I had no stark-raving mad teenage rebellion. No disgraceful rampages against my parents or authority. Nothing so shocking to write home about. I was the kid who would sit at summer camp and listen to testimony after testimony, and wonder if I had one at all.
Jesus didn’t save me from drugs or sex or a sordid past. I asked the question, time and time again,
What did he save me from, exactly?
“Tell your testimony, Andrea,” someone would say and I could give a curt, Jesus protected me from the mess, story, when really I didn’t realize that I was running headfirst into a self-righteous, works-driven mess that would alter the course of my life forever.
I didn’t understand that sin isn’t always something you do. It’s in our bones and blood like a parasitic disease, always hungry, always destroying, always hunched on the quiet outer limits. My pastor says it like this — our hearts have a sewage system running through them. Sewage is coursing through all of us. For some of us, the pipes burst. The mess is awful. But it’s still the same sewage that runs through the “good girl’s” heart.
I was the “good girl” and my pipes were about to burst open.
I sauntered into my 20s naive, bold, arrogant and in the Christian church public eye. A touring worship leader and musician, speaker at youth events, mentor of young girls, writer of songs and private as all get out, I had a great exterior. But internally, I was dying. Dying of trying to be good. Dying of asking all the questions but not wanting answers. I was racing toward burnout and did my best to always put my best foot forward. I was 21 when a 20 year old friend I admired and loved died of cancer. And I screamed hell at God from a dark Nashville hotel room. I weighed His will and decided it came up wanting. And in those short few weeks, I found God to be a cheat and a swindler, and tossed my trust of him out the window.
One year later at 22, I laid in a strange hotel room bed, and I realized that everything I had known about myself up to that point was broken.
No, not just broken. Gone.
It was as though I had crossed some dark threshold, and the former me was shouting at the other end of a long, twisted hallway. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. I had run off with a married man, broken the trust of my family, lost my ministry, and disappeared with him into a dark spring night. Me, the “virgin protected by Jesus” story girl, was now falling off the edge of a cliff from which I knew that even if Jesus did once care for me, he certainly didn’t or couldn’t anymore.
As my phone rang relentlessly for those who sought to find me, I cried and wished I knew how to be a better person. I cried because I knew I had gone too far. I cried because I was laying in the bed of my own sin, and I felt trapped. I felt sick to my stomach and tried to not give the man in the room a hint that I felt like I was dying. If it’s true that God lets us taste our own sin and feel the emptiness of a life without Him, I felt the weight of it in that hotel room.
People in full-time ministry shouldn’t have illicit affairs.
A virgin doesn’t throw away her pride in one night.
The good girl doesn’t do bad things.
But, oh, they do. She does. And I did.
I tell people the moment I had an affair was not when I kissed a married man. Or when I drove away from my best friend’s house, in spite of those begging me not to go.
The moment I had an affair was when I didn’t turn my car around. A friend of mine listened to me on the phone as I confessed to her the stir in my heart.
“You need to turn your car around,” she said. “You need to go home. Don’t go down this road.”
And all the time, while I helplessly and selfishly ran headfirst into an affair, Grace was already running headfirst toward me.
[This is part one in a three part series. I'll continue here at Deeper Story next month.]
I can’t wait to read more of this story!
Thank you Marilyn!
Bless you, dear one.
Love to you. Thank you for your kindness.
Thanks for being brave and vulnerable in front of a virtual audience. In my own way I very much understand this.
Thank you Laura. I’m not gonna lie – getting this story out was hard on my heart, but it was time. Thank you for your encouragement.
Oh, sweet friend.
I cannot wait to see this story unfold.
His grace is written all over your life.
Your redemption story is gonna bless people deeply.
I’m proud of you, my brave, beautiful friend.
Oh, friend, thank you. It’s only by His grace and to show His redemption grace that I can even talk about it. Thank you, dearly.
I cannot thank you enough for sharing this story. When I read the title I immediatly bowed my head and prayed. I knew this was something God had led me to read and I knew I needed to read it with an open heart and an open mind. I am on the other end of adultery. I am the one who has been cheated on. I am the one whose husband has woken up in a strange hotel room with a girl that was not his wife. I have prayed many times that God help me to see the best in her. I believe this story is part of that for me. Thank you for being so open and honest. I can’t wait to read the rest of your story. God is great and He is a healer and restorer of broken things. I am believing Him for complete healing in my life and marriage.
