I remember so vividly our Sunday morning routine when I was a child. There was screaming and fighting and swatting and tears.
Always tears.
Like an unseen bully, the volatile tension would follow us into the car, its presence thick and heavy and loud.
I’d hold my breath, and silently beg for a ceasefire. The words “please stop” would turn over and over in my mind. All the way to church.
And as we pulled into the parking lot, there came the inevitable instruction: “You better put a smile on your face before we get inside.”
I’d do my best to dry my tears. Wipe my snot. Calm my blotchy skin. With my plastic smile crookedly in place, we’d walk into church. Together. A happy family.
And so I learned to live a double life.
I don’t have much of a poker face — my eyes always give me away — so I tried my best to be invisible. In the church foyer, I’d scurry away from my family as soon as I could. I’d walk close to the wall, stick to the outskirts of the crowd, avoid eye contact.
I became good at remaining unseen. Master of the phrase “I’m fine”. Proficient at simply being quiet. Skills I still excel at, even though I am desperate for different…
And so I live in the tension of my love/hate relationship with authenticity.
I despise artificiality, yet I find it strangely comfortable. I crave transparency, yet I cower away from it. I so deeply long for authenticity, but I am scared to death of being laid bare.
So I learned to be authentic in past tense. To speak of what I’ve overcome, how much I’ve changed, what I used to struggle with. But past tense authenticity isn’t really authenticity at all, is it? The present tense, bare-boned kind is vulnerable and exposing. Naked, with nowhere to hide. Just me, broken and battered.
Deep down, I want to be Velveteen-Rabbit real: threadbare and worn, and loved even more for it.
But I despise my own frayed edges, torn limbs, matted fur, missing whiskers. Afraid that if anyone really saw me for who I am, there’s no way they would love me… There’s no way they could love me…
Sigh…
In an attempt at present-tense authenticity, I don’t have a red bow to wrap this all together with. I don’t have a grace-lined ending or some nugget of Scripture that ties this all neatly together. Just an honest confession of my constant struggle to be really real.
And I keep thinking about that stuffed bunny who became real because he was deeply loved. And how I want the opposite to be true of me.
I want to be deeply loved because I am real.
Maybe not so much despite my flaws and failures and shortcomings… but because of them.
{ 176 comments… read them below or add one }
Um… Yes. Just, yes.
I fear people’s reactions to my ‘real’. Real isn’t pretty, it isn’t comfortable, and I think most people would rather not deal with the authentic, as much as they say they do.
i fear the same thing, jen…
amen to you both.
Oh gosh … did this hit home. My family was/is masters at ‘putting on the happy face’ around others.
You have a great way with words … love the way you captured the tensions of being real, while being terrified of being real.
i’m in awe of how many people relate to this… (and thank you for your kind words, janet!)
Alece,
Thank you for writing this I know a lot of us relate to this. I think I’ve spent a lot of my life being who people expect me to be and am still trying to figure out what it means to just be the real me.
ps I’m thankful for you friend, and the way you encourage me and countless others.
in so many ways, i also feel like i still don’t know what it means to just be me. who am i…really?
thank you for being such a huge encouragement to me, bindu. always.
I live overseas and work on staff with many other Americans. I find that there is great pressure for me just to pretend that everything is OK by putting on a happy face. We have been in the midst of a farily disruptive resturcturing and the “right” answer is that we are all just fine, never better, see God’s hand everywhere. And when I go against the party line I’m a trouble maker.
And so it is. I am if what they want is a mask. Authenticity can be very scary for all involved, not just the person being authentic. Thanks for the post. /Amy
i get this SO much. i lived and worked in africa for 13 years, and struggled so much with this very thing.
and you’re right. authenticity is scary for all involved. which makes it feel doubly-hard to lay my heart bare…
yes, unconditional love…what would that feel like? I think my grandma gave it to me…she (the very goofy flawed person) was like an oasis in my life…I miss her. I hoped I would get it from my parents, my husband or my kids, but sadly, no…any lapse on my part is met with rejection – swift and stinging.
so I go out and serve…I care for others the way I would want to be treated..sometimes it comes, back, most times it doesnt.
I envy women who I perceive are treasured even if they are suffering terrible circumstances. I once read a book written by a woman in my faith tradition who started out her book explaining how much her parents loved her and I was so angry…WHY did she have to do that? did she have no idea that casual comments about how much your parents valued you are salt in the woulds of those of us who were threatened with disposal regularly?
“so i go out and serve”… i think that’s huge, tammy. intentionally loving others the way you want to be loved and providing them a safe place to be real… i pray someone comes into your life and does the same with you.
Beautifully said Alece!
thank you, friend.
THIS.
Exactly THIS.
