he sat in his closet while outside they played. the children laughed and played pretend marriage, holding each other’s hands and it was okay. it was okay for boys and girls to hold hands.
he sat in his closet at seven years old and prayed that he would be like them. that he would want to touch girls’ hands. but the feelings wouldn’t go away and every day he’d pray, fists bunched into balls and eyes scrunched and the world a big mess because God wasn’t real. for if he was, he wouldn’t create a boy who liked other boys and then call it a sin.
then one day, he came out of the closet, and he never went back. he had prayed his last prayer.
and he tells me this during lunch. he tells me while i eat ham on brown and feel very religious in my heterosexuality. my friend has epilepsy and he still likes boys but he’s never dated and he calls himself an atheist but feels like a sinner every day.
then one night he has epilepsy so hard it gives him a heart attack and he dies. he dies, at 26 years old. alone.
and i hide in my closet; i hide and i cry. i cry for fear of Christians finding me and learning i had a homosexual friend who was the most Christ-like person i’ve ever known.
{ 84 comments… read them below or add one }
Beautiful! I also had a wonderful friend was gay. His family disowned him. Eventually he killed himself. Many years have passed, 38, it still makes my heart ache.Eventually
so, so sad, friend…. my heart aches too.
There are no easy answers but I know God loves people whether they are heterosexual or not and God loved your friend.Also your friend was lucky to have you ,who ,as a christian loved him as he was and he felt secure enough within your friendship to share about his sexuality.We should love everyone as they are with Gods love and let God change them and not try and change them ourselves.I am so sorry your friend died alone,thats tragic.
thank you wendy, for reminding me that God is love. bless you.
Beautiful. Teary-eyed and more challenged than ever! Heard an interesting thing at church this last week: “It doesn’t matter how the world’s going to end if your friends don’t know Jesus.” We get so caught up in things that don’t matter sometimes and we build our sense of “I’m better than you” up so much that we lose sight of what it’s all about. Oh, that we would love one another (http://havemyword.wordpress.com/2011/09/18/oh-that-we-would-love-one-another/) with an everlasting love – gay, straight, atheist, believer, sick, healthy… that is all we need to do.
yes. that we would love one another. that is all that matters, no? thank you, friend.
I don’t have any words right now for this. Just wanted to stop and say I was here. I read. I had a tear or two.
thank you for reading. for your tears. xo
i am so sorry for your loss. When is the church going to get out the message that being
a homosexual is not a sin. The Catholics at one time had a whole ministry toward that
message. We can be as blunt about them living the lifestyle as us loving on them and
being part of the church together. We must get this message across to them. I dont
know what causes their condition, we dont have to understand it, we have to understand
what causes salvation for them,
“we have to understand what causes salvation”
yes! love this.
This is beautiful. Thank you.
thank you so much, phil.
In writing this beautiful tribute to your friend, you are letting “Christians” who may judge you know that you had a gay friend. So please realize that in truth, you are not closeted. You are very openly expressing your love for your gay friend. You are not letting him down.
I’m so sorry you lost him – at least in this world.
you don’t know what freedom i found in your comment, dear janet. thank you. xo
Just read this post and I cried.
This isn’t the way it was meant to be. And it’s not the way God wants it to be. Believing in God and trusting in Jesus as our saviour is all about freedom.
And so many of us christians get it all wrong. We think it is about all the “you shouldn’ts”, when it’s actually about grace and forgiveness and love.
Jesus loved your friend. And he wouldn’t have shunned him. He would have loved him and told him it would al be okay.