Wow, PL, thank you so much for your comment. I don’t know you but I know this side of the story too. Praying that you find grace for your heart and story today. God is a restorer and redeemer of things that might look hopeless to us. Praying for grace for you.
Thank you, Andrea.
Oh Andrea…you are so brave. I am so proud of you.
Thank you Christin for this.
I know that exact story well, sweet friend. Will be praying for your heart and these readers – that hope and healing may be found in the sharing of your amazing testimony of God’s grace and glory in you and through you.
Thank you Lindsey! This is my prayer too.
I know that exact story well, sweet friend. Will be praying for your heart and these readers – that hope and healing may be found in the sharing of your amazing testimony of God’s grace and glory in you and through you.
Wow!!!! you have such a way with words. We all have our struggles. And yes, we have to remember that a struggle is a struggle; we are no different in that aspect. What seperates us is how we grow as a result: and you are surely in a seperate group on that account!
Andrea, Andrea, you are healing wounds with your shameless truth-telling here. I pray we can all receive the gift of your story.
Thank you for your words, for your story. This was much needed in my life. I am struggling to accept the grace…one day I’ll can tell my own story. And hopefully it’ll help someone like yours has helped me.
Misty, my prayer is today that grace would cover you. It would seem that if we give it to God, no pain or heartache or mess goes unredeemed.
I have a tendency to create my own prisons, and your story helps me see that all too clearly. Thank you for this post and for the upcoming series.
Whoa, yes. That says it perfectly. Thank you Ed.
I love your bravery in telling your story to lead others to Jesus because of grace. I feel like we had a similar youth ministry. It wasn’t talked about how thoughts and desires can be sin and we ALL need grace. Thank you for sharing your story and I am excited to see how it unfolds.
Be blessed:)
Thank you for sharing your story. There is such courage breathed into every word. And there is healing too. Thank you for being so incredibly brave. You may never know the lives changed, hearts encouraged, and hopes rekindled by this single act of bravery. Blessings to you
Dear, dear one.
I look forward to reading the rest of this tale.
May your story break open prison doors and set captives free.
<3
I just want to applaud your bravery to allow yourself to be so vulnerable as you share your story. I will pray for God’s protection and empowerment to share this, because I know how difficult, how terrifying it can be. My story is strikingly similar, and while I know the fear and shame that can threaten to overtake as we allow ourselves to be laid open to the world like this, I also have seen the amazing amount of good that God can bring from our worst moments…good to both ourselves and others. Be strong and courageous sister!!!
Thank you for this encouragement Jessi!
You are brave to tell your story. I too once woke up and wished I knew how to be better. I jumped headlong into darkness and broke my life also. At the bottom of the pit I could see a pinpoint of light, far, far above; I had no idea how to get out. I look forward to hearing your journey. Be blessed with a deeper understanding of God’s love, as you bless others with your story.
Oh Robyn, I know that fall into the dark. I’m really grateful that God’s love is deeper. Thank you for sharing your heart here with us.
That was so incredibly powerful, and a story of God’s grace and mercy that I much needed to read today. Thank you for being so authentic.
Thank you for this. Your honesty. I am so glad for grace that was already running at you before you even left. Praise His name forever!
I remember the moment I decided to “not turn around.” I was 44, and I visually saw myself lifting up my leg and stepping over a fence. As I made that very conscientious decision to walk away, I also found grace walking toward me. And every day I count my blessings. I look forward to more -
Thank you Ronda for your story. Those decisions are never easy but the grace that meets us is amazing, huh?
Thank you for being brave. You’re making a way for the rest of us to whisper, then mumble, then shout our own stories–ugly and broken as they are. This is the Body of Christ, broken, together. Thank you.
I love. this. Love it. Yes.
I hated reading this. Because it hurts. Because it’s me. I need to read this. I need to turn my car around. Right now.