Thank you for being brave and exactly who you are.
shoooo…. i don’t feel brave, but your words mean a whole lot, beth. thank you.
yes. Yes. Yes. This hit so true for me this morning. Everything in this, is something I could have written myself. Thank you.
truly. beautiful. truly.
i am grateful to hear this resonated with your heart, brittany.
would you mind if i reposted this on my blog (with credit)?
not at all… thank you for wanting to!
again, thank you for writing this.
http://beingbrittany.tumblr.com/post/4035057758/velveteen-heart
I love this. And I love the analogy to the velveteen rabbit–one of my favorite stories that has spoken to me deeply. From what I’ve read and seen in this blogger community, it seems you are loved and treasured and cherished by so many woman who have the privilege to know you personally.
thank you for your beautiful words, april…
We were always “perfect”. I have a hard time believing God loves me when I am real.
Young Mom, He does love you when you’re real. You know why? He already knows.
Have you ever heard the song, Better than a Hallelujiah, by Amy Grant?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rm5kx3xqmg0
Rebekah Thank you so much for sharing this song. This touched me so much this morning.
Rebekah Grace is so right. The thing is the problem is not the way He sees us. It’s the way WE see ourselves. I can’t get over that He sees me as completely and totally righteous, holy, godly and pure… not because of anything I have done but because of what Christ did. Christ perfected my imperfections. He cancelled out all that I have done and will do and replaced it with what He has done. I can’t get over the fact that even on my worst day I am and will always be the righteousness of Christ. Life just doesn’t get any better than that!
hard for me to grasp at times, too…
praying you see/feel/know a bit more of His love today….
I love this. I love the analagy of The Velveteen Rabbit… I have used it several times on my blog too~ once fairly recently. Thank you for sharing this.
love when God does stuff like that…
Hello Alece! She said from the other side of the fence.
I grew up in a family that wore masks too. I was too young to understand what was going on. But as soon as I did I jumped the fence as fast as I could. “Not me”, I said, “I’m not going to live life this way! I’m going to be honest, real, transparent and authentic!”
How was I to know that the silent teaching of simply being within that environment would bring me to a marriage where I would find myself being fine, living a double life and not able to share my true self, because my true self would be yelled at, belittled or walked away from? I didn’t know that then. I do, however, know that now. It was the perfect storm. Funny how we subconciously choose our perfect mate.
Life is not like that now. To say I am grateful wouldn’t even begin to express.
I crave authenticity like I used to crave cigarettes. I have not seen many examples of it, if any.
I have worn my heart on my sleeve most of my life. I want desperately to be loved in spite of myself. My honesty has scared people silent right in front of me; scared people away from me as I watch them walk away; and at times created a condemnation from the other person that makes my skin crawl, my mouth shut and my heart break. So I have found myself alone because I am being what I deeply want with others. Real.
When people lay themselves bare in front of me, I’m relieved! Finally, someone who, like me, isn’t perfect, struggles with many things and ain’t askeered to say so.
And finally…..you are loved Alece! More deeply and authentically and real than any of us ca really know, this side of Heaven. For exactly who you are and where you’ve been. He is that unbelievably awesome!
Thank you for this!
So much of what you have written here, sweet Rebekah I could have written… No wonder I like you so much… I see the kindred heart in you. I love your realness!!
i so appreciate your heart shared in this space, RG. thank you for this window into YOU.
This. Just this. You wrote my heart and the longing that is rooted there. I can relate to your words on just about every level — thank you for your honesty and for echoing what has been my journey and desire.
We are in process and always will be so … until that glorious day.
Today, Alece, you were authentic, transparent, real … in the right now. I don’t know you, but now I know a piece of your heart, and it is beautiful.
your words brought tears to my eyes. thank you, erika.
I struggle with this too…all of it. Love you.
love you, lindz.
Oh Alece … how I love you. Struggling myself. Love the “Velveteen Rabbit.” Always want to be real, the loved on, worn out, gracious, “ugly-beautiful” kind of real. See me the way He sees me. You bless me!
love the way you worded that — “the ugly-beautiful kind of real”. yes!
We do like our neat and tidy bows, don’t we? Sometimes it just isn’t possible to have one.
Alece, I see you as one of the most really real gals God ever knit together. I know that struggle for authenticity…I think most women do. But know that you are deeply, deeply loved…every beautifully real part of you!
i so appreciate you, kristen. thank you, friend!
This was exactly what I needed to read this morning. Beautiful words, beautiful truth. My heart is now fluttering with both the acknowledgement that I am not alone with these feelings AND a strong and gentle sense of hope.
THANK YOU.
i am SO glad to hear that, christina. so glad.
…there is beauty in the broken, in the thread bare and in your vulnerability.
sigh… thank you, karen.
