Sun streamed through the window, tempting me to forget about Illinois’ chill. Even so, I wrapped a scarf around my neck and pulled my coat on as we prepared to leave the restaurant. She did the same, as her daughters danced around her feet.
I joked about my upcoming birthday and said it would be my Jesus year. We laughed and then I acknowledged while some people take that concept seriously, I did not- but it sure was fun to say. She was putting her daughters’ coats on by this time and I had my purse in hand. We figured out we were the same age.
We began moving toward the door and I can’t remember what else we talked about because my mind was swirling with revelation. This new friend of mine was the same age as me. I’d thought she was older, though not by much. Why was that?
She was married with children, owned a house, and worked full-time in a respectable profession. All very grown-up things.
And then there was me. Single, childless, renting, and unconventionally employed. Age and Master’s Degree aside, I lack the markers of adulthood.
Until that moment, however, I didn’t realize I associated certain states with that of a grown-up.
Sometime in my 20s I accepted the fact that I’d never feel like my age. I am blessed (cursed?) with a youthful appearance so I’ll never look my age either. When you’re growing up, adults seem to have it all together. I never feel how I imagined I’d feel by the time I reached 25, 30 and so on. I now know the adults I idealized in my childhood likely felt the same way. An ideal rarely holds up.
I long assumed I’d go to college, get a job, get married, and then have children. That’s what adulthood looked like to me, though there were a few outliers. As the years have passed and marriage and children haven’t followed, it made sense I wouldn’t feel my age because those things were so intrinsically linked.
This is not to say I am stuck in some stunted juvenile state. I work, I’m responsible, I’m engaged in my community, and I’m an innate caregiver. In many ways, I am very much a grown-up and I’ve been struck by that fact many a time this past decade.
But here was my same-aged friend living out what I equated to be the grown-up life. It was eye-opening to realize she felt the same way as me- not quite how she imagined she’d feel at 32.
It’s funny to say brunch with a friend made me realize I’m a grown-up, too. Now. As I am. I don’t believe singleness makes me less of a person but every once in awhile I’ll find an unformed thought lurking in the corner and have to undo the poor theology that put it there.
Next week I’ll turn 33. I’ve loved my 30s and the way I’ve embraced who I am. I love my life. No apologies. But there’s still that disconnect between where I am and where I thought I’d be. It’s heightened every time I go back to my hometown and see friends living the life I thought I’d have. I feel a step out of sync.
I feel less of a grown-up in those moments. I question God in those moments.
A few hours after brunch, I sat with a friend from college and we traipsed down memory lane. Where had time gone? What had become of the girls who stayed up until the wee hours and never let an adventure pass them by? We’re still those same girls and yet altogether different.
“I’m like a mother,” she said in amazement. I laughed and corrected, “you are a mother.”
I suppose we have all ideas about who we thought we’d be, no matter what life has brought our way. Our identity is ever evolving, for better or worse.
This year will definitely be my “for better.”
Aah! Beautiful! I follow your blog, and somehow this sounded like you before I realized it *is* you writing!
Rachel, I love that you guessed it was me writing! What a compliment.
“I suppose we have all ideas about who we thought we’d be, no matter what life has brought our way. Our identity is ever evolving, for better or worse.” This is true for me, too. The adult “things” in my life happened earlier than I planned, and I’ve always felt like an impostor playing the grownup’s role. Because one marriage, two houses and three kids later, I’m still just me. Nothing magical happened to change that, and I’m only beginning to learn that this is okay.
Thanks for writing this, friend. Beautifully expressed.
Thank you, dearest. You don’t come across as an imposter to me. At all. It’s good to hear the ways you can relate to this.
I really relate to Amanda’s comment – I got married young and most of my friends my age are still single, but I don’t feel as old as I thought that I would. Like Amanda, I often feel like I’m playing house instead of actually living out my adult life. No matter what side of marriage, mortgage, or parenthood you stand on (not opinion wise, but state of being wise) you can still question your adulthood.
I am 20 years older than you are Leigh with all the markers of a grown up but at times I do not feel grown up at all. I feel that someone will come arrest me and take away my grown up status and tell the world that I have been pretending. I do feel what I do at times is all smoke and mirrors when someone is “impressed” by me. I don’t think the markers make one grown up or not. I would dare say we all have within us the makings of being grown up and the makings of being very much a child in this rocky world. I feel both at times and sometimes at the same point in time. I guess if you asked me what grown up meant; I would most likely would say that you “take care of your responsibilities” and “you act like you should” whatever they may be at this point in time. So the times I’ve felt like a child have been when I’ve been overwhelmed with responsibilities or screwed them up and acted not like I wished I would have.