Oh C. I don’t know you but I *know you* because I remember. I remember feeling that inability to choose what was right. It felt so paralyzing. Praying for you today. Run away from the place you’re going. Run. Hide. Get away if you must. Make drastic decisions because here I am 8 years later and I PROMISE you, the pain is not worth the sin. And remember, God’s grace is bigger, stronger and more powerful than you could ever hope or dream.
Andrea, I appreciate your honesty and courage in sharing your story authentically. It gives us all the courage to share each of our own redemptive stories with our own struggles to glorify His work in our life. I look forward to reading the rest!
Thank you Jesse! I love that authenticity spurs more authenticity!
I am holding my breath for the rest of this story. I feel like i am living your life. I am not even in the car yet…but it feels so close…
Leah, don’t even get in the car. These choices happen in a million little baby steps. Knowing that you’re getting close is the first step to turning around. I’m praying for you to have strength to choose the path of Life today.
Thank you for baring your courageous heart in this space, Andrea. I needed to read your words.
Thank you! Your honesty, vulnerability, and courage moves me. I found this story convicting…. humbling.
The trap of appearing “good” is huge – even as a monk. (Maybe even especially as a monk) It makes my life and my view of God small. “Know Thyself” Thank you…….
Thank you Br Stephen. I am encouraged by your comment today.
Hard to read… I feel like I know some of parts 2 & 3 from the outside looking in, so I look forward to reading them from the inside….
Yes, those parts will be equaling as hard and challenging, but I’m hoping Jesus shines as the true hero and rescuer of the whole story in the end. Thanks for being such a good friend
“God lets us taste our own sin and feel the emptiness of life without Him…” such truth in those words. The emptiness is what is unbearable. For 8 months I felt it and knew what I was doing was so wrong. It has been a little over 2 months now and I am healing by God’s grace, but it is still such a struggle sometimes. So thankful for the way He leads me to what I need to hear when I need to hear it.
Bless you dear one. I am looking forward to the continued story.
Susie
What an awesome testimony of God’s grace sister! Thank you for sharing
I can’t believe I have to wait a month!!
So very brave of you to share this. I know all too well this dark side of faith and the grace and mercy God so unbelievably lavishes on us in our repentance. May your story break through to those who need to hear it. Looking forward to reading the rest of your journey.
Your telling of this is true worship. Amazing and miraculous. And really, He wants your heart most of all. He went to the depths to show you His love and allowed the sewage for this purpose. It’s truly radical grace. Beauty from ashes. All for purpose. Truly.
So with you here.
Wow! That was brutally honest, and encouraging. Thank you.
Wow, Andrea. What a powerful and very moving story. Kudos and many thanks to you for being brave and sharing it with everyone. Your raw honesty and transparency…well, they are just inspiring to me. You certainly have a testimony now. I can’t wait to read the rest of your story.
Much love to you, dear one.
Pam
Andrea,
I do not know you, I was brought here because I have a similar story of grace, and well of my life until I broke too. God is so good, and so faithful in His love and patience with us. I have found peace in Jesus and He has still blessed me with desires that I thought I’d lost when I gave up trusting Him. I am so happy, and full of joy for you in your confession and turn from sin, you are still a leader of women and your ministry is now your honesty and His faithfulness.
I look forward to hearing how God turned this story into His glory!
Always,
Melissa
Your words stir my heart more than you can know, Andrea. Thank you so much for sharing part of your story.
I saw the title and read…I typically don’t anything over a few lines! Captivating, your story will touch lives and change souls! Thank you for your faithfulness. What an encouragement to know God uses every morsel of our lives for his Honor and Glory.
Thank you Lisa! You have always been such a sweet encouragement to me. Much love to you.
I just found your blog. Amazing. Real. Raw. Brave. I can’t wait to read more of your writing & experiences. God bless you.
Thank you Jennifer.
Oh Andrea…I have walked this road you describe…and written of it too…SO much in common with you. And I am cheering as you boldly share–praying that God would shine the power of His love through every mended crack so that others may know there is NOTHING beyond the mercy of our God. So thankful for you and standing with you…
Thank you Jacque, for this kindred-ship and encouragement. Thank you.