Alece, this is beautiful. I struggle with the same things – am struggling with them right now. I want to be more transparent, but I’m not sure how to do that. How do you go about exposing your heart when people might not like what they see? They could reject it. People have rejected it, and that makes it harder. And there’s always the underlying thought: if they knew everything about me, there’s no way they could love me. Yet that’s what I crave, what we all crave. Real, deep love that doesn’t hide or stay silent.
the fact that we have experienced that kind of rejection is what makes it hardest for me. there’s a trust factor involved, and it feels like the hardest kind of risk. so hard…
I remember many drives to church or to visit family that went quite the same way as what you describe..how nothing added up when parents teach “don’t lie” and in the next breath expect you to do just that to keep up their faulty facade.
Authenticity has been a journey for me and still is…I crave people to know the real me but at the same time I am the one with the walls that prevent just that.
You are not alone.
“I crave people to know the real me but at the same time I am the one with the walls that prevent just that.” YES. i know exactly what you mean…
Yes, this is a constant battle. To remind myself that not being the real me puts all my relationships in a precarious place – because if I’m not being the real me, who is it in that relationship? Who I think I’m *supposed* to be? And what good is that, if the real me is locked up tight inside, silent and lonely?
What I find myself battling most is the fear – fear that the real me is unlovable, even unlikable–unworthy. So flawed or boring or ugly that if I show the real me, I’ll end up silent and lonely. Even the knowledge that these are lies doesn’t always keep them at bay.
I think that’s where we all come in, for each other. It’s where you came in for me, Alece. One of the first things you ever said to me was that I deserved love, and I’ll never forget it. And I say it now to you – you deserve love, not just for your realness and your vulnerability, but because of the real, wonderful you. I’m so grateful to be part of a community that wants to see and love one another in this way.
I wish I could “like” this comment!
wow, sharone. i got goosebumps to hear that you remember that. and how impactful it was. thank you for reciprocating the same timely words for me. just beautiful…
I always wanted a velveteen rabbit. A lot of my friends had one growing up, and I was somewhat jealous. They’d hold their rabbits close and although worn; they were beautiful. I remember my friend Molly had a velveteen rabbit that smelled like cotton candy.
Reading this made me not only remember my childhood, but I really FELT your words.
You deserve to be loved for just being you.
I appreciate and respect everything you share, and I send you love today.
God bless you Alece!
i’m smiling at the thought of molly’s stuffed rabbit that smelled like cotton candy…
thank you for your encouraging words. really.
Dear Alece,
I don’t remember how I stumbled across your blog, but I very much appreciate this post today. Thank you. Keep writing about the hard things, it is life-giving.
Jana
“life-giving”. wow, that made my eyes fill. thank you, jana.
I find some times I like hiding behind not being vulnerable. It’s easier. People won’t judge me, won’t think I’m lying or making things up, etc. Some days it’s easier to strap on the mask than it is to take it off no matter how heavy it is.
so true. taking off the mask is so much harder than keeping it in place…
love and appreciate you, landini.
I hide, too. I am good at pretending that things are okay when they really aren’t. It’s a skill I mastered growing up. Things aren’t always good and peachy at home, but you don’t let others know. Things are hard and mom and dad can’t handle their own emotions, so you don’t need to bother them with yours. It’s a sad state of mind, but when you learn to overcome it, it’s so refreshing. Thanks for the honesty…always nice to see that I’m not the only one who has experienced these things.
appreciate hearing a bit of your own journey with this, courtney. thank you.
I love your heart so much! I always say you are better at vulnerability than you give yourself credit for. you are great at being you – even meaning the you still being figured out. You always bring your questions and wounds to the table. you bring the hard and the messy because that is reality for everyone. We would never keep reading a book if everything was wonderful and flawless. It is the mess and flaws that make a person great – and a real person.
I love loving you! I love the you i know. I love the real you that doesn’t have it all together or figured out. You always give permission for others to do that as well you lead first. I love that we can be messy together and that be more than okay. A huge gift to me.
thank you for the risks you constantly take in being real with me. i love and cherish the gift of “just you”. and i so value the ways you make me feel safe to be “just me” in return. i love you, my sweet friend.
There’s a family at our church that does this. I struggle with confronting the reality, asking a teenage girl that obviously doesn’t want to talk about it if she’s ok. Should I, or should I let her be silent on that subject and just offer her a hug?