Lots of love to you. And thank you for sharing something so raw and painful. xxx
oh friend. thank you for your tears. they speak so much compassion… love to you. xo
Emily, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend, and I am so sorry that he felt like a sinner without a God. God knows how badly all of us need him, no matter what our closet prayers.
thank you, beautiful tamara. i’m sorry too. xo
{{emily}} thank you. this topic has been on my heart heavy. as i’ve continued my spiritual journey God has allowed me to walk in some unlikely shoes and my heart is broken, and weeps, and grieves over many things. i watched a documentary (streaming on netflix) called “for the bible tells me so” which shares the stories of many gay individuals and the way hate and rejection are justified using biblical text. i think you would appreciate this documentary, if you have a moment to watch it.
love to you.
that documentary sounds fantastic, rain. thank you. (we watch netflix regularly
) xo
More and more, I am convinced that as the Body of Christ, we get it so wrong sometimes! My heart aches for your friend and for you. There are no easy answers, but there should always be love — abundant, vibrant, lavish, real love — no matter what, regardless of the sin, maybe even more because of the sin. We are all broken, all falling so far short of the glory of God, but that’s why He came. There are no gradations of sin. Sin is sin. Period. But love covers a multitude of sins. How tragic that your friend didn’t feel that love, didn’t experience the deep, overwhelming, all-consuming LOVE of His Creator, because he felt he didn’t measure up. Praying for your hurting heart today, and for a greater love, a deeper compassion by the Body, for the Body. May God’s love fill His children and spill over among and between them — rich and deep and healing and true.
so well said, cindee. yes, we get it wrong… perhaps because we’re so intent on trying to get it right. maybe if we focused more on love, as you said, everything else would line up. xo
I imagine there are no closets in heaven. And your beautiful friend must feel so free.
Thank-you for this Emily.
Love,
E
I love that image, Erika – no closets in heaven. Beautiful and true.
no closets in heaven. i love this too erika. beautiful word picture. xoxo
what a beautiful response.
dear erika, what a gracious outlook. love this. love you. <3
This. This. This.
That we can bring heaven here to earth for our LGBTQ friends.
” . . . And every day he’d pray, fists bunched into balls and eyes scrunched and the world a big mess, because God wasn’t real. for if he was, he wouldn’t create a boy who liked other boys and then call it sin.” . . . These were pretty much the exact words my son said to me about himself and why now he “calls himself an atheist, but feels like a sinner every day.” Thank you for your post.
oh, how this makes me ache–that your son felt this too. i pray he will know he’s not alone. your heart is big and caring, friend. bless you.
Truth, so much truth here. It always boils done to this doesn’t it :: show love, be love, radiate love. What would Jesus do?
yes. that’s exactly what it boils down to, friend. beautifully said.
I have had, and do have some wonderful gay friends. One of whom , an amazing human being, who just also may be the most Christ like person I’e ever known, is Godfather to all our children.
Jesus never once mentioned sexuality in any of the gospels. He did however, have quite a bit to say on self righteousness, pride and bigotry.
Blessings Emily
xx
I have had, and do have some wonderful gay friends. One of whom , an amazing human being, who just also may be the most Christ like person I’e ever known, is Godfather to all our children.
Jesus never once mentioned sexuality in any of the gospels. He did however, have quite a bit to say on self righteousness, pride and bigotry.
Blessings Emily
Love you
xx
love you too, suzy, and your beautiful, accepting heart. xo
You might be interested to check out these 2 resources that go into greath lengths about Jesus and homosexuality. http://www.villagechurch.net click on flower mound campus and scroll down the resources library tab on the upper right hand corner. Within this tab click on articles. you’ll find a lot of helpful topics, one being Jesus and homosexuality.
Another good site is a ministry called Living Hope Ministries http://www.livehope.org
I encourage anyone struggling with this or know someone who is to just check out this site and see…
I don’t even have words. I’m just heartbroken for your loss, for His loss, for the loss of grace in the face of pain that you friend felt daily.
oh jen, me too. i’m heartbroken too. xo
As many others have said, I am so sorry for your loss and for your friend’s suffering.