This is good to hear, Mark. I wonder why we have this idea of what adulthood will look and feel like that is so far from reality.
yes. this. exactly. except i’m on the brink of the big 30th bday and it’s freaking me out for all the same reasons. i thought my life would look so different by now… i’d hoped to have accomplished more or be married with kids by now or… well, you know. thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone.
I remember being a little ambivalent about my 30th birthday. The year before I decided to embrace it, which worked up until about 2 weeks prior. I freaked out a little bit and then decided, “this is my life and I’m going to make the best of it.” Truly, my 30s have been amazing so far. It’s hard to reconcile what we thought would be and what is and I don’t think there’s a perfect way to respond to any of it. But you’re definitely not alone.
I’ve flirted with the idea of embracing it… but I don’t think I’m there yet
Fortunately I have some truly amazing friends who are making it a little bit easier. Thank you again for this post and for your response to my comment!
This is wonderful! I always pictured my ‘grown-up’ life as being married, and sometimes I wonder if other people view me as less of an adult because I’m not. I never thought about people who have already reached those milestones possibly viewing their life as different than what they imagined too.
In a week-and-a-half, I will be 35. A friend asked me if I wanted to go out to eat with a bunch of friends to celebrate. I told her I’m feeling pretty low-key, so maybe my friends could just come hang out at my house with me instead. NOW I know I’m a grown-up. Ha ha!
Such an eye-opening revelation for me as well and yet it makes perfect sense. If people view us as less of an adult for not being married, it’s a reflection on them, not us. Hope you have a wonderful time celebrating your birthday!
I work with teenagers… Whenever I don’t get their pop culture references, that makes me feel like a grown up!
Haha! That’s a good one, Michelle.
Thank you, thank you for this. I could have written it myself (though not as well!). As a single 32-year-old who’s an “adult” in every sense except the wife and mom part, it’s easy to become defensive about people thinking I’m less of a grownup (which some do). But I so appreciate the reminder that my friends who “look like” grownups probably feel the same way.
Oh, that defensiveness. I relate to that. There are definitely folks out there that think we’re less adult for not being married but they’re the exception to the rule. It’s been good for me to realize my married and parenting friends have similar doubts and feelings about adulthood. It helps them be more understanding of us, too!
Beautiful and honest, Leigh, as always.
Thank you, Sarah. That means so much.
I feel EXACTLY the same way!!!
Solidarity, sister.
Yes, you are dang grown-up in every way that counts! ( You could still pass for 18 if you tried.) But, I hear what you are saying here and feel the same myself time to time, except when I want to be NOT grown up.
Love you!
Haha! Thanks, Kim. Glad I pass the “grown-up test” for you.
Yep and yep. It’s an interesting process of redefining what our own personal definition is of “grown-up” as we push back against all those markers that other people have told us, and we have inferred, make us grown-ups.
Definitely an interesting process. Then again, there’s a lot of freedom in defining adulthood for ourselves.
“…every once in awhile I’ll find an unformed thought lurking in the corner and have to undo the poor theology that put it there.” OH MAN. THIS.
and all of it. as an in-betweener in lots of ways in my life right now, I both resist and crave the definition of what it means to be an adult, or to find a name for wherever I am right now. (I never imagined what life looked like much past 20.)
Maybe it’s ok for me to not feel like a grown-up yet (for now), but I have to watch for what I believe makes me whole.
Thanks for writing this, Leigh! grateful for your voice.
Ah, yes, the in-between seasons. It takes me right back to that gap between finishing my Masters and finding my first social work job, which didn’t happen until a year and a half later. Talk about not feeling like a grown-up! I learned soooo much about identity during that season.
I like your idea of watching for what you believe makes me whole. That is the ticket right there. Lovely hearing from you, as always, Antonia!
Leigh – I think being able to relate to other people and feeling socially accepted ourselves are built in to our human nature. If we could turn the clocks back about 100 years to a time when Christian standards ruled the day, I think we would feel much more at home and much more grown up – back to a time when virtuous singles defined maturity and everybody else were the ones who felt less than an adult and out of place. One thing that helps me is to put things into perspective. For example, I live every day of my life with a life-threatening genetic disease. It made getting my college degree harder and my working years more difficult. I have spent years of my life in the hospital. But nearly everytime I go in, I always meet somebody who is sicker than myself. By the grace of God, I’m still alive. Likewise, you’re in your early 30s, a beautiful talented girl, and never married. I’m 51, an average looking guy I think, and never married. I could be your dad. Most of my high school classmates are grandparents. I’m going to their 25th wedding anniversaries. So when you have those moments where you feel a step out of synch, remember there are some us who are . . a few light years out of synch. One thing that has helped me recently is connecting with other singles through the internet who are on this road and I can relate to. Even though I never married, never had a honeymoon, never held the hand of my child, never had sex, I know I’m living the life God wants me to live – whatever label society may put on that. Imagine the level of cynicism I’ve heard. I think of you as a very intelligent and mature adult. I encourage you to find other Christian singles who do not intrinsically link age with marital status and reach out to them.