I used to be that teenage girl pretending everything was not only just fine but great. thankyouverymuch, I can tell you the I desperatley needed & wanted someone to reach out to me. A youth pastoe did when I was 15 and stuck with me through the long haul… well into my 20′s. I can honestly tell you I would not have survived those years if God had not sent him into my life. If you feel God telling you to reach out to her, please, don’t ignore Him.
just thinking through what would have made me feel i could talk about it with someone… reach out to her with love and friendship. be intentional to talk with her, to spend time with her. maybe invite her to join you for a meal or a coffee date to connect more. as she sees you genuinely interested in who she is and you make yourself available to her, you will have the platform to ask hard/real questions. and you will have earned her trust enough for her to feel comfortable to answer honestly…
I was that girl too, and I think a few people did try to reach out but I was too afraid to be real with them, and they let me be. Now I wish I’d had the courage, and they’d been more persistent. So yeah, please, show her you care, offer the hug, and even if she pushes you away keep on showing and offering. She may or may not get to the point where she can be real with you now, but maybe she will remember and appreciate it when she does get there.
yes and amen.
so proud of you, friend!
thanks, tamster. love you.
Wow. Yes here too. And you are loved.
thanks, michelle…
I think one of the painful things about authenticity is that people speak as if they value it, but then don’t like it when they get it. I don’t think we start out defensive, I think we’re stung so often that we just pull back. At least that’s been my experience. (I didn’t come from a home or family that suppressed authentic emotion–we had our issues, just not that particular one. I didn’t encounter this until I was older.) I faced it a lot with my grief after losing my parents. People said they were there to help you, wanted to be there for you, were there if you wanted to talk…but very few meant it–especially when they got a glimpse of the “real” grief. I think people just don’t like authenticity in the negative–they love true joy.
you’re right. it can be hard to handle people’s authenticity… and the mishandling of it only makes us offer it even less. it seems rare to find someone trustworthy to hold our hearts gently…
Well done Alece. Reminded me of a lyric I wrote:
she learned and she learned well/how to sit still and be quiet/that little
girl was living her own hell/ (Song is ‘She Cries’ you can find it on my web site)
Anyway, I as well went through a difficult childhood where ‘covering up’ was a close
relative that I wanted nothing to do with. I remember taking a swift slap to my left cheek
for challenging the familiar broom that swept everything ‘not beautiful’ under our proud family rug. Good news comes in the words of Romans 8:28
I’m with ya Sistah!
love those lyrics, robin!
With “authentic” being my #OneWord2011, this post hit a very deep, tender part of my heart. This is amazing, beautiful, heartfelt, and overwhelming confirmation that the walk I am with God is RIGHT where He wants me. I struggle with stepping into authentic and then hiding when I start to feel “too much”. It’s a daily dance. Thank you so much for your honesty, your transparency, and your heart. I am so thankful.
i am so glad to hear that this was confirmation to you of where you’re at on your journey. God is faithful…
“present-tense authenticity”
I love that. So freaking good, Alece. You are awesome, even when you can’t see it.
thank you for that smile, tony!
Dang. Yes. Ouch. Psalm 121 Psalm 51:6. Amen.
yes! “truth in my inmost being”… so good.
One of my favorite authors says, “what if I could be known just as I am and be loved more, not less in the telling of it.”…
It’s what I think God does with us. It’s what I think He longs for us to do with others.
As long as I wear a mask, it is my mask that will receive the love, not me. It’s not being real that I struggle with, it’s finding others who want to be real too.
Great post, Alece
such good words, julie. thank you!
Amen, Alece. I can relate to where you’re coming from – the learning to put a smile on for church, the past-tense authenticity being okay while the present-tense is not. I get it.
Beautiful post.
it means so much to know this resonated with you, mandy. thank you…
Some good, good stuff here girl. <3
thanks, ari!
I hear you, but most important of all He hears you.
I asked of the Lord the other day what is a lie that I believe in the core of my being and he said, “It is the lie ‘I am not enough’.” Then I saw how I had passed that down to each of my four children and I imagine I put that on my ex-husband, too.
I am enough just as I am.
You, also, are enough.
wow, darlene. your words were so perfect for my heart. that is a constant struggle of mine — feeling not enough. and i so badly want my heart to believe His truth: i am enough because I AM is enough. thank you for reminding me today.
I wrote myself a note and posted it on my bathroom mirror. It says, “You are all I need. I am enough for You right where I am.” I plan on posting it other places around my house as well. I need the constant reminder.
love that.
Thank you Alece. This was very encouraging to me; I’ve been re-learning lately how to “be me”, and in that process, discovering that some people (who I considered to be close friends) didn’t like who I really was.
It’s time to stop playing 2nd violin in my own life and be who I’m supposed to be.
i struggle with playing 2nd violin in my own life as well. and i feel in lots of ways that i don’t even know how to figure out who “just me” really is. (like the Runaway Bride who didn’t know how she liked her eggs cooked…) but even the me i don’t fully know yet is fully known and loved by Him. and wow. that is such a freeing thought.
INCREDIBLY WRITTEN.