There are so many whys in this life. So many things we’ll never have the answer to, but to respond with love while we work it out, that is our task.
love this: to respond with love while we work it out. YES. xo
Emily, you can slice me open in five paragraphs. I guess it’s because it’s truth to make us think. Thank you for sharing this deeply painful story.
thank you for giving me the freedom to do so, sarah. love to you sister. xo
This gave me goosebumps. I’m so sorry for the loss of your friend. It’s not as black and white of an issue as I was raised to believe it is, as your friend’s Christ-likeness beautifully exemplifies.
yes, so much more grey exists than i’d ever thought before, too. bless you.
Thank you so much for this, Em. Beautiful and true.
And I haven’t forgotten about your guest post either. Email me!
will do
Thank you. I wish more people could open themselves up to the pain that LGBTQ people go through because of “Christ”.
me too, friend. me too. xo
Thank you for sharing in your soulful way, E. I think if we all closed down our “trying to figure it out” shops we might find lots of extra time to love.
yes. let’s all stop trying so hard. i totally agree, friend. xo
Oh Emily. I just wrote a post about this very same thing last week. I feel God is asking His people to wake up and love like He loves.
i so agree!
i agree too, jeana! and i tried to find your blog but the link wouldn’t work… can you re-send it to me? xo
Emily,
This article is nothing more than beautiful. I love that you said so much in so few paragraphs, so powerfully.
I am very passionate about gay rights for reasons just like this. Growing up in a religious enviorment, I was never taught anything different than to just love people for who they are, no matter what. That’s all we’re called to do, truly. But it was the churches and youth groups I went to that taught me different, that told me being gay was wrong and disgusting. So, that’s what I believed for a long time.
Until I met my best friend, one of my soul mates, who is gay. I was so apprehensive about becoming friends with him on all the lies and disturbing stories I’d been fed growing up in very un-Christ like churches.
But as you said, the people that Christian society may deem un-Christ-like sometimes are the most opposite of that fact. I love him and hope every day more and more that someday he’ll get treated as fairly as he deserves in every area of life, not just in places where it’s ‘okay to be gay’, as I’ve heard it.
My heart hurts and is so heavy upon reading this about your friend. I am so sorry for your loss, Emily. Sitting here, tears running down my cheeks, I wish I could give you a big bear hug, some comfort for this. Because I honestly don’t know what I would do with myself if that ever happened to me. You are so brave to write that and I admire you so, for your bravery. I hope and pray for you and for anyone else who knew your friend.
- L
oh lauren… reading this now, and feeling your heart break. this world is so broken. how i ache for Jesus to return and give us all, gays and nons, one gigantic hug and say, “it is finished.” love to you sister, and your beautiful soul-mate friend.
My aunt’s partner killed herself because of the absolute rejection she experienced from her family.
How can we say that rejection is Christlike, ever? evereverever?
Thank you for this post.
oh, this hurts my heart. how i ache for your aunt’s partner. how sad, this world. love to you. xo
I got to know a lesbian gal in a Coffee Shoppe numerous years ago. She did not know I knew. One day she told me her story . . . she knew I was a Christian. At the end of her story of rejection and hardships and revealing herself, she asked me if I was going to also stop talking to her and look at her differently. I told her I had already known she was a lesbian. She was shocked. She said all other Christians ignored her – more-or-less spat on her. I told her I did not agree with her lifestyle, yet I knew what a wonderful Heavenly Father we both have that wants to fill her voids and love her. She told me I was the first Christian that liked her. It humbled me. I’ve not seen her in many years, but this reminded me of her – to pray for her again.
oh loni, you have such a beautiful heart. xo
Guess what? You have a gay reader too. Who has also found Christ, a supportive church, and loving friends. I am honored by what you wrote here, and your friend’s memory is honored.
Thank you for letting love open your heart. Thank you to all who have written words of compassion, who live out love for those different from yourselves.
From my perspective, there is nothing more important for salvation than that – true love without judgment. I just came out to a Christian friend and she embraced me wholeheartedly, and it was like a taste of Heaven. I cried with joy. I am one of the lucky ones, having found much more acceptance than condemnation, but still, I have lived with much fear. Keeping her friendship meant the world to me. I am sure your friend felt the same way about you.