Thanks for sharing your perspective, John.
Hey, you know what?? I’m . . . let’s see now. . . 35 years older than you are and I STILL have days when I don’t feel like a grown-up. It’s part of who we are, I think. Because life is never as we imagine it will be. In fact, it’s a whole lot richer – with both the unforeseen good and the unanticipated hard stuff. And as Madeleine L’Engle said more than once, we are always every age we’ve ever been – and having access to those ages is a big part of the writing life. So…you’re in a GREAT place, Leigh. Love your reflections on it all, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you, dear Leigh.
I love you, Diana. You are such a fount of encouragement to me. That is a great line from L’Engle, too!
PhD in keeping it real… Just saying.
When we had Ethan and prepared to leave the hospital with him, we had this moment where we asked, “Will they let us take him home with us?” We are both in our 30′s but we both felt like kids still. Ah, insecurity!
I also think that writers can struggle quite a bit too because our income is lower and our work less certain. I often sit at family gatherings comparing my income to everyone else–even my cousins who work as bartenders. It’s important to remember that I have a calling to write and embracing that calling is the only measure I need as an adult. Believing that is hard some days!
Oh, Ed. You and your PhD-giving make me smile. Good call on the struggle to legitimize our writerly callings while around certain folks. My family is supportive but I still get a few odd looks when extended relatives find out I’m not a practicing social worker anymore. Embracing the calling- that’s a good reminder.
YES. As a fellow Jesus-yearer who isn’t where she thought she’d be, thank you.
You are most welcome, Brenda.
Such true words! I think it is a gift: to keep on loving life and living it, regardless of our age or what life looks like.
Blessings to you!
It’s definitely a gift. Thank you, Katrina!
I was in my early 20s when I realized that grown-ups didn’t really have it all together. We adults are pretty good at concealing the ignorance, immaturity, and incompetence that plague various parts of our lives. Our shared pretense can easily produce insecurity in each of us, as we each think “Everyone else has it together, what’s wrong with me? Why am I such a sorry excuse for an adult?” Maybe if we remembered our shared lie every once in a while we’d be easier on ourselves…
Another factor in our insecurity is that adult life is so demanding. We are called to play so many roles and expected to excel at them, while having had little training or time to learn them all. Each of us is expected to be, in some significant measure, a nutritionist, cook, financial planner, driver, auto mechanic, handyman, housekeeper, pharmacist, communicator, spouse, and parent (among other things). The effect is compounded for singles living on their own, who tend to have less immediate support from others and can’t share these roles as easily. Modern, prosperous, individualistic western societies offer many opportunities, yet place a heavy burden on each of their members.
So, let’s cut ourselves some slack. We shouldn’t gloat about our deficiencies, but we can be thankful that in spite of them we’ve made it this far.
For any children and teens reading this: sorry to disappoint you. (We still can help you quite a bit, though, and you’ll be just as ready as we are for the grown-up club.)
Great perspective, Andres. Thanks for weighing in!
Beautiful. Even though I’ve only been reading your words for the past year or so, I can see a HUGE shift in you. You seem more grounded in your identity, more comfortable in your skin, more hopeful for what God has in store for you, and that’s so beautiful. I cannot wait to read more. These are inspiring words for a girl who doesn’t feel at all like an adult, even though my age reflects that I must have become one along the way.
Here’s to a new “for better” year
Lizzie, what a wonderful compliment that is! I’m so grateful you can sense that shift in me just through my writing. Let’s figure out what adulthood looks like together, OK?
I also look younger than I am. Although I’m 24, married, with a decent job, I don’t always realize I’m a grownup and others, especially ones who are just meeting me, definitely don’t think I’m a grownup based on how young I look. (I’ve had people see my wedding ring and get testy with me over the fact that an 18 year old is married) I’ve learned to accept things as they are and live in the season I’m in. Adulthood doesn’t have to look like anything in specific. Thanks for that reminder!
Leigh, I really loved this. It came at a very opportune time for me. I have been following your blog for a while but I just thought I’d leave a comment this time telling you how wonderful your honesty and deep thoughts are.
Most of the markers I thought would be sign marks of adulthood have not happened, or at least not the way I planned. However, I realized I was definitely an adult the first time one of my students called me Grandma.