You owe me some tissue.
The line I want to be threadbare and worn sent me to a spot I wasn’t expecting, but I am glad I was alone; able to journal and sip some chai and write how those words struck me.
Thank you FF!
love hearing that, FF. thank you!
I think of being the thread-bare velveteen rabbit who was put in brand new packaging. Take me out of the box and I’m terrified that I’ll get tossed aside for someone “better.”
I thought I was doing well with being authentic until I moved to the other side of the planet. Then when conversations with friends are fewer and farther in between I’m scared talk about the hard things because I don’t want them to think I’m not okay. And with the other foreigners here, there are so few that projecting that things might not be okay…makes me afraid they’ll run and no one will be there.
i totally get that. it seemed like my struggle was magnified during my years overseas (for all those same reasons). praying for you today, melissa.
“So I learned to be authentic in past tense. To speak of what I’ve overcome, how much I’ve changed, what I used to struggle with. But past tense authenticity isn’t really authenticity at all, is it? The present tense, bare-boned kind is vulnerable and exposing. Naked, with nowhere to hide. Just me, broken and battered.”
I wrote something similar words recently. I am so good at sharing how God has worked and my past struggles but the moment I experience present-tense pain, I retreat from friends and family. I tell myself that they don’t need to hear the same old story or see me cry or they won’t really want to listen. I rob them of the opportunity to be there for me, to do life together, over and over again. I’m realizing that I’m not OK with that anymore and so carefully, slowly I’ve been opening up to my inner circle in the moment. It’s awkward and I don’t like it and yet it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself.
loveloveLOVE hearing a bit of your journey with this, leigh. you put words to so many of my own fears, and held out hope for different. thank you.
Happened to stumble along this blog today. Thank you.
so glad you did, julie.
Me, too.
YES.
That is the challenge. To be authentic about now, not just about what it is we’ve overcome. And to be loved in the midst of now, in the midst of all that we don’t have figured out.
Thank you so much for sharing Alece!
“to be loved in the midst of now”… that is exactly it. thank you, haley!
Why, I wonder, is it so hard for us to be really real when we’re at church? What is it about our teaching, our understanding of scripture or faith or God, that wants us to stay inside a nice and tidy box, wear our very prettiest smiles and stay about 1/2 inch deep? Surely even a very cursory examination of God’s word does NOT show us people being shallow OR people who hide their real selves from God or even from one another. So then…how can we help the churches we are a part of to heal from this untruthful and distrustful way of being with one another? This post is a great step in the right direction – as are all of these comments.
It is true that sometimes we do need that mask, that persona we put on to present ourselves to the outside world – it’s how we function in day to day obligatory and contractual relationships. But why the heck do we carry that over to the church? May the light of God’s truth work its way into our hearts and release us from the lies and fears that so badly entangle us! I remember going to visit an ‘open’ AA meeting as part of an assignment for a class in seminary and being absolutely astounded by the level of honesty and real empathy being experienced around that circle. I thought to myself, “Why isn’t the church more like this??”
Maybe the anonymous part helps a little bit – first names only! But the rules of conduct for that meeting were helpful as well – everyone gets to tell their truth and no one can advise or try to fix anything, just affirm the truth-telling. Wow. That hit me hard. Listen well, affirm truth, don’t give advice, don’t fix each other. What we can so wonderfully add in church settings is prayer – with and for one another. And we can add grace. In fact, we can start there.
Thanks so much for this powerful writing, Alece. You’ve hit a very important nail right on its sad little head.
i love the way you applied the “rules of conduct” from AA to the church — a huge yes and amen to that!
yep. you made me cry.
as much as i did not like the book captivating, i must say that the words “too much” and “not enough” stuck with me from it. struggling to get over my i’m not enough and never will be to where i can tear down my walls. to be okay. yet i feel like i battle the you’re too much when i strip myself of my layers and walls. i find my foot in my mouth because there i go speaking/mulling/pondering truth and people don’t like it…the push back and the we don’t want to go there–we want to stay in our pretty little fake houses with easy christianity without looking at the hard questions. and then when i am real about okay here’s my junk then the responses mostly range from “okay that’s too much go talk to a counselor about that” ha or a silent awkward “ummm” or the lovely cliche well god is good. which yes He is… but…my heart just longs to be held. to be held and not thrown away, not trampled, not left behind, not abandoned. to be home.
oh katy… this was beautiful. i think the greatest response i can receive to some real honest heart-felt venting is to know i’m being heard, truly listened to, and then to feel that my heart is being held gently… it is a rare gift when that happens…
Alece,
Wow, this is exactly my experience. My parents drug me to church every time the doors were open, kicking and screaming all the way. I was so not into the happy face thing.