Thank you for putting words to your story and sharing them. Without knowing it you have helped put words to my story…I too walked the path of self right-ness and pride, I too gave my virginity to a married man…I too have come to know the realness of forgiveness, that grace and mercy are true and those everlasting arms that are promised are real. Blessing to you for sharing your story
Jill – Thank you. I’m so glad that I gave you some words for your story as well. Our paths of life may vary, but the power of forgiveness and grace never gets old.
What courage and grace covered you as you wrote this, Andrea. You are a blessing to all who have read your story.
Thank you!!!! for sharing your this vulnerable story with us…can’t wait to read more!
The car turned around yesterday. I am equal parts devastated and grateful that the other person turned it around. I didn’t have the strength to do it. But, it’s still too late. The pain and emptiness feel unbearable now. I believe God’s grace will meet me where I am, though I am so undeserving. Thank you for sharing this.
Oh Angie. I know this ache is deep and feels unbearable. I know, oh how I KNOW. But my friend, God’s grace and love is deeper and stronger than you could ever imagine. I’m praying for you and your heart today. Sometimes turning around the car feels a lot more like turning around the Titanic. But with small turns, small whispers of begging prayers, and with the grace of God, it can happen. Praying for you today. I have so much love for you in my heart and I don’t even know you.
Thank you. From the bottom of my broken heart. Thank you.
Andrea, Dear, as someone from your parent’s generation, I see so many children who were raised in Christian homes fall prey to sin. We clearly did not do a good job of preparing your generation for how to live for God in this fallen world. I know for my part, I set up boundaries for my kids that did not prepare them to deal with temptation once those boundaries were removed. Worse, yet, so many of your generation see Christianity as a set of antiquated rules rather than a beautiful God who loves us enough to die for us. So, please keep writing about His grace. That’s what it’s really all about.
Andrea,
My prayers are with you as you share this painful, yet so very important story with others. There but the Grace of God go I. For some its a moment, for others its a “slow fade”. I know far too many people who have chosen not to turn the car around and have to live with the dire consequences forever. Yet, I know the end of the story (somewhat) and know that grace is stronger than the lie that we are told. I pray that this may be a catalyst for others and that through this story other marriages are saved and renewed. Thank you (and Derek) for being willing to be vulnerable, to share the dark parts that we all have, so that other may find healing as you have. May God bless you and your whole family.
I’m with Marilyn up there – I can’t wait to read the rest of this story. It’s a tough one – but so beautifully told. Be blessed in the telling, Andrea. This is important.
Dear Andrea, I haven’t experienced the same exact struggle in the details as you have, but I do recognize from my own experience the sins of blaming God for pain and loss, not trusting him in times of suffering and confusion, and trying in my own power to earn enough “brownie points” to be good enough for God’s Kingdom instead of relying on God’s goodness in Jesus. We all feel an odd mixture of godly regret, sorrow and gratitude when we realize that we have a testimony about God’s grace only because of our sinfulness. Paul says that God’s grace abounds when we sin, and then he asks rhetorically if we shouldn’t sin more so that God’s grace might abound more. Of course the answer is no, God’s grace should motivate us to holiness, not to more profligate sin. But when we do sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the Righteous. Which is the point … we can’t come before God dressed in our own righteousness, which we sadly learn when we come face to face with God’s perfect holiness is “as filthy rags.” We have to humble ourselves, let Jesus cleanse us by His blood which we don’t deserve but which he freely gave out of love for us, and allow God to clothe us in the righteousness of Christ our Savior. Peter experienced grief when he denied Jesus the same night the Master was arrested. In his sinful pride, he tried to be true to Jesus in his own strength, but couldn’t do it, and so he fell into the sin of faithlessness. Isn’t it amazing how one sin leads to another? You are right that your sin didn’t start in the hotel room, but was eating away at you like a spiritual cancer long before then. Praise God that His grace IS greater than all our sin. To Him be all the glory for how he is working in your life, and may you know the blessing of God every moment as He heals your brokenness and gives you a ministry to other broken people. My prayers are with you as you draw near to the blessed Savior who died to redeem each of us from the pit of hell and raise us to new resurrection life in the power of His Spirit.
Hey Andrea! such a great story. One great thing about being God’s children- no matter how far down we fall, He always helps us up & direct the right path. Thanks for sharing. can’t wait to read the next part.