Perfect love casts out fear. May we all experience love in our lifetimes that leads us back to the perfect love of God.
so beautifully said, friend. thank you for reading. for accepting me. peace, e.
His story just cuts me clean through. So much pain he must have carried. So sorry for your loss.
thank you dear stacy.
ouch. ouch, OUCH!!
(i know exactly what you mean)
love you girl.
Emily,
This is such a sad sad story. I read it and then I read it again with tears running down my cheeks. It’s such a cruel world we live in. How can we let people live such lonely lives then call ourselves ‘christians’(?). I’m so sorry for your loss.
Sheila x
i love your heart friend. xo
Truth is, we go to church with gay folks every week. I guarantee it. Odds are good that you have a gay friend whether they’re out or not. And whatever we wouldn’t say to a gay friend that we know we have, we shouldn’t say EVER.
We must understand this.
Thank you, Emily, for helping in that understanding.
so true, alise. bless you.
thank you for sharing this. I have a friend who is gay. He is a parent with 3 kids. He is kind. He chats with me in the line waiting for dismissal at the school when everyone else seems to be in their closed circle not letting me in. He sees me and waves. He smiles. He listened when I was going through a tough period of depression. He didn’t judge. He listened and didn’t say “get over it”. He taught me how to be a better friend.
It’s a good thing to know someone. To give someone the chane to chat in line while waiting for dismissal. You both have a thing in common- you’re human. You are in this thing called life. You both breath in and out the same corrupt air. Share a smile. Share a cup of coffee.
It has changed me, allowed me to allow God to use me… not to be the holy spirit in someone’s life, but to be a smile, a shared story….
this is beautiful april. thank you.
A gay friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer. He already has AIDS. He is a beautiful person. He literally saved my life when I was 14 and bullied so badly I seriously considered suicide. I understand.
what a powerful story, missy. xo
I am so very touched my this post. Since giving my life to Christ one of my struggles has been.. what will other Christians think of my gay friends? It was as if I could hear Him whisper deep within my soul, “It doesn’t matter what the world thinks, it matters what I think. I created you as I have Him. I see beyond eyes of this world, I know and love each of you. I don’t call you to judge or condemn, the greatest gift I gave you is LOVE.”
As each day passes.. the closer I get to Him.. I understand that this world is so trying on our souls some things we don’t understand. But love, love, love it what we must do. Despite what the worlds eyes think.
Jesus loves your dear friend who is no longer in this world.
Thank you so much for sharing. This has helped me take one step forward.
Misty
you are beautiful, friend. thank you for sharing this.
Wow – that is an amazing story. Once again, it is not up to us to judge. God made all of us…
amen friend.
Some life stories are not fair. I’m glad he told you his story and that you were able to bring it to us, to remind us that its not always a happy ending and sometimes its more complicated than we wish it to be. I’m glad, at least, he had you. I hope you gave each other comfort.
we did, friend. thank you for this. peace to you. e.
My heart breaks for the way the “church” has reacted. When my son decided to observe a Day of Silence at our conservative Christian homeschool co-op, I had no idea what would occur because of it. One thing I kept thinking about in the weeks to come, after half the members left and we were still picking up the pieces – there were probably kids in the group that were gay but who had never said anything to anyone. And after seeing the reaction of their parents, now they never will. So many tears, for so many people. I cry for their children.
Thanks for sharing your story, Emily. I like what someone said above – no closets in heaven. No closets in heaven! And no more tears.
my heart breaks too friend. bless you.
“When you judge someone, you do not define them. You simply define yourself as someone who needs to judge.” – Wayne Dyer
I can’t begin to tell you the respect I have for you….I believe that true wisdom comes when we are able to look at ourselves…look at our opinions and be open to change, criticism and acceptance. I think that the true meaning of God is love…love, first and foremost. Congratulations on a brilliant piece.
wow–thank you kristine! so encouraging, this. xo
Tears.