I am learning now that God is not disgusted with our humanity. He sees us for who we are loves us just the same. It is so hard to be yourself and not plastic shiny people that the world wants to see.
“God is not disgusted with our humanity”… so much truth and freedom in that statement. thank you, cindy.
Wow, I could have written this. The “happy face”, “I’m fine”. Things I still do to this day. Thank you so much for writing this. I know now I’m not alone in this.
i am all too good at this… my go-to is “i’m okay” because i’ve found that most people won’t dig deeper than that. learning to make myself answer more honestly than that with a few trusted, close friends…
I LOVE this article! Thank you for sharing, this resonates deeply!
so thankful to hear that!
I don’t even know you in “real life” (yet) and I already love you for your raw and your willingness to be transparent.
oh goodness. thank you, idelette! that means a lot.
I feel you here. I want to be loved because I am real, but I worry that my real will make people not want to love me… because it’s too hard, too messy, etc…
I might not be able to control how other people choose to love, but I my self can choose to love this way.
Alece, the more I get to know you the more I treasure you as a sister in Christ. For all your grit, you are loved. (cheesy, but true!)
wow, aaron. thank you so much. really.
to be loved, and known the way we are is so beautiful. fully known. beautifully said. i am so thankful to be part of a community, a church that strives for this very kind of velveteen rabbit authenticity. where I can be myself and be loved, and yet be challenged to become more like Christ without abandoning who I am. i don’t have any pretty words to add. just that i like this
wow. to be a part of a church community that honors honest authenticity is no small thing. what a beautiful gift, lorijo.
I remember the Velveteen Rabbit story. It’s so sad… =(
Love how you connected the story with this one =)
thanks, kyle.
Absolutely beautifully written! Thank you for being REAL. We need so much more of that in our world today. “Real” is where we meet God and connect to others. May we all step out in faith and be authentic today.
thank you, cindee.
Yes. Present tense authenticity. I find I can be past tense authentic with a few my here and present friends, and present tense authentic with some of my far away friends from the past, but it’s almost impossible to be here and now real with the people who are here and matter to me now.
I’ve been meaning to blog on this topic and I hope it will be ok to link here when I do…
of course.
and you worded that struggle so well. i completely relate to that.
Posted. And speaking of relating, reading your post, I heard my mother’s voice shouting: “I don’t know what you are crying about but you better stop it right now and get in the van or we are leaving for church without you!”
sounds all too familiar, nicki…
BEEEAUTIFUL post! I just came across this and the other day read another blogger on authencity. And after looking over the comments here, it must be a subject on everyone’s mind. Thanks for fleshing out these thoughts into words to encourage us all.
love when you can see/hear God whispering the same thing in people’s hearts… just amazing…
Simply beautiful. I wish I could say I can’t relate…but, that wouldn’t be authentic. It scares me to death as well…but, it’s what I crave. Thank you.
i’m just in awe of how many people this resonated with…
The most beautiful thing about this post is that you are loved beyond measure by the God who created you and sent His Son to die for you. He loves you without conditions- he knows every hurt you feel and every fear that makes your knees quake. Let Him love you.
Real is scary. Women judge other women sometimes ruthlessly. The weird thing is, when we reveal our true hearts we realize that we are not alone. So many women carry around private shames, hurts and fears. If we would only be brave enough to share with each other, as you did here, we would find so much support and healing.
God bless your journey.
you are so, so right, nancy. thank you for joining the conversation here.
Love & appreciate your writing.
thank you so much.
Alece,
I am afraid I am way too authentic for people and they don’t like it.
I don’t know how to be anything but who I am, and yet, I apologize all the time for who I am. Why? Because I have been rejected time and time again. I fear being around people. I put my heart out there all the time, and now it is fragile, it is broken, torn to shreds, and I haven’t figured out how to fix it.
There is so much turmoil in my heart right now, I cannot find the words to express how deep it is.
I feel like I am laying exposed, open, vulnerable……. I long for love and friendship……
I too like someone else wrote, decided a long time ago that I would never live fake. Now I wonder what that cost me? I am so confused…. and I am facing the largest giant ever in my life….. how do I learn to trust others?
I honestly don’t know how. So I spend way too much time at home. Way too much time glued to my computer, hoping for any kind of contact, because contact in person scares the crap out of me! This is not a joke, this is really serious.
We are supposed to go visit family and friends in a week and a half and I am having a meltdown. I am crying every day as I put me out there asking to spend time with these people who are so precious to me, and I hear back, “Hmmm, not sure I have time for you.”
I am wounded!
my heart’s heavy for you tonight, anna. do you have a pastor or counselor who can help you process through all this ache in your heart? i think it would be so helpful for you to have someone to walk this road with you…
Sadly, no I do not. I am fearful to. After I wrote up this post, and pressed send, I became fearful of my honesty…. my wide open heart, again, put out there for the world to see. I fear others will think I am looking for attention, or am just being crazy, or something. I am just being real.
