whatever trials and criticism and pain that HE knows they need in order to strengthen their relationship with Him. Including having a deceitful and sin loving world mock them.
I mean, I know it… I dont like it… but I accept it.
I can really relate to this post Heather, and I can see myself wanting a lot of the same things for our family.
My one note of caution here is that it’s really important for Christians to know their roots. So, in that sense, I think it’s good for your kids to know their history and to know that they have been specifically shaped by evangelicalism. Interestingly, the history of evangelicalism involves one group after another that just wanted to call themselves “Christians” who eventually leaned toward one unperceived bias or another before they let that one thing define them. It’s quite jarring to read, and it reminds me that while there’s a lot of good to be found in keeping our communities broad and open to the various strains of the Christian tradition, understanding the things that shape us can help us understand ourselves down the line.
Ed,
So true. I wanted to write more about that, but of course I always make my posts too long
I am really grateful for the foundation I have, the history of my family and the beliefs therein. I wouldn’t want to go back and do it differently because it did shape me and I’m even grateful for the unhealthy parts.
I do want my kids to know their roots. It will all be a part of them. I hope.
Have you read Jason Boyett’s book, “O Me of Little Faith?” He speaks so winsomely about doubt and how it is part of our journey. I highly recommend it. And I think Ed has a wise word here, as do you. Yes, we want our kids to be able to choose for themselves and to speak for themselves – but knowing their roots is important, too. Like so much else in this life, we have to walk a fine line between extremes – so many blessings to you, Heather, as you guide your children and encourage them on their own faith journeys.
I haven’t, Diana. But now I have another book on my long list of “to read”
And I totally agree with Ed’s wise words and yours. There’s so much to this. Honoring the Evangelical history in my life is a good thing, even if there is a lot about it that we want to do differently.
Thank you.
Well thought out and very well said.
Wow. Maybe I am missing your point here, but I feel sad for anyone who thinks this way about being an evangelical Christian. An evangelical Christian is one who believes the Bible is the word of God. It is one who wants to SHINE so that their light shines to honor God and to hopefully draw others to know Jesus Christ! As a Christian, we SHOULD stand out–we should not “shrink” to feel a part of the world. Yes, there are indeed Christians who point fingers and wrongly judge others, but that is not because they are evangelical–that is because they are sinners as well! And you are right–Jesus did walk this earth in LOVE. But He also walked this earth unashamed of walking in the Light and speaking from the word of God. And when things ANGERED him, He DID let that be heard as well! Truth be told, I’m a bit weary of this “new Christian”. It appears people are trying to be “of the world” so as not to offend anyone. Is this the “politically correct” Christian?? I recently read something from, I believe(?) Oswald Chambers…where he states something to the affect, “If, as a Christian, I DON’T stand out and people are NOT questioning why is she different…then maybe I’m not SHINING for the Lord…”
Hi Shelly,
I do think there’s a chance we’re talking about two different things. In this post, I’m referring to the stereotype of an evangelical, a caricature of sorts. This is because many evangelicals have given the world reason to have this stereotype come to mind. A person who is rigid and judgmental, loud and seems to feel their Christianity is some sort of ascension over others. Because that exists and I have always been able to feel it, I was uncomfortable with the things I mentioned in the post, when I was younger. I’m not ashamed of what I believe, in fact I talk about it quite a lot. Jesus isn’t embarrassing. Believing in Him and doing my best to “follow Him” isn’t embarrassing. But a lot of evangelical behavior is. I simply want my kids to live beyond that. An evangelical Christian *can* be what you’ve described, and it’s possible to shine without blinding everyone and scaring them away. Evangelical Christians who shine more than blinding, it seems, are rare. It’s also rare to find one that focuses so much on loving others and serving the world (shining) that they don’t have time or energy to point fingers.
I love Chambers’ quote. I don’t know what kind of standing out he was referring to, but what comes to mind for me, and what I want for me and my family is not a person who stands out because they jump through moral hoops (though it is important to me that we live morally as well, but quietly) but rather, someone who stands out because they love so freely and differently. Not just within a bubble, but in any relationship with anyone.
I’m not at all trying to argue. Just explaining my perspective. I don’t mind at all that yours may be different and I respect it. It isn’t about not offending anyone by being politically correct to fit in. I’ve long given up fitting in. What I long for is not to be a “new Christian” but to be just be a Christian…with no other label attached. Evangelical or otherwise. If we’re looking at the whole of history, the evangelical label and many of its practices are fairly new as well. But that’s a whole other long conversation.
I love talking through these things. I hope you can feel the tone of this response. I’m calm and conversational. It’s hard to tell with the written word sometimes.
Heather
Thank you for this, it helped me because I’ve been thinking about this sort of stuff recently and it brought some scriptures to mind:)
I think of Jesus’ words: “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” I want to shine with that!
Also, I’m thinking of Isaiah 42:
“Here is my servant, whom I uphold,
my chosen one in whom I delight;
I will put my Spirit on him
and he will bring justice to the nations.
2He will not shout or cry out,
or raise his voice in the streets.
3A bruised reed he will not break,
and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;
4he will not falter or be discouraged
till he establishes justice on earth.
In his law the islands will put their hope.”
I hope I will raise my voice against the hypocrites who believe themselves holy, but reach my hand out to the sinner because I have been forgiven of many sins and I want to extend the hand of love that was extended to me.