Alece, I KNOW that I need to walk through this, and I KNOW I need someone to hold my hand through it. I just need to find someone I can trust. Maybe at our new church, I am going to ask. Thank you. You could pray for me. We are going to Michigan for a week the first week in April. I am hopeful it will not be near as hard as my imagination is telling me it will be.
praying for you and your heart dear. it’s so hard to trust for me too and yet it’s so vital to have people walking with you…even at different levels and sometimes just walking in the little things until they have built up that trust to walk in the big things. and i agree with alece…sometimes if there isn’t anyone obvious then a pastor or counselor is a great place to go to find someone to walk with you. love your authenticity and praying praying for your heart.
i am so glad you found a new church… and i am definitely praying for you. and specifically for your michigan trip in a couple weeks.
though you don’t feel it, you really are enough…
After a long and terrible marriage where I did all I could to hold it together, i often wonder if this is how my children felt….it makes me think, and it breaks my heart
do you feel like it’s a conversation you could initiate with them?
Found your blog last night on Lisa Williams FB page and wanted to say it was a timely read. This entry hit home on how the enemy uses the hurts we receive when we are being transparent to shut us down and isolate us. Though our griefs are from different circumstances, I could relate to the pain that comes about when we are hurt for simply being honest. This convicted me to take off the mask I had put on months ago. May the Lord bless you abundantly and shower you with His matchless and unending love.
so appreciate your words and your heart, cheryl. thank you.
my darling frass, i love you for the YOU of you.
and i love YOU, my fritz. always and always.
Amen! That is soooo hard! I learned to live a double life too, hiding sexual abuse, alcoholism, etc. When you have to play pretend with the family member who abused you, knowing everyone knows and yet they all seem to be okay with it can really mess with your mind. It certainly convinced me that I was not lovable, worth fighting for, important, and let satan sink his teeth and claws in to convince me that I was useless, unimportant, stupid, etc. As I got older, I learned to stop lying about how I was and what had happened to me. I remember how upset my mom was when as an adult, she found out my best friend knew about the sexual abuse. I’m so thankful for the place God has brought us to now. Complete healing and forgiveness. Thank you Jesus! I can be authentic because he’s super gluing the pieces back together.
Blessings,
Mel
Please feel free to stop by: Trailing After God
wow, mel. thank you so much for you sharing this bit of your journey… for holding out such strong hope of healing and wholeness…
gr8 article! thanks!
thanks for stopping by!
“But past tense authenticity isn’t really authenticity at all, is it?” I love that.
People always talk about “being real” and how they despise “fake” Christianity, but when people are brutally honest about their issues, burdens, whatever, other people see it as awkward and try to avoid the conversation. I’ve been guilty of it many times. Thank you for a great message.
i’m guilty of that too. not knowing how to respond can feel really uncomfortable. i need to get better at simply listening. feeling heard and held is so matchless…
wow. this describes my entire interaction with the local church today. Every Sunday is time when masks are put on, and the entire church family thinks that we are a wonderful, put together family. The sad and unfortunate truth is that it is the exact opposite. Sunday after Sunday as I grew up, I would walk into church, and hope that I would be seen for who I really was. I longed for my identity to not be wrapped up in who my family is. At the young age of 23, I’m just figuring that out. I have chosen to move to a church where I am loved for who I am, and I can be real and authentic. The challenge is there to be just that. It is so hard sometimes to be real when all my life I have hid behind a facade. I’m patiently waiting to see what kind of beauty comes out of the ashes. Thank you so much for your authenticity, Alece. It is wonderful encouragement.
wow, nate. thank you so much for putting your heart out there…
it’s all about leaving those little pieces of your heart in small nooks of this space we call the internet. It’s a journey and we’re never done learning.
I feel fake when I pray aloud in a crowd and I sound much more spiritual than I feel or than I am when it’s just me and God and I pretty much just beg Him to somehow help me be what I’m supposed to be, because I know I’m not.
I feel fake when I sing a song of worship and my heart can’t commit to it because I’m frustrated at the pastor or fighting with my wife or I yelled at my kids or I haven’t been a good employee all week.
I wear a mask when the church looks to me as a leader and I know that I can’t even settle my own questions and confusion about God let alone be someone for them to look up to.
I feel like an absolute fraud because I don’t know if God really created all this in six days or not and I know that is a bedrock of many Christians’ faith.
I teach a Sunday School class of teenagers and know that at their age I was a total hypocrite yet I somehow ask them to not be one.
I tell kids and adults alike to beware the dangers of alcohol and I hate the stuff because it destroys lives, but sometimes I wonder if it’s really a mistake to live life like that.
I feel like crap about the fact that I’ve never, ever, ever, really led someone “to Christ”. I have no evangelism merit badge. I probably should feel bad about the fact that I don’t feel even worse about it.
I wear masks because I’m convinced, even certain, that no one wants me to be honest. No one, admittedly, wants to know that I’m lying, but they want to think I’m being truthful when I lie. They don’t want to know if the heart is still wicked. They don’t want to hear about the temptations, the slip ups, the willful sin (gasp), the desperate need for Jesus, for a Saviour, EVERY DAY. They want me to have it all together, and I don’t.
Not at all.
thank you SO much for your honest thoughts here, bernard. i know i feel so many of the same things, and i’d imagine many others do as well. thank you for being real right here in this space.
heavy. brave. and more common than most would have you believe.
wow.
Oh, Alece, how you and I are so very similar… I, too, struggle with being authentic. I’ve been blessed to be able to be authentic with a few. Unfortunately, I have found that it isn’t very easy to be authentic with others for different reasons. I am praying for you, me and anyone else who struggles with being real and authentic.
Much love and blessings to you!
i so value the small group of friends i can be completely me with…. what a priceless gift.
I guess it wasn’t just my family having that discussion every week . . .
amazing how we can feel so alone in something that so many people actually feel…
Nathan and I have the same family so I guess our stories are pretty darn close. I left the church I grew up in after 20 years because of having to put on that mask. I finally couldn’t take it anymore and was frustrated with people choosing to believe the mask even after they were shown authenticity. That’s not the way the church should be and it breaks my heart that many times it is like that. Slowly, I’m beginning to learn how to be honest with others and with myself, especially not letting myself begin to believe the mask.
“not letting myself begin to believe the mask”… that is so powerful, hannah. i think we can so easily start to deceive ourselves…
I am late to the party in reading this but oh my gosh did it hit me square between the eyes!! My life suddenly looks nothing like it did just 6 short months ago (divorce, new job, moving, etc), which has caused me to re-evaluate EVERYTHING in my life and I am realizing that I have been living life as “Fake Leslie” for most of my 31 years on this earth. A smile on my face, but pain in my eyes. Being strong for everyone around me, so that I don’t have time to face the mess inside my own life.
Knowing that someone else, somewhere, is feeling the same thing gives me hope…and helps me to be real with myself.
I am one of your Twitter “friends” and as always, your words are very beautifully delivered
“but pain in my eyes”… i have always thought that if you look closely enough, you can see in a woman’s eyes how well a marriage really is. and i’ve often wondered why no one could see it in mine…
Oh honey, yes. This:
“Deep down, I want to be Velveteen-Rabbit real: threadbare and worn, and loved even more for it.
But I despise my own frayed edges, torn limbs, matted fur, missing whiskers. Afraid that if anyone really saw me for who I am, there’s no way they would love me… There’s no way they could love me…”
i get that. absolutely. To be loved for the beauty that comes from brokenness and not in spite of m brokenness. Your words resonate with me.
thank you, sweet frelle….
I barely know you, and yet I think your well on your way with a post such as this. This is real.
somehow just seeing this… thank you, sweet friend.
Wow. That’s all I can say is: wow.
still trying to live this out… so much harder than i wish it were…
I am grateful to have read your story this afternoon. I pray you continue to write with such rich emotion. I don’t know you, but it was as if you were reading it to me without even knowing the sound of your voice. I love your style of writing. Like me it seems that you write hurt and I think that is a good place to write from.
your words were unexpectedly just what my heart needed to hear. thank you for the encouragement, jennifer.
Wow, I’m thankful that this made the blog’s one year list. For me it wasn’t fighting on the way to church, it was the fights about my hair or what I wore before school. It was nights of going to look for older siblings who had run away again. I saw such sadness from all sides and just wanted to fix it.
I’m trying to be okay with not being able to “fix” what is going on with my body & brain, but that desire runs deep in me. Sometimes it keeps me going and other times I wish I could just land in some kind of blissful ignorance.
Alec,
Cheers to you and how brave you are to share this! It’s reassuring and equally sad that I was not the only one who experienced the Sunday morning madness and yes, swatting was putting it lightly. I associated church with anger, rushed elegance, clothes that were horribly uncomfortable, tears and YES the fake smiles that I still can’t pull off to this day-for years!! I despised church for this reason. Mainly because i’d look around and no one else seemed to have just rolled out of the vietnam-on-wheels-experience we just did. Again, thank you for sharing-somehow this makes my lonely little angry girl in the pew of the past feel better. I honestly was just scouting for an image of velveteen rabbit- my all time favorite book and came across your blog entry. thank you alec.